The last 48 hours have been a huge lesson on ego for me. I have been acting in a certain way for twenty some years now for the sole purpose of making another person happy. All along I never seen this as a choice or a negative thing. Upon further refelction it is really about being loved and accepted more so than about pleasing that person. Yesterday I found myself at a place where I was feeling pretty defeated. So I made some phone calls, did some praying and some reading. I have always seen this other person as a weakness. It was pointed out today that that weakness is in reality a defect. I am not being honest to myself or relying on God's strength if I am taking action in order to please another person.
There is a section on the Big Book I like that goes like this: "I found everything I had ever looked for in Alcoholics Anonymous. I used to thank God for putting A.A. in my life, now I thank A.A. for putting God in my life. I found my tribe, the social architecture that fulfills my every need for comaraderie and conviviality. I learned how to live. When I asked how I could find self-esteem, you told me, "by doing worthwhile acts!" You explained the Big Book had no chapter titled "Into Thinking" or "Into Feeling", only "Into Action." p. 336 Alcoholics Anonymous
My best friend explained it best this morning by saying, "It's always about action....esteem comes from esteemable acts....so in the end I can blame, twist, hide, change all the words I want, but in the end it's me that has to get honest and take action." So honesty begins with admitting and accepting that in fact my so called "weakness" is truly a defect of character which must be handled according to the book. I need to further more take actions that change things in my life so that I no longer allow these same things to occur. By doing that I will gain esteem, peace and happiness. I need to place my security in God, not in other people.
Tall order.......but after some necessary prayer, I'm off to take some action!
