Self-Abuse

Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves, and it is the Judge, the Victim, and the belief system that makes us do this...

The way we judge ourselves is the worst judge that ever existed...

In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else...

We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot accept and love and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves; it is why we don't accept ourselves; it is why we don't accept ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they are...

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz p. 19-21

This is so very true for me. I gave all that stuff to God during the inventory process, so why is I keep bringing it back up? He has already forgiven me, so it's time to forgive myself. That was a different time and a different me, and honestly I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not walked in those foot steps....they are a part of me, a part of why I am where I am today. I can honestly say I'm grateful for those things because I love my life today. I believe there is a reason for all things, and even though I might not yet know the whys, God will use those experiences to help another through me someday.

Accepting Tragedy

Taken from the book: A Moment to Reflect: Accepting Tragedy by Veronica Ray

No matter who we are or when we are on our path, tragedy can strike us or our loved ones. As Leo Buscaglia says, "We cannot stop a hurricane, silence a storm, or keep a loved one from leaving us." These things, and others, just happen.

It may be hard for us to understand why God allows tragedies to occur. We may feel betrayed. We may want to give up on God or this whole spirituality business. We may wonder why we should bother working so hard at our spiritual growth, only to be ignored in our time of need.

But after our grief and our anger, we can experience another feeling: acceptance. God has wisdom and a plan we know nothing about. Letting go means accepting both the painful and the joyful gifts our Higher Power sends us.

Last night was my home group meeting. I found out upon arrival that a young man who just celebrated three years had taken his own life. That became our topic for the night. It was a very sad meeting with lots of tears, but it also is a meeting I am very grateful. It was a reminder to me that the only guarantee I have is today. Also, that I have a disease that has one goal and that is to see me dead. It never goes away and is always lurking in the back ground waiting for an opportunity to strike. All I can do is keep my spiritual shield strong, remember that my future is in the present and stay out of myself. Maybe this gift, this reminder of how powerful this disease really is was all that our friend had left to give us.

Acceptance Was The Answer

Last night's meeting of my home group read the story "Acceptance Was The Answer" found on p. 407 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed. I haven't read that in a while and I need to get back to it. My sponsor used to have me read it often when I was first getting sober. I had forgotten how many tools are to be found in that story. Here are a few that have helped me tremendously:

• Live in the solution instead of the problem


• When some person,place or thing is bugging me it has nothing to do with that person, place or thing and everything to do with me and my relationship with my Higer Power


• I have to accept life on life's terms


• If I focus on the good things in the day, my day will be great


• my serenity is inversely proportionale to my expectations


• Acceptance is the key to my relationship with my Higher Power


• I need only do the next right thing in front of me and leave the results to my Higher Power

It was a great meeting and a great reminder to me about where my focus needs to be for the greatest chance of success. I think I'll go back to reading it more often.

The Acceptance Prayer

God, more than anything else in this world, I just don't want to be sick anymore.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (people, places and things).
The courage to change the things I can (my attitudes),
And the common sense to know the difference.
God help me to stay clean and sober this day, even in spite of myself. Help me, Lord, to stay sensitive to my own needs and the things that are good for me, and to stay sensitive to the needs of others and the things that are good for them.
And if You please, Lord, free me enough of the bondage of self that I may be of some useful value as a human being, whether I understand or not,
That I may carry my own keys, maintain my own integrity, and live this day at peace with You, at peace with myself, and at peace with the world I live in, just for today.
God help me during this day to demonstrate that:
It is good for me to love and to be loved.
It is good for me to understand and to be understood.
It is good for me to give and receive.
It is good for me to comfort and to allow myself to be comforted.
And it is obviously far better for me to be useful as a human being, than to be selfish.
God, help me please help me to put one foot in front of the other, to keep moving forward, and to do the best I can with what I have today,
Accepting the results of whatever that may or may not be.

Taken from The 12 Step Prayer Book

My prayer for the day....it has come to my attention yet again that I am trying to control things that are beyond my control. I need to accept that I have certain things in my life that have the appearance of being things I can change when in reality they are things I cannot change. By continually trying to change that which I cannot I am being selfish and not of maximum service to God and those around me. So for today I will pray this prayer and pick up the tools that have been given me to deal with those things.....thanks to those who love me enough to help me see this blind spot and have so compassionately guided me on this journey.

