End The Pain

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.

Stopping Our Pain

Some of my feelings have been stored so long they have freezer burn.--Beyond Codependency

There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early childhood to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support and permission to deal with.

There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too. There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.

There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial.

There is the pain that leads and guides us into better choices for our future.

We have many choices about how to stop this pain. We may have experimented with different options. Compulsive and addictive behaviors stop pain - temporarily. We may have used alcohol, other drugs, relationships, or sex to stop our pain.

We may talk compulsively or compulsively focus on other people and their needs as a way to avoid or stop our pain.

We may use religion to avoid our feelings.

We may resort to denial of how we are feeling to stop our pain.

We may stay so busy that we don't have time to feel. We may use money, exercise, or food to stop our pain.

We have many choices. To survive, we may have used some of these options, only to find that these were Band Aids - temporary pain relievers that did not solve the problem. They did not really stop our pain; they postponed it.

In recovery, there is a better choice about how we may stop pain. We can face it and feel it. When we are ready, with our Higher Power's help, we can summon the courage to feel the pain, let it go, and let the pain move forward - into a new decision, a better life.

We can stop the behaviors we are doing that cause pain, if that's appropriate. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. We can learn the lesson our pain is trying to teach us.

If we are being pelted by pain, there is a lesson. Trust that idea. Something is being worked out in us. The answer will not come from addictive or other compulsive behaviors; we will receive the answer when we feel our feelings.

It takes courage to be willing to stand still and feel what we must feel. Sometimes, we have what seems like endless layers of pain inside us. Pain hurts. Grief hurts. Sadness hurts. It does not feel good. But neither does denying what is already there; neither does living a lifetime with old and new pockets of pain packed, stored, and stacked within.

It will only hurt for a while, no longer than necessary, to heal us. We can trust that if we must feel pain, it is part of healing, and it is good. We can become willing to surrender to and accept the inevitable painful feelings that are a good part of recovery.

Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Release, freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.

Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole.

This week has been a huge lesson to me that step one is one of those things where I can't take the parts I like and leave the rest. I have to do this thing 100%. I can easily admit that I am powerless over alcohol....it llands me in trouble everytime. Even though life being unmanagable leads me to trouble everytime too and my thick head can't get the unmanagable thing. So I shared at a meeting tonight and a friend stopped me outside the meeting. She got on my butt and told me I wasn't gonna get anywhere until I got the hell out of my head. She told me she gets exhausted being around me cause I spend so much time there. Of course this is not the first time I have been told something very similar this week. This friend gave me an "suggestion" that seemed so simple I laughed. But of course I'll do it because I'm deperate. I am to write a note that reads, "Rex, this is God and I don't need any help today thanks anyway." I am to put it on the bathroom mirror where I can see it first thing. I have lots of other "suggestions" to keep me out of my head which is exactly what I need. I have lots of pages to read everyday and the bottom line is that until I accept that I am powerless and my life is unmanagable and surrender to God's help I will continue to land right back here time and time again.

Purpose of Spiritual Development

The purpose of individual spiritual work and spiritual developement is empowerment, to remind you of your divine, spiritual identity. Through the power of your spiritual identity, you become conscious of your
ability to create life experiences. Spiritual work must be done in service and recognition of God. God expects us to serve one another. This requires discipline, focus, and knowledge of spiritual law and principal. It also requires purity of intent and heart. When these elements are absent, you are not building a good character. You are not doing spiritual work for the good of the world. You are doing something else that is bound to blow up in your face. I learned this through experience.

Taken from "Yesterday, I Cried" by Iyanla Vanzant

This is an important concept for me today. I really identified with the sentence.....requires purity of intent and heart. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous teaches me that, "belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements." (P.13-14 Big Book). Purity of intent and heart is really what humility is about. The book further states, "faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish" (P.16 Big Book). By doing this I find the empowerment that is talked about in this reading. For me it means daily service to God's people and the power of the choice to follow his will and surrender my will. When I was in the throws of my addiction I had no choices. Now that God's grace has relieved me of the obsession I have choices today. The choices I make will have a direct impact on whether or not I continue to stand "in the sunlight of the spirit" or fall into the shadows of addiction. So long as I make the choice daily to enlarge my spiritual life, to search for God's will and be of services I stand a good chance of being sober today. If I go to bed sober tonight and follow through with those same choices tomorrow than I stand a good chance of being sober tomorrow. It has taken me along time to come to this place....but along the way I have learned that I can't, He can, and I can choose to let him. I am very grateful for the choices I have today, for the gift of sobriety, for the program and all it has taught me, and for the fellowship where I can see by example how to live sober, work with others,and expand my spiritual life.

