Acknowledgement

I acknowledge that there are things that I do that are not in my best interest. I forgive myself for doing the things I have done that are not in my best interest.

I acknowledge that, most of the time, I have no conscious awareness of the things I do that are not in my best interest. I forgive myself for being unaware of the things that I do that are not in my own best interest.

I acknowledge that when I have been consciously aware that my actions were not in my best interest, I chose, in response to the fear I experienced, to continue the course of action. I forgive my self for choosing in response to fear.

I acknowledge that I have been an active, although unconscious, participation is the creation of pain and discomfort in my life and the lives of others. I forgive myself for unconscious participation in the creation of pain and discomfort in my life and the life of others.

I acknowledge that there are occassions on which I have been an active conscious participant in the creation of pain and discomfort in my life and the lives of others. I forgive myself for conscious participation in the creation of pain and discomfort in my life and the life of others.

I acknowledge that I have made conscious choices and decisions, being aware that the choices or decisions were not in my best interest, but in pursuit of monetary gain or reward. I forgive myself for placing the value of money before my best interest.

I acknowledge that when I experience fear, I do not tell the truth. I forgive myself for not telling the truth under all circumstances.

I acknowledge that I allowed myself to believe things about myself that are not true. I forgive myself for believing things that were not true about myself.

I acknowledge that I have been angry with myself for not being able to change my behavior. I forgive myself for being angry with myself.

I acknowledge that I have been angry with others and held them responsible for my own inability to change myself. I forgive myself for being angry with others. I forgive myself for being angry with others for my actions and my life.

I acknowledge that I am a child of God. I acknowledge that I am valuable, worthy and loveable. I acknowledge that God is the source and center of my life. I acknowledge that only God can chance the false beliefs I have held about myself. I acknowledge that my acknowledgment of God can and will heal the wounds I have eperienced as a result of false beliefs, fear based choices and decisions, and ignorance of God's sovereignty in my life. I forgive myself totally and unconditionally. I know ask the Holy Spirit of God to heal my wounds, to eliminate all false beliefs I have held, and to open my heart to true unconditional love.

For all that I have recieved and all that is to come, I am so grateful.

Taken from "Yesterday, I Cried" by Iyanla Vanzant

This part of the book said a lot to me. I had struggled with coming to that place where I could love myself. What I dicovered was that I was still kicking myself in the ass for things that I had done when I was using. I forgot to forgive myself. Once I was able to do that, I was able to love myself. I was able to see that I was another child of my Higher Power, no better or no worse than any other. If I could forgive others than I could surely forgive myself. That is the point where I discovered that love has to start with me and my relationship with my Higher Power and than it can grow and spread to others. Once I could accept myself for who I was and admit that I was good just because God made me, than I was able to accept the love others were giving to me. It was a huge turning point in my life. Thanks to the grace of a Higher Power and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous I have learned to do these things and to accept and give forgivenes and love. The result is a life that has purpose and meaning and is worth living to the fullest everyday.

Understanding the 12 Steps

Understanding comes slowly from practice of the twelve steps. From simple acts such as:

1. Humbily addmitting our alcoholism. Desiring to stop drinking and treating our alcoholism.
2. Honest effort to lose alcoholic skepticism. Faith in God and the AA program.
3. Making a descion to live as free as possible of mental binges.
4. Identifying character defects that isolate us from contented society.
5. Submitting these defects in prayer to God for removal.
6. Honestly living each Step to establish a conscious contact with him.
7. Prayer without resentments in our hearts.
8. Studying the Big Book for understanding to improve our conscious. Forgiving others.
9. Dealing in right motives, fair treatment.
10. Acting with kindness and sanity in our business and home life.
11. Being honest and appreciative, helping others, showing tolerance.
12. Belief in our spiritual potential. Willingness to find God in developing it.

I needed to read this today. Especially the part about willingness to find God, faith in God. I am sitting here in misery because things aren't working out the way I want them to or think they should. I sat down to read and found this. It dawned on me that I am sitting in this postion because I never once asked God for help through this, and I haven't listened for an answer or tried to see what his will might be. I need to stop and surrender my will and my life over to my Higher Power and than maybe it will be a better day than testerday......

The 9th Step Promises & My Dad

Yesterday I received an incredible gift. I have been chipping away at my 9th step and have come to a place where the list is nearly completed. Those left on the list are ones that I am simply waiting for an opportunity to arise, or they are ones that I am willing to do but may never have the opportunity as the other party at this point is unwilling to hear them. I can read the promises an P.83 and P.84 in the Big Book and understand them as they are actually happening in my life.