Love and Acceptance

I will not hurt anyone today by any comment. I will truthfully share the love and acceptance I have been given.

Today's thought is:

If one is going to be truthful, one has to be very tender. --Florida Scott-Maxwell

Honesty is always the best policy, right? We glibly recite that saying, but it's important to reevaluate its meaning when we are eager to correct or direct the actions of the other people. If being honest will unnecessarily harm them, perhaps being silent is better.

The program is helping us restructure our lives. We discover that many former, automatic responses no longer fit who we desire to be. That means we have to try new, less-practiced behaviors, such as being honest without being harsh or critical.

Learning tenderness is possible. With the help of this program and one another, we are learning to express the acceptance and love that have been given to us by our Higher Power. Giving away what we have been given is sharing the truth absolutely.

I will not hurt anyone today by any comment. I will truthfully share the love and acceptance I have been given.

I needed to hear this today. It was a crazy, long day at work. I work in a field that can be very challenging at times. Yet I work with those who are the most disadvantage in our society. They also are the most accepting, truthful and loving group too. Sometimes I forget that if I want those qualities than I must live those qualities. When I chose not to live those qualities than the people around me feed off my negative energy and that's what I get on return. This reading was a good reminder to me and just what I needed to hear.

An Attitude of Love

"There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer; no disease that enough love will not heal; no door that enough love will not open."


This is so true. I have been concentrating on this principle and it is amazing what I can accomplish with an attitude of love and acceptance of people, places and things as being exactly how they are supposed tp be at this moment

Steps To Happiness

Everybody Knows:
You can't be all things to all people.
You can't do all things at once.
You can't do all things equally well.
You can't do all things better than everyone else.

Your humanity is showing just like everyone else's.So:

You have to find out who you are, and be that.
You have to decide what comes first, and do that.
You have to discover your strengths, and use them.
You have to learn not to compete with others,

Because no one else is in the contest of *being you*.

Then:

You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness.
You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.
You will have learned to live with your limitations.
You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.
And you'll be a most vital mortal.

Dare To Believe:

That you are a wonderful, unique person.
That you are a once-in-all-history event.
That it's more than a right, it's your duty, to be who you are.
That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.
And you'll be able to stay one up on
what used to get you down

Author Unknown

This sounds so nice but in reality is a tough one. I am ina position right now where I have to decide who I am and be that person and decide what comes first and do it. I am filled with uncertainty and doubt, fear really, because is I do this very thing I may lose something very precious to me. I must remind myself that without sobriety I would lose it anyway and it was never mine in the first place. I f I set it free and it comes back than I suppose it was meant to be.

There Is No Escape

We can't escape "Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them."-- Orison Swett Marden

We can’t escape problems and negativity. Escaping just brings denial and suppression - we continue to carry the problem with us. Ironically, it is our lack of acceptance and resistance to the problem that creates the pain. Resistance builds up an energy wall or block that, if not discharged, gets suppressed into the body. These blocks identify places where we have not enough understanding or love. For health, we must work through what we seek to avoid. How do we do this? We can love parts of ourselves that we don’t like. We can seek the lessons we are being invited to learn through the problem. We can examine our beliefs and seek to see different perspectives and a bigger picture. As our perspectives grow, more of life makes sense and has meaning.

"The Lord is a good psychologist: he knows the way our minds run. Turmoil can be the Lord's way of tapping us on the shoulder and saying, 'Don't forget me.'"-- Eknath Easwaran

This is a lesson I'm learning everyday. I spent a long time doing everything I could to escape from problems. I drank, drugged and ran at every opportunity. It worked for a while. Eventually the pain became overwhelming. The turmoil or tapping on my shoulder said it is time to work through the problems and painful memories so that they could be put to rest forever. I have a faith and trust in a Higher Power that was lacking in all those years of running. I know that I will have that power and strength to lean on now. My Higher Power has also brought help in the form of a wonderful husband and supportive friends whom he has chosen to cross my path. I will get through this with their help and support. By accepting the memories they will lose their power over me. My best friend is always reminding me that those things that have power over me, that I now see as my greatest liablilites, will one day soon be my greatest assests. I am longing for that day when I will rest peacefully and recognize those assests. I know what I have to do to get to that place, I have been praying for the willingness to take the steps, and now I am willing to follow through. This year I am beginning that journey, those steps through the past. So far it has been painful, yet rewarding. The one experience from the past that I have worked through has brought me tremendous rewards. I have no doubt that the work I do today and tomorrow will bring equal results. Thank you to those who have held me while I take every step on this journey. Your love and support I can never repay. You have been my friend, my lover, my sister, my support holding me through it all.

