The Fourth Agreement

The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

Under any circumstances, always do your best....

Just do your best ---in any circumstance in your life. It doesn't if you are sick or tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don't judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame and self-punishment. By always doing your best, you will break the spell that you have been under....

Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything....

Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you are expecting a reward...

When you do your best you learn to accept yourself...

God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say, "I love you, God," is to live your life doing your best. The best way to say, "Thank you, God," is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and now. Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now...

You were born with the right to be happy. You were born with the right to love, to enjoy and to share your love. You are alive, so take your life and enjoy it. Don't resist life passing through you, because that is God passing through you. Just your existence proves the existence of God. Your existence proves the existence of life and energy.

We don't need to know or prove anything. Just to be, to take a risk and enjoy your life, is all that matters. Say no when you want to say no, say yes when you want to say yes. You have the right to be you. You can only be you when you do your best. When you don't do your best you are denying yourself the right to be you...

Your own body is a manifestation of God, and if you honor your body everything will change for you. When you practice giving love to every part of your body, you plant seeds of love in your mind, and when they grow, you will love, honor, and respect your body immensely...

Every action then becomes a ritual which you are honoring God. After that, the next step is honoring God with every thoughts, every emotion, every belief, even what it is "right" or "wrong."....

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz, pp. 75-91

This agreement is going to be the hardest one I think, however it is so simple. That line....."Every action then becomes a ritual which you are honoring God," is really the key. If I think about each action I take throughout my day and ask myself.....How is this honoring God?, I would be living the perfect life. The problem is that I'm human and often let self will interfere with my best intentions. At least its an ideral I can strive towards.....so for today I will attempt to pause often and review my actions to see if they are honoring God.

The Third Agreement

The Third Agreement is Don't Make Assumptions....

The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth....

We make assumptions about what others are thinking and doing --- then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word....

We make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing...

assumptions set us up for suffering....

We make assumptions that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think that others will judge us, victimize us, blame us and abuse us like we do to ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves....

We don't need to justify love; it is either there or it is not. Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them....

The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions....

The day you stop making assumptions you will communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison....

What really will make the difference is action...

When you transform the dream, magic just happens in your life. What you need comes to you easily because spirit moves freely through you. This is the mastery of intent, the mastery of spirit, the mastery of love, the mastery of gratitude, the mastery of life. This is the goal of the Toltec. This is the path to personal freedom....

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz, pp. 68-74

This agreement will be so very important for me. I am the queen of future trippin'. Staying in the "here and now" will be very important for me. I really like the line love is accpeting of people without trying to change them. I have spent so much time trying to change everyone to fit my world and all I need to do is let those things go and change me. My actions will be the most important thing in the world. Just as a million sorries for drinking fall on deaf hears, but my family notices my choice to be sober everyday, so will other things happen. Time to stop making apologies and start taking action to prevent future harm to others by trying to impose my world on them. What actions have I taken today to accept those around me as they are?

4 Questions

Now that the drama is over and I'm feeling so much better I had a talk with my bestest friend today. She first asked me about the past two weeks and the things that led me to the slippery slope I found myself on. I listed off a few.....Next she asked me four questions about each situation that I thought I would share. These can become a very valuable tool in the future if I use these four questions. Here's how it goes.....

We took each situation and pulled out the idea or thought behind it that was driving me. Then applied the four questions:

1) Is the thought true?

2) Can I absolutely know it is true?

3) How do I react when I believe the thought?

4) Who would I be without the thought?

With each and everyone I found that I could not say that the thought was absolutely true, there was always an element of doubt. In every situation I found that I was hanging onto a fear and trying to control the situation. In every situation I found that had I have the question and turned it over to God, relying on faith rather than being driven by fear, I could have enjoyed life the past two weeks instead of being filled with worry. The worry was wasted energy spent on trying to control that which i had no control over. Spelled out like this it looked so simple.....don't know why sometimes it is so hard for me to get the simple things in life.

Thanks so much for all the help Mable...you are the bestest!

Autonomy

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Touchstones.

It's hard for me to keep my emotions inside. I want to express them now. That's what a team is all about.--Earvin "Magic" Johnson

We become part of a team in this program. That's why all the Steps are written with the word we rather than I. We cannot fully surrender to renewal simply by reading about it, hearing about it, or thinking about it. We become participants, members, and peers. We go to meetings and express the details of our lives, and we learn from the stories of others. In our relationships we learn to let our emotions out.

