Home

We arrived back home at midnight on Wed. I had to work Thursday and Friday, so I was draggin'.......But now the weekend is here! Our trip was full of emotions. It was hard for me to see my Granny, we had a wonderful time, yet she is getting so weak. We had a wonderful visit but it was so hard to say goodbye. We fit in some fun too! My boys caught a SF Giants game and got to see Barry Bonds hit home run number 746, as he chases Hank Aaron's all time HR record. I got to have lunch and fellowship with some of my on-line "family." It was fun to explore San Francisco with my son. We spent the night with some old friends down the road from the farm I grew up on and I got to share that part of my life and show my son where I grew up. I included a picture of my son looking at San Francisco from Jack London Square in Oakland, as well as, a picture on my friends from online meetings. It was a wonderful visit and it was just the re-charge I needed.

RIP Jane

This afternoon I learned that a dear friend.....part of my online"family" passed away suddenly. She was an inspiration to me. She had many health difficulties and was in and out of the hospital frequently in the last year. Despite all that, she never once complained. She was always hopeful, optimistic and joyous. She was a tremendous example of living in the moment, being at peace and being serene. I will miss her. I know she is finally free from this disease. Here are two of the most important folks in her life.....her babies.....

Autonomy

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Touchstones.

It's hard for me to keep my emotions inside. I want to express them now. That's what a team is all about.--Earvin "Magic" Johnson

We become part of a team in this program. That's why all the Steps are written with the word we rather than I. We cannot fully surrender to renewal simply by reading about it, hearing about it, or thinking about it. We become participants, members, and peers. We go to meetings and express the details of our lives, and we learn from the stories of others. In our relationships we learn to let our emotions out.

When we say, "He's hard to get to know," we are talking about someone who doesn't show feelings. Team members express their feelings to build a bond between themselves and gain a familiarity with each other. A man may say, "I'm the sort of guy who doesn't do well in groups," or "I'm not the type to express my feelings." But for the sake of recovery, we must endure the awkwardness of learning new things. On this recovery team it is all right to come just the way we are, awkwardness and all.

Today, I will not hold back my emotions. I will let people know me.

This reading really hit home with me, especially in light of my week. I have not been real forth coming about sharing my feelings with my team. It seems somehow easier to share them here where it is sort of anonymous or even with my best friend, who is a tremendous help, but is not looking me in the face everyday. The people on my team who can really help me and that I can really help, such as my sponsor, my husband, my home group, my sponsee, those are the folks I have been reserved with of late. This past week has been a difficult one and maybe it needed not have been so difficult if I was doing my job on the team.

So yesterday, even though I did not want to, I drove the two hours up highway 12 along the river into the mountains to meet up with my sponsor at the Annual Friends of Bill Winter Retreat at the Lewis & Clark Resort. It was sunny and beautiful. I stopped many times along the way soaking in the beauty of God's world all around me, letting the sun shine on my face. When I arrived I actually drove right to where my sponsor was.....divine guidance I'm sure....thought I would have to wander to find her. We spent the day together. We went to meetings and workshops and a potluck dinner and speakers meeting. We spent hours talking about life and reading from the Big Book and the 12 X 12 and ACIM. Essentially I spent the day inviting her into my recovery in a way that we could become a team. I have been hesitant to do that and it has cost me dearly. I even got to spend part of the evening with her sponsor Pat, whom I had heard lots about but never met before. I also got to see and share with other members of my home group the things that have been going on in my life so that once agian we can all help each other out. I got home way too late last night and I have been draggin butt all day (might be a two nap day today). But it was worth it. I made a huge step toward recovery this weekend. Now I just have to trust in God that I will be where I am meant to be by the end of this next week, and the consequences of my actions will be what they are suppose to be.....thanks to all for sharing your experience, strength and hope along the way and being a part of my TEAM!

Friendships

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

I got this today from a friend. Once I got past the intial humor I got to thinking about it. This story is kind of like the old me and the new me. The old me was very much like the friendship between men. There were so many stories and lies that sometimes I wasn't sure what the truth was anymore. Lies had to be covered up with other lies and pretty soon my whole life was a lie. The new me understands the importance and the freedom of the truth. When I am being dishonest I am opening the door for my addiction to take hold. Like water freezing in a small crack and breaking concrete apart, my addiction only needs a small foothold to pull my back to the bottom. The other thing I have learned and am so grateful for is the freedom that comes with honesty. Good, bad or otherwise, when I am honest I don't have to look over my shoulder. I am no longer waiting to be found out. I can say it and let it go. That is an incredible freedom and a relief. I am eternally grateful to my higher power, my friends in the fellowship and the program for teaching me the beauty of honesty.