Steps Six and Seven

The several objects of Steps six and seven are:

1. To become honest and humble. To willingly seek God's help without resevation.
2. To perfect ourselves in the practice of unselfish prayer.
3. To be aware of our defective character traits.
4. To desire their removal.
5. To surrender completely all defects of character.
6. To believe God can remove them.
7. To ask Him to take them all away.

The results we expect from pursuit of these objects are:

1. A reconciliation to God's way of doing business. We become "fed up" with our way and with further practice of trying to run the show ourselves.
2. A willingness to work out a plan for suppression f self-centeredness through faith and a consious contact with God.
3. To experience disastisfaction as a result of our alcoholic practices and to seek a spiritual inspiration that will bring us an inner sense of pece and security.
4. Increased faith, clean hearts and minds, ability to offer unselfish prayer.
5. A spiritual courage that is fearless in its outlook on life; a desire to make restittion to those our drinking has harmed.
6. A desire to quit bluffing and honestly give God a chance to remove from our lives all that stands in the way of our usefulness to Him and t others. True humility.
7. Elimination of our defective character traits, acquistion of peace of mind, and sobriety.

Taken from The Little Red Book For Women

Now is a good time for me to concentrate on giving the old habits to God and concentrating on new ones. I herniated my disc again this afternoon. The pain is intense. My head of course is sceaming at me...morphine, fentonal, vicadine, lortab...all ot it. I had that brief moment when the Doctor asked which one I wanted....but in the end honesty won out....I said all of it, but Doc the problem is I'm a drug addict and can't have any of it. I am full of fear as this is the very way I relapsed just over a year ago.. I have 20more days to go and I can say I have made it a year clean and sober. I must rely on God and new habits to get through this. Pain killers are not an option for me....they are poison for me....so I must quite the voices and learn new ways of getting through this. One good thing in all this is I'l get a few days off from work and can catch up on some reading and some much needed sleep.

The Old New into The New You

"Often, when you are on the spritual path, there is a war that goes on between the person you once were and the person you are becoming. Some call it "thought patterns." Others call it "habit." My experience was that there were two distinct personalities who need to be integrated...You may believe strongly, you may want deeply to change, and for your new found identity to emerge. But the new you is not quite sure it will work. It is there, in that glimmer of doubt, that the old you begins to work. It nags at you. It challenges you. It is called self doubt and lame excuses. It looks like not having to pray, to meditate, and not being able to figure out how praying and meditating are gonna put food on the table. The new you views problems as challenges, knowing that with every problem comes the solution, the escape, the way out. The new you is willing to confront challenges and wants to do so in a spiritually grounded way. When however, the new you is backed up to the wall, it will, out of habit, borrow from the old you. The instant borrowing occurs, the new you is rendered dead - even if it is only for a moment. The challenge is that when the new you is brought back into focus, there is probably a pile of old-you crap that needs to be cleaned up.....I had to learn the hard way that you must be disciplined, vigilant, and obedient about the practices that will build your spiritual muscles and put the old you to rest."

Taken from Yesterday I Cried: Celebrating the Lessons of Living and Loving by Iyanla Vanzant

This is a perfect description of what I'm going through right now. I am catching glimpses of a new me and I really want to be that person. I seem to be finding myself backed in the corner and borrowing from the old a lot these days. I know it will take time and plenty of spiritual muscle to get through this. The big difference between the old me and the new me is that the new me is filled with hope that there is a way out of the corner that works much better than the way the old me does it. If I work hard at this, keep admitting when I do it wrong, follow the suggestions given me and remain honest, open and willing I will get there over time. Thanks to those who have gone before me and blazed a clear path to follow. Your support and guidance has been a huge blessing. Thanks especially to Mable, your the bestest!