Acceptance

Here is a Zen Koan:
When you reach the top of a hundred foot pole
how do you move forward?

When you cannot move forward or backward; when you no longer can maintain footing on the tip of the pole; what do you do? The only answer is too surrender. For me it was to learn to accept all sides of myself, both the good and the bad.

taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-I Bastis

I am at that place where I can't go forward and I can't go backwards. My way has landed my butt in this position. Therefore all I have left is to surrender and trust that with the help of my sponsor and my Higher Power I can get through this. I am grateful for the help of my sponsor. My job is too surrender and trust. As Scott Stapp syas in his song Broken.....Fear isn't real.

Anna Sent me this this afternoon too:

February 22

GUIDANCE...

this means a belief in a Creator who is all power, justice, and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meaning, and a destiny to grow, however.... haltingly, toward His own likeness and image.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 51


As I began to understand my own powerlessness and my dependence on God, as I understand Him, I began to see that there was a life which, if I could have it, I would have chosen for myself from the beginning. It is through the continuing work of the Steps and the life in the Fellowship that I've learned to see that there is truly a better way into which I am being guided. As I come to know more about God, I am able to trust His ways and His plans for the development of His character in me. Quickly or not so quickly, I grow toward His own image and likeness.

Today's Thought

Today's thought is:

To avoid pain at all costs forces us to reject half the lessons life can teach. --Jan Pishok

If we could remember that every experience we'll ever have is unique and offers us a lesson we will grow from, we'd accept them all with far greater ease. What's there to be afraid of anyway? God is never absent. In fact, God is present during every experience. Remembering this makes us courageous as we walk through the turmoil that interrupts the peaceful times.

Before coming to this program, we feared most of the situations that called to us, and understandably so. We were often trying to do the improbable without the wisdom or the guidance that might have guaranteed success. By taking the Third Step every morning of our lives, as has been suggested, we can positively influence the outcome of every experience we'll have. Hallelujah!

I will not avoid any experience today. I'll simply remember that God is present and that I need to know what calls to me.

I'm trying to stay with my pain these days and remember I am not alone. I have gotten many experiences form painful experiences thus far. I always ran but they got up with me. I'm trying to stay here and now and know that if G.O.D. brought me to this place, than I'm ready for it, because I was told early on that when the student is ready the teacher will appear...

Jesse's Day

Jesse,

Today is the day you entered the world, four years ago. You were never to take a breath in this world, but you have touched so many lives. I have so much to tell you. First of all I’m so very sorry for not giving you a voice. I have come to the realization that you gave your life so that I might live. That is the ultimate act of love, to give ones life so that another might live. You are strong. I am beginning to understand the strength that you were given. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. I loved you like only a mother could. The disease of alcoholism took away my ability to choose whether or not to drink and use. I know that my using contributed to your death. I’m sorry does not even begin to describe the regret I have in my heart. I cannot change the past. What I can do is tell you that in order to honor your memory and to acknowledge that your life served a great purpose is to pledge to you that I will work to the best of my ability one day at a time to remain sober and work to improve my life and be of service to other.

I want to thank you for the love you have given me. I want to thank you for teaching me what the true meaning of love is. I feel your presence everyday. I can never say I’m sorry enough to replace all the times I have not acknowledged you and given you a voice. What I can do is pledge to you that from this day forward you will have a voice. I will try to the best of my ability to share your strength with all that I come in contact with.

I also want to say thank you for the protection you have provided this family in the last four years. We have all been touched by your protection……you were there the night the scaffolding fell and you protected Steve, you were there the night that Kim was stuck on bad roads and got her home safely, you were there when I was lost in the dark night of the soul and you gave me strength to come out the other side.

I love you forever and always. Sweet dreams little man. Godspeed little man. I will fly to you on angels wings…

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I Love You

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and matchbox cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," whatever you are
And I Love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

by Radney Foster

In loving memory of "Our Little Man," Jesse James. Born into this world Feb.14, 2002, never to take a breath, but to touch so many lives.