When we say, "He's hard to get to know," we are talking about someone who doesn't show feelings. Team members express their feelings to build a bond between themselves and gain a familiarity with each other. A man may say, "I'm the sort of guy who doesn't do well in groups," or "I'm not the type to express my feelings." But for the sake of recovery, we must endure the awkwardness of learning new things. On this recovery team it is all right to come just the way we are, awkwardness and all.

Today, I will not hold back my emotions. I will let people know me.

This reading really hit home with me, especially in light of my week. I have not been real forth coming about sharing my feelings with my team. It seems somehow easier to share them here where it is sort of anonymous or even with my best friend, who is a tremendous help, but is not looking me in the face everyday. The people on my team who can really help me and that I can really help, such as my sponsor, my husband, my home group, my sponsee, those are the folks I have been reserved with of late. This past week has been a difficult one and maybe it needed not have been so difficult if I was doing my job on the team.

So yesterday, even though I did not want to, I drove the two hours up highway 12 along the river into the mountains to meet up with my sponsor at the Annual Friends of Bill Winter Retreat at the Lewis & Clark Resort. It was sunny and beautiful. I stopped many times along the way soaking in the beauty of God's world all around me, letting the sun shine on my face. When I arrived I actually drove right to where my sponsor was.....divine guidance I'm sure....thought I would have to wander to find her. We spent the day together. We went to meetings and workshops and a potluck dinner and speakers meeting. We spent hours talking about life and reading from the Big Book and the 12 X 12 and ACIM. Essentially I spent the day inviting her into my recovery in a way that we could become a team. I have been hesitant to do that and it has cost me dearly. I even got to spend part of the evening with her sponsor Pat, whom I had heard lots about but never met before. I also got to see and share with other members of my home group the things that have been going on in my life so that once agian we can all help each other out. I got home way too late last night and I have been draggin butt all day (might be a two nap day today). But it was worth it. I made a huge step toward recovery this weekend. Now I just have to trust in God that I will be where I am meant to be by the end of this next week, and the consequences of my actions will be what they are suppose to be.....thanks to all for sharing your experience, strength and hope along the way and being a part of my TEAM!

Boundaries

I stayed too long in a relationship where I did not feel nutured, comforted, or supported. It had reinforced the pattern of feeling worthless and helpless. Somehow, I allowed myself to believe that I was a vicitm. I had told myself that I was powerless to stop people who were overstepping their boundaries in my life..

Taken from "Yesterday, I Cried" by Iyanla Vanzant

This was so true for me. Today I am learning the necessary tools to set healthy boundaries and and enforce them. This is not an easy thing for someone who has lived with confused boundaries for most of their lives. It is freeing to take these actions, but is difficult too. I'm sure I'm making lots of mistakes along the way, but the point is I'm taking action and that feels good. With the help of my Higher Power and the women in my fellowship I am learning to take actions that will lead to healing. It was a tough day today, but I know that I will have many more good days along the way by taking care of the things I need to today.

Balance

I got this from Mable and thought I would share it with you all.

"Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few;
that we have been indifferent to the many
so long as none of them gave us trouble;
and as for the remainder -- well, we have really
disliked or hated them.

Although these attitudes are common enough,
we AA's find we need something much better
in order to keep our balance.
We can't stand it if we hate deeply.
The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few,
and can continue to fear or hate anybody,
has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time."
c. 1952AAWS, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pp. 92-3

Now comes the hard part. Being honest about where I am. I had to admit out loud today that I am in relapse. Yah, I haven't picked up a drink or a drug yet, but I might as well have with where my head, my Ego is at. I have know this fact for a while now and have cycled back and forth between denial and acceptance, but have not taken all necessary actions to get myself out of this. Yesterday a very dear friend sat me down and was honest with me. My gut was telling me one thing and my head another. I was praying to God and feeling like I was getting no answer. I listened to my head, I forgot that my best thinking got me a seat in AA, and I made yet another poor choice. It was pointed out to me that the gut feeling, was in fact my Higher Power and I didn't listen. Had I have done that and taken action based on that answer the outcome would have been ver different. The blessing of this program is that I have choices today. I can start over and make this all right and make the choices to get back to where I need to be. I have caused some serious harm to myself and to others, but it doesn't have to be the thing that I chose to drink over unless I want to. So today I made some choices and took some actions that will restore me physically, mentally and spiritually. This will take some time but I can get through this if I place my hope and my life in the care of my Higher Power.

