Yes, I am one of them too

I was at a meeting this past week and there was a discussion of the classification of Alcoholism as a disease rather than weak will power. A person stated, as part of their coming to understand it as a disease, they were told that the gene for alcoholism had been identified. At that very moment my "alcoholic mind" took off on a tangent. I found myself thinking, "I need genetic testing to prove that I do not have the alcoholic gene so that I may drink again!" I caught myself and brought myself back to reality........if I were not an alcoholic would I even be thinking such thoughts? If I were not alcoholic then why had I been unable to stop on all the previous attempts? Duh.....all I had to do was look at the case record.....gene testing was not necessary to prove I have the alcoholic gene! I shared my thought in the meeting and laughed at myself all evening. My best thinking landed me in all kinds of bad spots and it tried yet again....Today I am so grateful for a Higher Power, the program and the fellowship that I have learned that I don't have to listen to those thoughts if I so chose.

Toltec Wisdom

I started a new book this week and so far it has been great. The book begins with a Toltec ancestor in search of that "something more," in life. One night he has a dream and it became a revelation that changed his life. In the dream he saw the sky and the stars and heard his voice saying, "I am made of light; I am made of stars."

He looked at the stars again, and he realized that it's not the stars that create light but rather the light creates the stars. "Everything is made of light," he said, "and the space in-between isn't empty." And he knew that everything exists in one living being, and that light is the messenger of life, because it is alive and contains all information.

The he realized that although he was made of stars, he was not those stars. "I am the in-between the stars," he thought. So he called the stars the tonal and the light between the stars the nagual, and he knew that what created the harmony and space between the two is Life or Intent. Without Life, tonal and the nagual could not exist. Life is the force of the absolute, the supreme, the Creator who creates everything.

This is what he discovered: Everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God. Everything is God. And he came to the conclusion that human perception in merely light perceiving light. He also saw that matter is a mirror --- everything is a mirror that reflects light and creates images of that light --- and the world of illusion, the Dream, is just like smoke which doesn't allow us to see what we really are. "The real us is pure love, pure light" he said.

This realization changed his life. Once he knew what he really was, he looked around at other humans and the rest of nature, and he was amazed at what he saw. He saw himself in everything --- in every human, in every animal, in every tree, in the water, in the rain, in the clouds, in the earth. And he saw that life mixed the tonal and nagual in different ways to create billions of manifestations of life.

When he returned he tried to tell others, but they could not understand. They could see that he had changed, that something beautiful was radiating from his eyes and his voice. They noticed that he no longer had judgment about anything or anyone. He was no longer like anyone else.

He had discovered that he was a mirror for the rest of people, a mirror in which he could see himself. "Everyone is a mirror."

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz, p XV-Xviii

Sorry this was a bit long but I was very touched by it. It so much reminded me of that spiritual awakening I experienced in Alcoholics Anonymous. It continues to grow as I see others come to the rooms, get sober and then experience an awakening themselves. I was also struck by the bit about the mirror. I have been a mirror to my kids that I regret. They have seen things in the mirror no kid should ever see. But I'm also filled with gratitude because the grace freely given me by my Higher Power and the program Alcoholics Anonymous have changed that mirror in ways I never imagined possible. I am proud of the mirror my kids see today and it gets better by the day.

Who Am I To Say?

The skeptic and the agnostic say it is impossible for us to find the answer to life. Many have tried and failed. But many more have put aside intellectual pride and have said to themselves: Who am I to say there is no God? Who am I to say there is no purpose in life? The atheist makes a declaration: "The world originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere." Others live for the moment and do not even think about why they are here or where they are going. They might as well be clams on the bottom of the ocean, protected by their hard shells of indifference. They are going nowhere and they do not care. Do I care where I am going? (Take from Alcoholics Anonymous the chapter to the agnostic)

Sorry I haven't posted in a while and have not visited your blogs in an even longer time. All is well, have just been very busy. With nicer weather we are spending more time outside and less time on the computer. I have thought of all of you often and it is your support that gives me strength, along with my Higher Power. We worked in the yard all weekend and my body is very tired. This weekend was the first real hard labor I have done since surgery and by Sunday evening I knew I did way too much. There is still so much more to do......and it jas been so long since I was able to do any of it, I found it hard to listen to my body and stop when I should have.