The gift I received yesterday is proof that they are coming true for me. Back in early Feb. I made my amends with my father. At the time he didn't say much. I suppose he needed time to process what I said. Yesterday I received a letter in the mail from him. In that letter he stated that he feels his life is complete, that he has received all that he needs. He went on to state that he is proud of me and who I am becoming. He said that he is proud of the way I have changed my life, which is comformation for me that my actions are being seen and recognized. He went on to say that he is proud of the way that my husband and I have raised our kids. That alone was an incredible statement, as I have for a long time felt as though he was judging me in that department, which turns out to not be the case at all. He went on to acknowledge the things I have done in my past and to apologize himself for not being a father during much of my childhood. He ran from the disease and therefore ran from his responsiblities as a father. My father told me that the past is the past and we can't change it, but rather learn from it and do the right thing from this day forward. Somehow that helped bring me to that promise of not regreting the past, nor wishing to shut the door on it. He finished the letter with the statement, "I am honored to call you my daughter." This letter is one of those gifts of sobriety, a fulfillment of the promises, that I never imagined possible when I began this journey. I am truly blessed, I feel as though I have the greatest father in the world.

This program really works, if you work it!

The Tough Ones

If you cannot find it in your heart, you can simply express your willingness to relent: "I am willing to forgive you but not yet."

When we feel that we cannot forgive, it is imperative to ask ourselves again, "Who is being harmed?" and return to the truth of the interbeing.

I am you and you are me. There is no separation between us. Each of us harbors the potential for good and evil in our hearts. There is no them, there is only us. That's what frogiveness is about.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-i Bastis

This is such a difficult thing to do. The big book teaches us that we are all equal. The hard part is remembering that some of us are sicker than others and I must find a way to turn my negative energy into positive energy. I need to find a place in my heart where I can treat all others with the same compassion and care that was giving me when I arrived at the doors totally desperate, broken and filled with hate. The people in the rooms loved me until I could love myself. With spiritual healing I could become the person my HP wills me to be. I owe that very thing to others, for I can't keep it unless I give it away. The individuals who have harmed us the most are the ones that I find are the hardest to extend that compassion and care to. The difficulty lies in the ability to seperate the individual from the harmful action. That is where my struggle lies today. Everyday I wake up and say the words..."I'm willing to forgive you, just not today." I pray that one day I will wake up and be able to say the words without the "just not today" at the end. Until that day arrives I pray for the willingness.

Recalling Our Common Human Essence

Recall the person who harmed you. Visualize him as a baby in his mothers arms and begin to send loving-kindness to that person:

For all the harm you've done to me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive you as much as I can.
As I wish myself to be happy, so I wish you to be happy.
As I wish to my heart to be filled with peace, so I wish your heart to be filled with peace.
I wish you well.

I am willing to forgive you, but not yet.

Then send yourself compassion:
May I be free from pain.
May I be free from suffering.
May my heart be filled with peace.

It doesn't matter if you don't mean the setiments expressed in the meditation. You are cultivating willingness by "acting as if." You are dismanteling the wall of resistance chink by chink. It may take some time, but eventually the light of forgiveness will shine forth. In the meantime be considerate of yourself.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-i Bastis

I'm finding this incredibly hard to do but I'm doing it anyway.

Beginning to Forgive: As Much as I Can

For all the harm you have done me, knowinly or unknowingly, I forgive you as much as I can.

Then begin to send loving-kindness to yourself.
May I be safe from harm.
May I be happy and peaceful.
May I be strong and healthy.
May I live life joyfully

Call to mind the person who harmed you and say the forgiveness phrase:
For all the harm you have done me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive you as much as I can.
As I wish myself to be safe, happy and peaceful, so I wish you well.
May you live your life with ease.

When your tension is eased you can say:
I am willing to forgive you, but not yet.

When you do this meditation, it's important to be compassionate to yourself.....But your intention is vital. Each drop of willingness to forgive erodes the resentment.....Forgiveness is a process and occurs in its own time

Forgive yourself for not being able to forgive
I am willing to forgive you, but not yet.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-i Bastis

I am at this place. I know that I have to go through this stuff in order to heal and move on with life. But that means feeling all those feelings that I spent all this years numbing out from and avoiding. It is everything I can do just to stay in the moment when the feeling come. Every inch of my being wants to run and escape. Doing that will get me no where but the bottom of a bottle and that is a place I really can't go to. So I stay and I survive and I lean on my HP and my fellowship for strength and I know that I will get through this. Thanks to all who are that support. I love ya all.

