RIP Jane

This afternoon I learned that a dear friend.....part of my online"family" passed away suddenly. She was an inspiration to me. She had many health difficulties and was in and out of the hospital frequently in the last year. Despite all that, she never once complained. She was always hopeful, optimistic and joyous. She was a tremendous example of living in the moment, being at peace and being serene. I will miss her. I know she is finally free from this disease. Here are two of the most important folks in her life.....her babies.....

Suffering

As children we learn a great deal about our ability to survive and get by in life, by the way we were treated. It is ultimately our ability to withstand or understand the treatment we receive as children that determines what we think about ourselves as adults......One big lesson.....grin and bear your grief....suffer in silence....silent suffering was good for the soul......He taught her that life was hard and that you must do whatever is necessary to survive.....Daddy taught her that money was more important than personal honor, and that it is okay to do whatever is necessary to get the money you need to live. He taught her that family is no where near as important as your reputation among your peers. He also taught her that making do with what you have is more important than asking for what you want. More important still, he taught her never to tell the truth if it will make trouble, or get you in trouble.....Unfortunately, when you have a survivalist mentality, you become so caught up in surviving, you forget that there is another way of living. You forget about the joy and the gentleness and the softness. You forget about communication and intimacy. You forget that in the process of living you must remember to be gentle and kind. When you are a daddy, you may even forget that your little girl is watching you, waiting for you to make things better. She had a hard time learning all of the things that her daddy and the other adults in her life forgot.

Taken from "Yesterday, I cried" by Iyanla Vanzant

This reading really hit home for me. I learned everything in this very same manner. What really hit me was the fact that I am recovering, yet I still do some of those old behaviors. I want my kids to learn a new way and hopefully stop the cycle of addiction and dysfunction. I am learning that this will take a lifetime to change all the old into new. All I can do is to keep trying and move forward from there. The key is being honest with my kids about the mistakes and help them to learn a new way as I learn the new way too. They already have so much growth and knowledge above what I came into this program with and that has to be a good starting point.

Jesse's Day

Jesse,

Today is the day you entered the world, four years ago. You were never to take a breath in this world, but you have touched so many lives. I have so much to tell you. First of all I’m so very sorry for not giving you a voice. I have come to the realization that you gave your life so that I might live. That is the ultimate act of love, to give ones life so that another might live. You are strong. I am beginning to understand the strength that you were given. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. I loved you like only a mother could. The disease of alcoholism took away my ability to choose whether or not to drink and use. I know that my using contributed to your death. I’m sorry does not even begin to describe the regret I have in my heart. I cannot change the past. What I can do is tell you that in order to honor your memory and to acknowledge that your life served a great purpose is to pledge to you that I will work to the best of my ability one day at a time to remain sober and work to improve my life and be of service to other.

I want to thank you for the love you have given me. I want to thank you for teaching me what the true meaning of love is. I feel your presence everyday. I can never say I’m sorry enough to replace all the times I have not acknowledged you and given you a voice. What I can do is pledge to you that from this day forward you will have a voice. I will try to the best of my ability to share your strength with all that I come in contact with.

I also want to say thank you for the protection you have provided this family in the last four years. We have all been touched by your protection……you were there the night the scaffolding fell and you protected Steve, you were there the night that Kim was stuck on bad roads and got her home safely, you were there when I was lost in the dark night of the soul and you gave me strength to come out the other side.

I love you forever and always. Sweet dreams little man. Godspeed little man. I will fly to you on angels wings…

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I Love You

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and matchbox cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," whatever you are
And I Love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

by Radney Foster

In loving memory of "Our Little Man," Jesse James. Born into this world Feb.14, 2002, never to take a breath, but to touch so many lives.