This evening we built a nice fire in the firepit we cleaned out this weekend, using firewood from some of the dead tree limbs we fell this weekend. There is something magical about staring into the flames. I was filled with a deep sense of the Higher Power at that moment. I was in my lounge chair (which I also scrubbed down this weekend) with my puppy, my husband in his with the other puppy, a roaring fire, soft music, the stars and the wonderful peach cobbler he made for dessert.......and I was overcome with that feeling of absolute lack of doubt in the existance of a Higher Power. It was a wonderful moment. I am so grateful to God, my family and the fellowship that I will have many more evenings like this. It was something that rarely happened while I was using.....I was passed out before camp fire time.......I am grateful that I can live and enjoy life now instead of missing it go by.

More About Alcoholism

The book Alcoholics Anonymous tells us in the chapter, "More About Alcoholism," that there will come a time when there is nothing between me and a drink but a power greater than me.

The book says, ".....They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow....."

A bit later it says this, "....The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (Big Book p42-43).

I have read this a million times, my sponsor has said it a million times, I've heard it in meetings, and yet I was shocked when it happened today. I was having a good day. Although I have said many times in the last week that I don't ever want to go through that stuff again, I was having no thoughts of using whatever. I excused myself to use the restroom.......as I locked the door behind me there was no thought whatever into what happened next. I came to a few moments later with four bottles of narcotics, stolen from a medicine cabinet, on the counter. I was in the process of deciding exactly how many I would skim off each bottle. At that very moment I heard a voice in my mind. The voice was very familiar as it was that of a friend with whom I had had a conversation about relapse with just hours before. The voice said, "think it through to the end, what are the consequences?" At that very moment I recognized that the voice I was hearing was that of my Higher Power and that the strength to get through this moment was being given to me. All I had to do was grab onto it. It really scared the shit out of me. I had put no more thought into what I was doing than one would by walking out to the mailbox and back. I had no mental defense what so ever. I chose to listen to that voice....I put those bottles away as fast as I could and got out of there. I was thanking God every step of the way. It was a powerful lesson for me about exactly how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease really is. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety I have been graced with today.

Saturday Gratitude

I woke up today to snow gently but steadily falling outside. Other than the fact I seem to be catching a cold I am filled with gratitude today. So I thought I would make a list so I can remember it on those hard to get through days:

• I am grateful for a white Christmas


• I am grateful for my family as we learn and grow together


• I am grateful for a Higher Power in my life


• I am grateful for support from work coming to me


• I am grateful for the support I get from my home group


• I am grateful for those whom my I met everyday, that my Higher Power sends to give me a message


• I am grateful for "enough" of all the things I need


• I am grateful for being half way through the first phase of recovery with no complications


• I am grateful for the tools I have been given so that I may grow closer to my Higher Power and be of service to others


• I am grateful learning I posses the power to heal from the past and have no regrets, if I only reach out to my Higher Power and ask for help


• I am grateful for the relationships that are being restored with extended family members thank to my Higher Power


• I am grateful for those who have shown me that Love is an action word.

I wish everyone a very happy and blessed Holiday Season.

Gratitude

Today's Thought Gratitude

You are reading from the book Today's Gift.

I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun.--Katharine Hepburn
The first good news each day is that we wake up. We are breathing. Our heats are beating, our minds working. The adventure of living begins. What does the day hold in store? We have no way of knowing what surprises lie in wait for us today.

We may look forward, not just to the expected, but to the unexpected. Whom shall we meet? What will we see? What will we learn? How will we be entertained? What changes to help others will come our way? What chances to love and be loved?

Now that our eyes are opened to today's beauty, let us remain alert for new sights. Let us cry when sad, smile when touched, and laugh at what is funny in a whole new lifetime before us.

What can I be thankful for today?

I'm really beginning to understand that an attitude of gratitude can overcome almost anything. When the tough gets going all I have to do is stop and look at how far I have come. There are many things I have accomplished since getting sober that I never dreamed possible. No matter how bad things get, there is always something good to reflect on. So I get out a piece of paper and make a gratitude list and soon my attitude changes and problems or set backs. The answer to all my problems begins in my attitude......is it negative or gratitude?

Home Sweet Home

Got home late last night. I'm back to the real world today. I'm so thankful that I was able to sneak in a little vacation before fall turns into winter (that happened already in Minnesota....damm it's cold there). It was just what I needed. I was able to really relax, catch up on some sleep, see my very bestest girl friend, and really concentrate on regrouping and making plans for getting myself back on the right path.