Forgiving Others

Even when the resentment fades away, a tinge of bitterness remains that colors the way we view ourselves and the world. We either live life as a contest - me against everyone else - or see ourselves as victims. When we allow what happens to us to define who we are, then we give up our freedom to evolve and grow. Feelings of powerlessness or thoughts of revenge make us rigid and imprison us as surely as the defenses we build to avoid being hurt further.

But who are we protecting?

Before we can think about
forgiving the harm others have
done us and letting go of
resentment, we first have
to find out who has been harmed.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-i Bastis

When I let go of my rensentments and realize that I'm only a vicitm if I chose to be. However that leaves a void that I must learn to fill. If I'm not a victim and if I'm not in the "me against them" mode then what am I to be? This is the place where I have to learn that loving-kindness. The place where I learn to turn negative energy into positve energy. Where I learn to extend my hand and let others know that I wish for you the same happiness that I want in my life. Easier said than done, but certainly something to work towards.

Breaking the Cycle of Harm

When a perosn verbally assaults you, take a couple of dep breaths. Then silently send the person loving-kindness, by repeating the phrase:

May you be happy and peaceful. I wish you well.

This may seem wimpy and passive, but it is active in a creative way...When negative energy is directed toward us, we can actually transform that energy into a positive force. Loving-kindness is the catalyst. We are not turning the other cheek, asking for more abuse; we are extending our hands in a gesture of understanding. No matter whether the cutting words are deliberate or thoughtless, we simply acknowledge that we all share the same desire to be happy.

It is a form of forgiveness.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-I Bastis

This is such a difficult thing for me to do. Yet I am learning that ultimately I can only control my own actions, words and thought, not anyone elses. I find that if I stay in the positive that my life sure moves a lot better.

Befriending Our Feelings

When we befriend our feelings we become free to face the person who harmed us without rancor.

One of the best things about mindfulness is that it brings us into balance. If we tend to counterattack when someone hurts us, then a moment of mindfilness gives us ttime to act thoughtfully and compassionately. If we tend to hold in our hurt and anger, then awareness lets us know exactly how we feel and gives us courage to express those feelings to the other person. It isn't necessary to hold everything inside. It's important to let other persons know that they have harmed you. Sometimes the harm is unintentional, caused by the other person's lack of mindfulness.

For all the harm you have done me. knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive you. Just because someone acted unintentionally, does not mean that he can't learn and grow. If you don't gentally call on his transgressions, then the thoughtless actions will continue. When we find the delicate balance between aggressive response and whimping out, then we can act without an agenda. We say what we fill without expecting anything in return.

Taken from Heart of Forgivness by Madeline Ko-i Bastis

Once I began to even acknowledge my feelings things improved. Now that I am allowing the feelings to be a part of me and just sit with them life is even better. I am looking forward to the future finally, and that is a good feeling.

Forgiving Ourselves

When we think about forgiving ourselves, we are generally forgiving transgressions we have committed against others. The vicitm may forgive us. God may forgive us, but we often don't forgive ourselves.

We are trapped in a cul-de-sac of guilt and shame.

Loving-kindness is the foundation of forgiveness, but sometimes the most difficult person to love unconditionally is yourself. We hold ourselves to impossible standards of perfection, and when we fail to meet them, we feel worthless.

Loving-kindness begins with ourselves.

taken from the Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-I Bastis

Lately I have been filled with feelings of worthlessness, guilt and shame. The result has been me being stuck in self-pity. This has led to a lot of old behaviors kicking in. That results in my program going backwards not forward. I have been working to push all that is good out of my life, as if I don't deserve it. It's time to start focusing on the solutions in my life and put the ass kicking machine away. I was told by a friend that I'm closest to my HP while I'm in the present. Morbid reflection in the past and all the things I've done wrong is where my ego is. My ego does nothing but destroy those relationships I've worked so hard to build. So for today I will try to remember my "orange!" God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. So Be It.

Karma

How can we stop a spiraling descent into fear and violence?

Forgiveness is the first step. We see that all of us are capable of acting from greed, anger, and ignorance, and then we forgive the sinner, not the act.

Just one act of forgiveness can change our lives and prevade the whole universe.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-I Bastis

Why Do We Cause Harm?

Meditation:
All evil karma, ever committed by me of old,
On account of my beginningness, greed, anger and ignorance,
Born of my body, mouth and thoughts,
Now I attone for it all.

The three poisons of greed, anger and ignorance
are the root cause of harmful thoughts, words,
and actions. Each of these qualities arise because
we are not comfortable with the way things are.

How can I stop a spiraling descent into fear and violence? Forgiveness is the first step. We see that all of us are capable of acting from greed, anger, and ignorance, and than we forgive the transgressor, not the act.

Just one act of forgiveness can change our whole lives and pervade the whole universe.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madaline Ko-I Bastis