Patience

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Twenty Four Hours a Day Hardcover (24 Hours).

A.A. Thought for the Day

I have real friends where I had none before. My drinking companions could hardly be called my real friends, though when drunk we seemed to have the closest kind of friendship. My idea of friendship has changed. Friends are no longer people whom I can use for my own pleasure or profit. Friends are now people who understand me and I them, whom I can help and who can help me to live a better life. I have learned not to hold back and wait for friends to come to me, but to go half way and to be met half way, openly and freely. Does friendship have a new meaning for me?

Meditation for the Day

There is a time for everything. We should learn to wait patiently until the right time comes. Easy does it. We waste our energies in trying to get things before we are ready to have them, before we have earned the right to receive them. A great lesson we have to learn is how to wait with patience. We can believe that all our life is a preparation for something better to come when we have earned the right to it. We can believe that God has a plan for our lives and that this plan will work out in the fullness of time.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may learn the lesson of waiting patiently. I pray that I may not expect things until I have earned the right to have them.

I read this meditation this afternoon and it reallhit home for me. That part about waisting energy trying to get things before we are ready, before we have earned them stopped me in my tracks. I have spent so much time doing that very thing. When I finally surrender and let things happen in God's time instead of my time they always seem to work out for the best. When I try to get them all on my own they usually mess things up terribly. I'm trying to be patient and let that be proof enough to surrender my will to my Higher Power. Everyday I have to recommit myself to letting God will be my guidance. I also have to remember that it's progress not perfection and my baby steps are okay as long as I keep taking them. Today I made a choice to look at my day positively and it was a great day. I had every opportunity to be pissed and have a bad day and I have no doubt that it would have turned out to be a bad day. Having a good day was so much more productive and peaceful. Thanks to the guidance of my Higher Power and sponsors life is good.

The Twelve Rewards of Sobriety

THE TWELVE REWARDS OF SOBRIETY

o Faith instead of despair.
o Courage instead of fear.
o Hope instead of desperation.
o Peace of mind instead of confusion.
o Real friendships instead of loneliness.
o Self-respect instead of self-contempt.
o Self-confidence instead of helplessness.
o A clean conscious instead of a sense of guilt.
o The respect of others instead of their pity and contempt.
o A clean pattern of living instead of a hopeless existence.
o The love and understanding of our families instead of their doubts and fears.
o The freedom of a happy life instead of the bondage of an alcoholic obsession.

The rewards of sobriety are unimaginable. I never would have believed life could be this good. One of my favorites is the true friendships. I have met some incredible people, all because I made a decision to put the drink down.

Where does Love Come From?

Not asking for what I wanted. Being afraid to tell people what I was really feeling. Not speaking up for myself if I thought it would make someone mad at me. People-pleasing and self-denial. Never feeling like I had done enough, or that I was good enough. Always needing someone else to determine my self-worth. Each of the little piles had a different shape or form, but at the core they were all the same. I was still looking for love.

Taken from "Yesterday, I Cried" by Iyanla Vanzant

This program has taught me so much about love. I know now that love has to start with me. When I can be honest about who I am and what I need I have a beginning. My Higher Power will guide me if only I accept who I am and work towards become who he wants me to be. I spent many years trying to buy, bagain and cheat love into my life. All I ever got was more pain and feelings of worthlessnes. Now that I am willing to look in the mirror and recognize that I am a child of God and he made me just the way I'm suppose to, I have found love. By working the steps this program suggests I have learned how to love others and how to be loved. I have for the first time in my life true friendships and true love. I am able to recognize that other persons are they way that God created them to be and to accept and love them, rather than try and change them. It hads made my marriage deeper and stronger and I know that I have a few people I can always count on to be there when I need them. The folks I used to call friends are not here for me and they never really were before, they have not yet learned to love themselves and have no idea what love really is. I thank my Higher Power everyday for the gift of life and the ablility to give and receive love.

Things To Remember

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

Always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for LEMONADE call me over!

Good friends are like stars........You don't always see them, But you know they are always there

Someone very dear to me sent this to me. I didn't bother to read it until today. I'm glad I did. I was having one of those unidentifiable down kinda days today and reading this really put things into perspective for me today. I made a copy and put it on my bedroom mirror. I was prompted to forget the feeling I have and remember all that is right and good about today and all that I have to be grateful for. That list is a lot longer than the negative one I had been working on. Thanks Mable.