Today I start a journey of discovery and healing that is long over due. I will be inlocking the door on a very ugly closet from the past that needs cleaned out. It's time. I have done everything humanly possible to keep the door locked and it has lead me to some very low places, and I want to be raised where eagles fly. The only way that can happen is to clean out the dark corners, ugly clossets and bring the sunlight of the spirit to those places. I know it will be painful at times, I will find anger and hurt, but I have learned that this is the only way if I want to live and find some measure of peace and serenity. The thought that keeps me going is that in the end it will be so much better.

Thanks so much for all your help and continued support Mable. You have taught me so much, and I know there are so many more good things to come....I see them in your examples. The biggest tool you have shown me is that the journey always begins with the truth and I will be forever grateful for that. Can't wait until May when I can call ya Grandma!

Lunch & Fun

We had a wonderful visit today and got all caught up. Got to meet Tom and he is a wonderful guy. Meg looks awesome......amd very happy too. We even brought Anna's hunny Ron along for the visit.....so Tom would have someone to talk to while us girls got all caught up!

Anna & Ron, Rexie, Meg & Tom

Vacation

I'm off to see my Anna for a few days! Long awaited.....I have missed our fun time together. We will be having lunch with Meg too! Will send you all pictures when I get them!

Cougar Football Saturday!

Another football game and it's a georgeous day! Suppose to be close to 80. I'm at work, parking security at the fieldhouse. Sitting in my lawn chair in the sun, playing on my computer. Tough job, but somebody has to do it. Only 4 days until my vacation to see Anna and I can't wait. I get to have lunch with Meg (I Put My Hand In Yours Blogger) too. I'll post some pictures when I get back. Meg is bringing the new boy friend so Anna and I can size him up. I'm so looking forward to a few days to relax and unwind. Has been a tough month of hard work and recovery for me. Now about the game.....#3 USC is coming to town. The cougars are a 17 point underdog.....but this could be the upset game of the day....gametime is 7 EST so you have to check it out all you Pac Ten football fans! Have a great weekend and of course GO COUGS! and I won't post again tomorrow so I'll add a GO SEAHAWKS too!

The Path To Wholeness

The path to wholeness

We think that God has blessed us if we don’t have too many troubles. In fact, religions have erroneously taught us that pain is punishment for our sins.

We often ask, "What have I done wrong?" when things do not go the way we want.

Yet, to become ourselves in the truest and deepest sense, we must face our own duality, which of course includes facing our darkness.

As souls we strive for wholeness, not for perfection.

At first, we really don’t know what is going on. We just find life difficult, challenging and often painful.

Eventually, after much experience and reflection, we start to find meaning in it all. Eventually, we gladly accept the means whereby we can do the Soul work we have come for.

As we become conscious as Souls, we walk our journey purposefully, embracing the reality of our earthly nature along with the truth of our divine nature.

"When we are conscious of our personal uniqueness and our universal nature we express ourselves creatively. In this way we fulfill our dreams and our life purpose."

-- Andrew Schneider

This piece has certainly hit home for me. If I look over all the things in my life that I am grateful for, every single one of them has had some sort of pain associated in them coming to me or staying with me. I have learned that the way to happiness is through the pain, struggles and turmoils. Pain is not bad, it is just another aspect of life on life's terms. I am learning that once I accept pain and accept the challenges that life brings rather than trying to avoid them, run from them and bury them, true happiness and joy will be the result. There is some truth to that old saying...."no pain, no gain!" I am grateful for all the rainbows I have been allowed to experience in this life by just waiting out a little rain.

One Year

Today marks 365 days of continuous sobriety. It is a day that I once thought I would never see a second time. I am filled with gratitude. I wish first of all to thank my Higher Power, for it is only by his gift that I am sober today. I also wish to thank my family for standing by me through the better and the worse I have put them through. I want to thank the fellowship of AA for the support and guidance I have received. My Higher Power has come to me through so many people, but I am especially thankful for the sponsors I have been blessed with (Laurie, Meggers, Delilah). I am grateful for those I was blessed to give back to along the way (Ashley, Liam, Linda, Jackie, Lisa). I am grateful to the women in the fellowship who have been there to help when I have stumbled along the path (Jan, Tammy, Andrea, Jane, Jama, Alisa, Deann, Deb, Susan, Leisa, and so many more, especially my sobriety sister Sam). I owe thank you to my on-line family as well, especially those of you I have been fortunate to actually meet face to face (Anna, James, Tom, Suzan, Meg). You all have been a tremendous source of feedback and support. I am grateful especially for one gift, my mirror, my gift from my Higher Power (My Mable). You have taught me so much about how to live each day, humbly, following the path my Higher Power has chosen for me. You have taught me about loving myself, loving others and allowing them to love me. You have taught me so much about being a mother, wife, sister, daughter. Most importantly you have taught me the meaning of Honesty, Trust, Willingness, Openmindedness and recently Altruistic! I try to live my life today by those very principals. I owe you a ton for I know you would do anything for me! Although today is a milestone and I am truly grateful, I must remember that the only real gift I have been given is today. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to accept this gift more than once in my life. That is the thing I am most grateful for. So many never come to a place where they have the opportunity to accept the gift and use it to live. I am also very aware that this gift is mine to keep only if I freely give it to all who ask. Thank you for another day.

