More About Alcoholism

The book Alcoholics Anonymous tells us in the chapter, "More About Alcoholism," that there will come a time when there is nothing between me and a drink but a power greater than me.

The book says, ".....They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow....."

A bit later it says this, "....The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (Big Book p42-43).

I have read this a million times, my sponsor has said it a million times, I've heard it in meetings, and yet I was shocked when it happened today. I was having a good day. Although I have said many times in the last week that I don't ever want to go through that stuff again, I was having no thoughts of using whatever. I excused myself to use the restroom.......as I locked the door behind me there was no thought whatever into what happened next. I came to a few moments later with four bottles of narcotics, stolen from a medicine cabinet, on the counter. I was in the process of deciding exactly how many I would skim off each bottle. At that very moment I heard a voice in my mind. The voice was very familiar as it was that of a friend with whom I had had a conversation about relapse with just hours before. The voice said, "think it through to the end, what are the consequences?" At that very moment I recognized that the voice I was hearing was that of my Higher Power and that the strength to get through this moment was being given to me. All I had to do was grab onto it. It really scared the shit out of me. I had put no more thought into what I was doing than one would by walking out to the mailbox and back. I had no mental defense what so ever. I chose to listen to that voice....I put those bottles away as fast as I could and got out of there. I was thanking God every step of the way. It was a powerful lesson for me about exactly how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease really is. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety I have been graced with today.

Twelve Steps of Insanity

The Twelve Steps of Insanity

1. We admitted that we were powerless over nothing. We could manage our lives perfectly and we could manage those of anyone else that would allow it.

2. Came to believe that there was no power greater than ourselves, and the rest of the world was insane.

3. Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and their lives over to our care.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.

5. Admitted to the world at large the exact nature of their wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.

7. Demanded that others either shape up or ship out.

8. Made a list of anyone who had ever harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them all.

9. Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible except when to do so would cost us our own lives, or at the very least, a jail sentence.

10. Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong, promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

11. Sought through nagging to improve our relations with others, as we couldnt understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and do things our way.

12. Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.

After a long night with a sponsee I thought it would be a good thing to remember what insanity looks like.

Powerless Not Helpless

Powerless, Not Helpless

People sometimes hear the word powerless and think it means "passive," that people who work with the, Twelve Steps think they are victims, that life is just happening to them. While it's true that there are lots of things you can't control in the world -- the weather, the economy, your parents -- chances are no one is shoving booze down your throat or a line up your nose or a supersized fast-food meal into your mouth. We are powerless over the disease of alcoholism and the effects of alcohol, but we are not powerless over whether we pick up a drink or not. The Buddha was emphatic on the point that we are responsible moment to moment for our words and actions, not just victims of destiny or hidden forces; we have an element of free will.

Noah Levine, a recovering addict, meditation teacher, and author of the moving spiritual memoir Dharma Punx, puts it this way: "I don't have power over what desires I have, but I do have power over what actions I take." Noah recognizes, though, that his sense of powerlessness can become corrupted. "I can see a tendency towards nihilism both in my spiritual practice and in my recovery. At times I use the First Step and my meditation practice as excuses to avoid the suffering in the world, feeling that I can't do anything about it or that it is just everyone's karma unfolding." This is a distortion of the concept of powerlessness. It's an excuse to give up and bail out on life and responsibility.

The Buddhist term near enemies can shed light on the difference between powerlessness and helplessness. For example, the near enemy of compassion is pity; the near enemy of equanimity is indifference. I think helplessness or, as Noah puts it, alcoholism is the near enemy of powerlessness. This tendency to turn spiritual ideas upside down and inside out is very dangerous for an alcoholic, or anyone who has negative habits of mind. It can be the beginning of a slide into depression, despair, and eventually drinking again -- or worse.

Noah brings the First Step and Buddhism together when he says, "Yes, I am powerless, but I also have the ability to purify my actions of speech, body, and mind through the practice of spiritual principles." ........