Recovery From Alcoholism Is Contigent

Experience has proven that recovery from Alcoholism is contingent on:

1. Having a sincere desire to stop drinking.
2. Admitting and believing in our innermost hearts that we are powerless over alcohol.
3. Looking upon alcoholism as a fatal and incurable illness involving the body, mind, and spirit.
4. Considering ourselves as patients in AA for treatment.
5. Identifying alcohol as a poison for us rather than a beverage.
6. Making it our business to understand how alcohol affects us.
7. Realizing we are alcoholics.
8. Learning, practicing and having faith in the twelve steps of the AA program.
9. Believing we can arrest our alcoholism, but we can never drink normally again.
10. Gaining a layperson's knowledge of how alcohoism affects our health and well-being.
11. Using knowledge and inderstanding of our illness not only to gain sobriety but to guard against the danger of returning to the drink.
12. Doing this by partially keeping in our minds a mental picture of the unmanageable life alcohol demands from us and our powerlessness over it.

Taken from The Little Red Book For Women

Today was a great day. I have so many things to be grateful for today. It was a very long day today. I was sober today thanks to a power greater than myself and the fellowship and program of AA. Because I was sober I was able to sit with a family all afternoon in the hospital and to provide them with strength and comfort. Because I was sober today I was able to go to work and do a good job there. Because I was sober today I was able to take care of my family. Because I was sober today I was able to be there for a fellow member of the fellowship who had fallen down and gice them a hand to get back up aand try again. Because of the things that have happened in my life I can be there for others who suffer. For all these things and for those who came before me and gave me those things and for my Higher Power I am truly grateful. Tomorrow when I get up I have the opportunity to do all those things again, provided I follow a few simple steps to maintain a spiritual condition that will give me a reprieve from alcoholism.

PS. For all those who are sendong prayers and good wishes.....my Exam was postponed until June 7th.....

Dancing With God

Dancing With God

When I meditated on the word Guidance,
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that,
and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues,
perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.

It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender,
willingness, and attentiveness
from one person and
gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw "G: I thought of God,
followed by "u" and "i".
"God, "u" and "i" dance."
God, you, and I dance.

As I lowered my head,
I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings
and mercies be upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God as God abides in you.
Dance together with God,
trusting God to lead and
to guide you through each season of your life.
This prayer is powerful and
there is nothing attached.
If God has done anything for you in your life,
please share this message with someone else,
for prayer is one of the best gifts we can receive.
There is no cost but a lots of rewards;
so let's continue to pray for one another.

And I Hope You Dance!!!!!!!!

Thanks Shannon for passing this on to me. It's a lesson I can relate to. Spend time everyday working on letting god lead the dance.

Willingness

When all is said and done, willingness is everything. --Frank D.

Most of us adult children know very well that recovery doesn't happen, nor is there any positive growth, unless we are first of all willing.

Sometimes we get confused over the difference between willing and wanting. We don't have to want, let alone enjoy, doing what needs to be done. Not wanting to do something is altogether different from not being willing to do it. As one recovering woman said, "Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it." The bottom line is that she did let go no matter how badly she wanted to hang on; she was willing.

Think of the people in the program we most admire, those whose progress seems so speedy compared to ours. They may very well not enjoy going out to meetings. They may find it uncomfortable to meet with their sponsors or to say kind words when they really want to complain. They may wish they didn't have to make amends to certain people. But druthers aren't the point. The point is that they are willing to do what it takes.

Today, I ask God to help me deepen my willingness to grow and to see the difference between what I want and what I will.

It's almost time for me to go home and get back to life on life's terms. It has been a much needed break from the world to come here to the safety of my Anna Poo's hideaway. Return to life I must. I have to come the place in my journey where only rigorous honesty with myself and my program is gonna keep me sober. It is something I have struggled with. I have relapsed over it once and it is not a place I want to go again. So my prayer is for the willingness to be rigoroursly honest. That simple act of praying for willingness worked on step 3 so I have faith it will work with this as well if I only just give it a try. Thanks to Anna for all that you've given me, even though you have so much uncertainty in your own life right now. Just a place to escape to now and than means the world to me and I know I'm safe here. Thanks to all of you for all the support. I couldn't make it without AA and you folks.