Which brings me to the reading I shared here about balance: I have been blessed beyond mywildest dreams. I have people in this fellowship who are willing to place our very frienship on the line for me and the only thing I can do, the right choice is to acccept that gift, be as honest as I can, and move forward from here. It is what I would want them to do and it is what my Higher Power would want for me. I have been blessed to be loved by one of the most wonderful men in the world. I have done more to destroy that relationship than you can imagine and he is still here. In my lifetime I doubt I can hardly repay all that he has done for me and all that he is to me. Just for Today I can begin a journey that is inclusive instead of exclusive as I have been doing. He was there through all the crap and I have not included him in the struggle, the journey, the peace and the serenity. Twenty-Years ago....Aug. 3, 1985 we made a commitment to honor and to serve, through struggles and joys, health and illness, a journey of growth and love, despite troubles and obstacles. He has lived up to that commitment everyday of his life and I have taken that commitment for granted nearly everyday of my life. With the help and gudiance of my Higher Power I went to him and told him this and made a commitment to live up to this as best as I could for today. My words can hardly mean anything anymore, but my actions speak volumnes. The greatest action I can and did give today is that of honesty.

So long as I follow this path I have nothing to fear. I need to stay in my gut where God speaks to me and to stay out of my head where my Ego struggles to regain control. Most of all I must remain Honest, Open Minded and Willing because this disease is the greatest advesary I have ever faced. It is patient above all and will always be waiting for an opportunity to gain ground.

Separateness

Today's thought is:

Separateness

. . . risk creating our own life path.

Sometimes it seems easier to lean on our mate for all decisions and all direction. Then we do not have to risk creating our own life path. Some people think they can avoid that risk by striking a bargain with their mate. They so fully immerse themselves in their mate's identity that they never have to face their own. Some couples unconsciously agree that one partner will do all the thinking and the other will have all the feelings. The result of their bargain blunts the spirit of both people, because neither grasps the challenge to see life through her or his own eyes. When both us know how it feels to walk in the other's shoes but still see our life through our own eyes, we find the greatest personal empowerment and spiritual freedom.

Think of a time when your relationship was stronger because you took the risk to be different.

You are reading from the book:

The More We Find In Each Other by Merle Fossum and Mavis Fossum

This reading hit home for me on some many different levels. My first relationships in my family of origin were very much like this. We were not allowed to have our own identity if it rocked the boat too much so I grew up with a sense of molded myself to the system to make things run smoothly and not stand up and be my own person. When I got married I carried this over into that relationship. I learned very quickly to let him call all the shots and I didn't make a decision on my own until I started drinking. I made decisions but they were all based on trying to keep him happy and the relationship together while continuing my use. When I got sober I was lost. I had all these feelings and emotions to deal with and decisions to make about where my path was going to lead and how to get there. I didn't have a clue how to do anything on my own. It is only in the program of AA and through the guidance of some very special people, most importantly, Mable, that I have begun to make decisions for myself. I am learning that they don't always have to be right and I can learn from them and do it differently next time. The important thing is the action. I can make decisions all day long but I must chose to act on them for there to be any progress. For the first time in my life I am creating my own path. I have stumbled and fallen, but I chose to get up and try again. I have had to ask for help and at times accept the help of an outstretched hand when I didn't want to. I have twisted and turned and stumbled blindly at times. But ultimatley the important thing is that I am learning that I can survive anything put in my path so long as I rely on a Power greater than me and ask for help when I need it, and learn from the wisdom of others and the experiences I encounter. I am free today and with that freedom comes a sense of peace that makes it all worth it.

The Past

It is human nature to assess what we can do according to what we have done. When I didn't do so well yesterday, I have been afraid of making the same mistake again. At this point in my life, however, I realize that if I don't remember what I did, I cannot do anything differently. If I don't pay attention to the details of my actions, I will do the same thing over and over out of habit. I don't want to do that anymore. If that means that I must search every little corner of my life until I understand what I do that gets me into places I don't want to be.