Half nAAked Thursday

I have a total of thirteen tats and planning the fourtenth. My kids are screaming stop.....but what can I say, I'm an addict......here is a preview for ya.... and another old one too!

The 9th Step Promises & My Dad

Yesterday I received an incredible gift. I have been chipping away at my 9th step and have come to a place where the list is nearly completed. Those left on the list are ones that I am simply waiting for an opportunity to arise, or they are ones that I am willing to do but may never have the opportunity as the other party at this point is unwilling to hear them. I can read the promises an P.83 and P.84 in the Big Book and understand them as they are actually happening in my life.

The gift I received yesterday is proof that they are coming true for me. Back in early Feb. I made my amends with my father. At the time he didn't say much. I suppose he needed time to process what I said. Yesterday I received a letter in the mail from him. In that letter he stated that he feels his life is complete, that he has received all that he needs. He went on to state that he is proud of me and who I am becoming. He said that he is proud of the way I have changed my life, which is comformation for me that my actions are being seen and recognized. He went on to say that he is proud of the way that my husband and I have raised our kids. That alone was an incredible statement, as I have for a long time felt as though he was judging me in that department, which turns out to not be the case at all. He went on to acknowledge the things I have done in my past and to apologize himself for not being a father during much of my childhood. He ran from the disease and therefore ran from his responsiblities as a father. My father told me that the past is the past and we can't change it, but rather learn from it and do the right thing from this day forward. Somehow that helped bring me to that promise of not regreting the past, nor wishing to shut the door on it. He finished the letter with the statement, "I am honored to call you my daughter." This letter is one of those gifts of sobriety, a fulfillment of the promises, that I never imagined possible when I began this journey. I am truly blessed, I feel as though I have the greatest father in the world.

This program really works, if you work it!

Happy Half NAAked Thursday

Half nAAked Thursday

A New Day

A New Day
Author Unknown

This is the beginning of a new day.
I have been given this day to use as I will.

I can waste it, or use it.
I can make it a day long to be remembered for its joy, its beauty and its achievements, or it can be filled with pettiness.

What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.

When tomorrow comes this day will be gone forever, but I shall hold something which I have traded for it.

It may be no more than a memory, but if it is a worthy one I shall not regret the price.

I want it to be gain not loss, good not evil, success not failure.

It took me along time to figure out how to live in today. I have come to understand that all we have is today. If I remember to start my day with the simple tools I have been shown than I know I can handle anything that comes my way. If things take a turn for the worst I can always start over, which is another valuable tool I've been taught. If worst comes to worst I head for the store and get an orange, that always brings me right back. Thanks for the gift of the orange, it has changed my life.

Moments In Life

Moments In Life
by Author Unknown

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one,
which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything
that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.

Don't count the years-count the memories...........

hAAlf nAAked ThursdAAy

Stolen From Anna....Cause I needed to hear it!

Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you.

Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Thanks for sharing this today Anna Poo! I started my day stuck in self pity today. I was up a good chunck of last night reflecting on 40 years and all the things I had failed to accomplish and all the things that I fucked up. I went to one of my favorite spots on the river to take care of an amends I owed to my name sake my Grandfather Rex, whom I have always shared every birthday with until he passed away about 6 months before I got sober. While sitting there enjoying the calm and feeling close to my Higher Power, it hit me that I was going about my day all wrong. In forty years I have gained so much:

• Sobriety
• A wonderful marriage going on 21 years
• Two kids who are the best
• A career that helps me give back all that I've been given
• Friends who would go to any length for me, as I would for them
• A fellowship, a family really that continues to grow every day
• health, happiness, peace and serenity

Those things are far better than I ever could have wished for and I would not trade them if I could. Thanks to all of you in my "family" who continue to support me as I trudge on my journey.