Fellow Blogger

Here is the picture from my meeting with fellow blogger Phyllis. It was fun meeting and enjoy some of the local food. Thanks Phyllis, I had a blast and can't wait until September. Take care

Blessings and Gratitude for my "Family"

Was thinking today about all the gifts I have been given by making a choice to face my fear and walk through the doors of AA. Though I have lost things along the way and may still lose things as I clear away the wreckage of the past, I have gained so much more. One of the greatest gifts is the "family" I have gained. I have been blessed with some of the greatest family and the opportunities still to come to meet so many more of you. Thought I post a few shots of some of the folks I have been fortunate to meet from the blog world and the online family I have gained. Thanks to all of you, for without your support I wouldn't be where I am today.

Coming Home

Vacation has come to an end. As promised I have a picture of our meeting. I am blessed to have been given the opportunirty to get to know fellow bloggers. You have become an extension of my family and I grateful to have your support. Meeting Anna was the most incerdible experience. She has become for me my best friend, a sister in every sense of the word. Now I have Meg to add to my list of those special people I have been fortunate enough to meet.

I returned home yesterday and went back to work today. This vacation was a time for me to take a serious look in the mirror. To be honest I didn't like what I saw. I first entered the rooms of AA 825 days ago. I have accomplished some amazing things with the help of my Higher Power. However, there are so many areas of my life where I have thus far refused my Higher Power's gift and have continued to act in a way that continues to be hurtful to others and to undermine the very thing I long for, sobriety. I have put out plenty of lip service, but the actions just haven't followed. I read an excerp from a book while I was on the plane that really helped me to see this pattern.

It was about fear which is something that I have struggled with. It's time to put action into my program. The book gave me the best example of how to do that, "It is a spiritual way of life based on a power other than our own, on faith in a power greater than ourselves to overcome fear and other defects of our alcoholic personalities." It continues further down the page saying, "Fear is nothing more or less than a distorted faith in the negative things of life and the evils that might beset us." (Taken from "The Little Red Book For Women")

This has been a major stumbling stone. I can have faith when the little things come along. It is the difficult times when I have allowed fear to be greater than faith. I all too often focus on the negative aspect of every situation which just lays the ground work for fear and failure. By facing fear and focusing on the positive aspects of a situation I will have a much better chance of allowing my faith to be greater than my fear.

I am doing that very thing here. Writing about something that I'm not proud of in a public way like this is a very frightening thing. I am deciding to focus on all the positive things I have gained from this forum and let my faith be stronger than my fear. I hope that it will serve as a beinning to a new way of thinking and acting. I am praying for courage.......I want to change the things I can so that I might come to that place where recovery is fun, free, and peaceful.

Vacation

I'm leaving on vacation today! A much needed break. I will be staying with my fellow blogger SimplyAnna. I'm am also planning to meet with fellow blogger Meg. Should be a fantastic time, but I will miss all of you as my posts will be infrequent for the next two weeks. Hope all of you have a great couple of weeks. Rexie

Update

Just got home from the hospital and the news is good and Justin looks great. Justin came through surgery great. The tumor was located in his 12th rib and was very close to the 11th rib so they removed both and put a wire mesh sheild to protect his liver and kidney. The pathology report showed that the tumor itself was actually dead which is the best news. The chemo has been working. So after a few days in the hospital Justin will start the next round of chemo. Thanks do much for all the prayers and good wishes. Justin and his family truly appreciate them all.

Surgery Day

Today is the day Justin has surgery. It is a tough day today. Justin has show us all what a fighter he really is. Despite his weakend condition he has played everygame so far this season, and his batting average thus far show's just how strong he is. I have every confidence that he will fly through this with great success just as he has so far. He has made it through numerous rounds of chemo without complaint. His only complaint thus far has been that he can't finish out the season before surgery. I am so grateful to have Justin in my life because he has shown my what it means to have strength and courage to face all that life has to offer. He has shown me how to live life on life's terms. Most of all he has shown me what it means to face FEAR, because he has Faced Everything And id Recovering. His determination to go to any lengths necessary will carry him across the finish line. My thoughts and prayers are with you buddy. I will be there when you awaken from surgery and give us that smile that says, we will beat this, don't worry. Thanks so much for all the gifts you have given me. I Love ya, Justin

Heros and Friends