Taken From "Yesterday, I Cried" by Iyanla Vanzant

This program has taught me to not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I have learned that by fixing the past the future can be so much better. In the beginning of my recovery I could see no use for the past and tried my best to bury it. All that did was bring me more pain. It wasn't until I went back and madepeace with every little thing from the past that I could find a place of happy, joyous and free.

Powerless Not Helpless

Powerless, Not Helpless

People sometimes hear the word powerless and think it means "passive," that people who work with the, Twelve Steps think they are victims, that life is just happening to them. While it's true that there are lots of things you can't control in the world -- the weather, the economy, your parents -- chances are no one is shoving booze down your throat or a line up your nose or a supersized fast-food meal into your mouth. We are powerless over the disease of alcoholism and the effects of alcohol, but we are not powerless over whether we pick up a drink or not. The Buddha was emphatic on the point that we are responsible moment to moment for our words and actions, not just victims of destiny or hidden forces; we have an element of free will.

Noah Levine, a recovering addict, meditation teacher, and author of the moving spiritual memoir Dharma Punx, puts it this way: "I don't have power over what desires I have, but I do have power over what actions I take." Noah recognizes, though, that his sense of powerlessness can become corrupted. "I can see a tendency towards nihilism both in my spiritual practice and in my recovery. At times I use the First Step and my meditation practice as excuses to avoid the suffering in the world, feeling that I can't do anything about it or that it is just everyone's karma unfolding." This is a distortion of the concept of powerlessness. It's an excuse to give up and bail out on life and responsibility.

The Buddhist term near enemies can shed light on the difference between powerlessness and helplessness. For example, the near enemy of compassion is pity; the near enemy of equanimity is indifference. I think helplessness or, as Noah puts it, alcoholism is the near enemy of powerlessness. This tendency to turn spiritual ideas upside down and inside out is very dangerous for an alcoholic, or anyone who has negative habits of mind. It can be the beginning of a slide into depression, despair, and eventually drinking again -- or worse.

Noah brings the First Step and Buddhism together when he says, "Yes, I am powerless, but I also have the ability to purify my actions of speech, body, and mind through the practice of spiritual principles." ........

After the Buddha tells us all of this, essentially pointing out what we are powerless over in this world -- everyone, not just addicts or alcoholics -- he says that there is one thing that we do have power over: our karma. This means that we are responsible for our own situation -- up to a point. The Buddha said that people do have free will, and that this is what karma is, the energy of our will. The way I express this will, whether skillfully or unskillfully, determines the results of my life -- a simple cause-and-effect formula.

Karma, like powerlessness, is often misunderstood. People commonly think it means destiny or fate. But both the Twelve Steps and Buddhist teaching point to the ways in which we shape our own destiny. The Buddha said everything starts with thoughts; that we speak and act based on thoughts; that our words and actions turn into habits -- or addictions; and that those habits shape our character into something inflexible. So, he says, "Watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings . . . As the shadow follows the body, as we think, so we become." This underscores a strong argument for the value of meditation practice. Meditation makes it possible to see your thoughts more clearly, and when you see your thoughts clearly, you can consciously decide how to respond to them.

One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve
Steps

Kevin Griffin

This brings me to where I am. I am powerless. It is time to take the actions necessary to move forward from here because I am not helpless. I have acted helpless of late. It has gotten me nowhere except closer to a drink. My sponsor always tells me that I am only one drink from disaster, yet if I take action I can remain 12 steps away from that drink. That is where I am going today. It has been difficult to get up and take the action necessary, but the payoff is I feel better and more at peace everyday as I work to stay 12 steps away. Thanks to all those who have provided support as I have learned to find my way. I couldn't make it without the help of my Higher Power and all of you.

Joyful Mind

Cultivating a joyful mind benefits all beings. When we experience joy, the positive energy radiates from every pore. It's like being a fairy godmother with a magic wand. Everyone we touch is infected with well-being, and that well-being spreads throughout the community. When there is joy there is no room for harmful thoughts, words, or actions.

Taken from Heart of Forgiveness by Madeline Ko-I Bastis

I was at a meeting last night and joy was the topic. It kind of bothered me for a while but eventually I came to an understanding that joy and pain are connected. The way out of pain is focusing on the joy, being grateful for all that I do have. It will be a long journey I'm sure to be able to alway turn the negative into positve, but it sure seems a worht while cause. I wish you all joy today.