After the Buddha tells us all of this, essentially pointing out what we are powerless over in this world -- everyone, not just addicts or alcoholics -- he says that there is one thing that we do have power over: our karma. This means that we are responsible for our own situation -- up to a point. The Buddha said that people do have free will, and that this is what karma is, the energy of our will. The way I express this will, whether skillfully or unskillfully, determines the results of my life -- a simple cause-and-effect formula.

Karma, like powerlessness, is often misunderstood. People commonly think it means destiny or fate. But both the Twelve Steps and Buddhist teaching point to the ways in which we shape our own destiny. The Buddha said everything starts with thoughts; that we speak and act based on thoughts; that our words and actions turn into habits -- or addictions; and that those habits shape our character into something inflexible. So, he says, "Watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings . . . As the shadow follows the body, as we think, so we become." This underscores a strong argument for the value of meditation practice. Meditation makes it possible to see your thoughts more clearly, and when you see your thoughts clearly, you can consciously decide how to respond to them.

One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve
Steps

Kevin Griffin

This brings me to where I am. I am powerless. It is time to take the actions necessary to move forward from here because I am not helpless. I have acted helpless of late. It has gotten me nowhere except closer to a drink. My sponsor always tells me that I am only one drink from disaster, yet if I take action I can remain 12 steps away from that drink. That is where I am going today. It has been difficult to get up and take the action necessary, but the payoff is I feel better and more at peace everyday as I work to stay 12 steps away. Thanks to all those who have provided support as I have learned to find my way. I couldn't make it without the help of my Higher Power and all of you.

Forgiving Others

Even when the resentment fades away, a tinge of bitterness remains that colors the way we view ourselves and the world. We either live life as a contest - me against everyone else - or see ourselves as victims. When we allow what happens to us to define who we are, then we give up our freedom to evolve and grow. Feelings of powerlessness or thoughts of revenge make us rigid and imprison us as surely as the defenses we build to avoid being hurt further.

But who are we protecting?

Before we can think about
forgiving the harm others have
done us and letting go of
resentment, we first have
to find out who has been harmed.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-i Bastis

When I let go of my rensentments and realize that I'm only a vicitm if I chose to be. However that leaves a void that I must learn to fill. If I'm not a victim and if I'm not in the "me against them" mode then what am I to be? This is the place where I have to learn that loving-kindness. The place where I learn to turn negative energy into positve energy. Where I learn to extend my hand and let others know that I wish for you the same happiness that I want in my life. Easier said than done, but certainly something to work towards.

Sweet Surrender

Sweet Surrender

So we're ready to take on the world, at least to take the next step. That's when it hits. Or rather we hit it.

The wall.

Suddenly the path that looked so clear, so easy, so laid out in front of us disappears. Just a little glitch, we think. We take another run at it.

It's still there.

Must be me, we think. I'll try a little harder. Get this problem under control. We may mumble a few words to a Higher Power, something about needing help, but essentially we're praying for enough steam to ram into and run through that wall, sometimes chanting the mantra My will be done all the way.

I wish I could tell you there is a way to avoid this wall-banging, head-bumping vortex of chaos, but if there is, I haven't found it.

It's a dirty dust devil of self-will.

Hearing that we're powerless over people, places, and things (such as alcohol and other drugs) and intellectually understanding that concept is one thing. Experiencing powerlessness is another.

I didn't surrender to my powerlessness over alcohol and drugs because I wanted to. I surrendered because I had to, because I was worn out, because I couldn't keep going anymore. I went down hard.

One morning, a friend called to see whether I had solved a problem I was struggling with. "Yup," I said. "I told God last night that whatever happened was okay with me." I was willing to do whatever God wanted. And I meant it.

"Oh that," she said gently. "Sweet surrender."

"Yeah," I said. "It's sweet . . . now."

Surrender. The place that those of us on a spiritual path call home.