Wiilingness

Today's thought is:
When all is said and done, willingness is everything. --Frank D.

Most of us adult children know very well that recovery doesn't happen, nor is there any positive growth, unless we are first of all willing.

Sometimes we get confused over the difference between willing and wanting. We don't have to want, let alone enjoy, doing what needs to be done. Not wanting to do something is altogether different from not being willing to do it. As one recovering woman said, "Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it." The bottom line is that she did let go no matter how badly she wanted to hang on; she was willing.

Think of the people in the program we most admire, those whose progress seems so speedy compared to ours. They may very well not enjoy going out to meetings. They may find it uncomfortable to meet with their sponsors or to say kind words when they really want to complain. They may wish they didn't have to make amends to certain people. But druthers aren't the point. The point is that they are willing to do what it takes.

Today, I ask God to help me deepen my willingness to grow and to see the difference between what I want and what I will.

I am finally coming to that place in my life where I am willing to do what it takes to move forward. The people in the program that I most admire have shown me that the only way to freedom from that which enslaves me is though it, there is no way around it. With the help of my HP and those people I am ready to embrace my past, go through it and remove it's powerful hold on me. It is not what I want to do, but I'm willing to do it if it's necessary. This must begin with self care. It is something I struggle with, but for today, something I am willing to do.

The Tough Ones

If you cannot find it in your heart, you can simply express your willingness to relent: "I am willing to forgive you but not yet."

When we feel that we cannot forgive, it is imperative to ask ourselves again, "Who is being harmed?" and return to the truth of the interbeing.

I am you and you are me. There is no separation between us. Each of us harbors the potential for good and evil in our hearts. There is no them, there is only us. That's what frogiveness is about.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-i Bastis

This is such a difficult thing to do. The big book teaches us that we are all equal. The hard part is remembering that some of us are sicker than others and I must find a way to turn my negative energy into positive energy. I need to find a place in my heart where I can treat all others with the same compassion and care that was giving me when I arrived at the doors totally desperate, broken and filled with hate. The people in the rooms loved me until I could love myself. With spiritual healing I could become the person my HP wills me to be. I owe that very thing to others, for I can't keep it unless I give it away. The individuals who have harmed us the most are the ones that I find are the hardest to extend that compassion and care to. The difficulty lies in the ability to seperate the individual from the harmful action. That is where my struggle lies today. Everyday I wake up and say the words..."I'm willing to forgive you, just not today." I pray that one day I will wake up and be able to say the words without the "just not today" at the end. Until that day arrives I pray for the willingness.

Recalling Our Common Human Essence

Recall the person who harmed you. Visualize him as a baby in his mothers arms and begin to send loving-kindness to that person:

For all the harm you've done to me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive you as much as I can.
As I wish myself to be happy, so I wish you to be happy.
As I wish to my heart to be filled with peace, so I wish your heart to be filled with peace.
I wish you well.

I am willing to forgive you, but not yet.

Then send yourself compassion:
May I be free from pain.
May I be free from suffering.
May my heart be filled with peace.

It doesn't matter if you don't mean the setiments expressed in the meditation. You are cultivating willingness by "acting as if." You are dismanteling the wall of resistance chink by chink. It may take some time, but eventually the light of forgiveness will shine forth. In the meantime be considerate of yourself.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-i Bastis

I'm finding this incredibly hard to do but I'm doing it anyway.

Don't Cloud Your Mind

"Reality is boundless, I vow to preceive it." We declare our willingness to become aware of and accept everything around us, because we intuitively understand that everything is as it should be. There is no need to avoid, or water down our experience. We don't have to cloud our minds with excessive alcohol and drugs. Now a days there are additional possibilities for clouding the mind: obssesive attachment to television, video games and the Internet. What we are doing is trying to escape into a fantasy world of daydreams.
The flip side of escapism is a zest for life, no matter what is happening. As one Zen teacher said, "Be here now." That is it. The good times and the bad, the wins and the losses make up our lives.

Be Present; embrace your life

taken from "Heart of Forgiveness" by Madeline Ko-I Bastis