New Leg of the Journey

Well.......so much has happened since I last posted. After 22 years of marriage my husband asked me for a divorce. Last night was my first night in my new place. It has been an emotional roller coaster. There were some many memories of wonderful times and we made two wonderful children. The reality is that since I got sober 4 years ago we have grown on two very different paths, especially spiritually. It became clear that this leg of my journey was to be done solo. I have had to work hard to remember that my Higher Power and sobriety must come before everything else, for without them I will have nothing. A decision had to be made about the future and it was tough, but ultimately it came down to one thing........for me, to drink is to die.......and the marriage, the way it was going was leading me closer to a drink. I have been busy with packing and moving and unpacking......but as I begin this new leg of my journey I will be blogging the pains and the joys, as that is always so helpful for me......Thanks to those of you who keep checking here and asking where I have been. Thanks to those who have held me up during this difficult time of change, especially I am grateful for the strength given me by my Higher Power.

KVOE

There is this wonderful guy in California who was for many years my sponsor's sponsor. He had this saying that made no sense to me early on in my sobriety, but it makes perfect sense now. On Thursday I will be headed east to see Mable for a much needed vacation. This will be a chance to get my Ego back in check. When I visit Mable for some reason God's voice always seems to get louder for me.

"I have a radio station in my head. KVOE, the voice of Ego: it runs 24/7 with a negative monologue. But I have the power to change the station to KVOG, the voice of God at any point I chose to."



By Jack K. (My Grand-Sponsor)

A Woman's Soul

"The history of every country is carved by the hand of a man, while the hope and love of humanity is born of a woman's soul."

By Author Unknown

Out In The Fields With God

The little care that fretted me,

I lost them yesterday,

Amoung the fields above the sea,

Among the winds at play,

Among the lowing of the herds,

The rustling of the trees,

Among the singing of the birds,

The humming of the bees.



The foolish fears of what might pass

I cast them all away

Among the clover-scented grass

Among the new-mown hay,

Among the rustling of the corn

Where drowsy poppies nod,

Where ill thoughts die and good are born -

Out in the fields with God!



Author Unknown

I am amazed at the way my cares float away when I am in communion with my Higher Power. When I trust in that power and try to do Thy will not mine, life is never more than I can handle. This last year, 2007, was one of tremendous growth for me......unfortunatley I seem to always learn things the hard way and therefore experience a lot of pain. Often the pain is of my very own making, mostly because I allow my ego to guide my way instead of following the will of a Power Greater than me. Always when the pain gets bad enough I remember what I'm supppose to do and turn those things over to that Power, fix the wrongs I can and am amazed at how things fall into place. My goal for this new apporaoching year is to work on letting go of that ego a little sooner so I don't have to suffer so much pain to get to the other side. I am grateful for all the blessings I have been given this past year, the lessons learned and the wonderful relationships my Higher Power has helped me to restore. I am especially grateful for my family, my sponsors, my sponsees, and the fellowship for giving me the strength and guidance to get through each day.

Legend of The Christmas Rose

On the cold December night, everybody was coming to see their new Savior and brought Him all kinds of gifts and presents. The three Wise Men came in with their valuable gifts of myrrh, frankincense and gold and offered them to Baby Jesus. At that point of time, a shepherd maiden who had come to see and visit the Christ Child also reached the door of the stable. However, she was very poor and had nothing to offer the child. She felt helpless and was quietly weeping outside the door. She had searched for flowers all over the countryside but there was not even a single bloom to be found in the bitter winters.An angel outside the door was watching over her and knew about her fruitless search. He took pity on her and when he saw her head drooped down in sorrow, gently brushed aside the snow at her feet, from where a beautiful cluster of waxen white winter roses sprang up with pink tipped petals. The, he softly whispered in the shepherdess's ears that these Christmas roses are more valuable than any myrrh, frankincense or gold for they are pure and made of love. The maiden was pleasantly surprised when she heard those words and joyfully, gathered the flowers and offered them to the Holy Infant, who smiled at her with gratitude and satisfaction.

The Christmas Tablecloth

The Tablecloth Christmas Story

The brand new pastor and his wife, were newly assigned to their first ministry. They were supposed to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn. They arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve.They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc., and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished. On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm hit the area and lasted for two days. On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high.The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do, postponed the Christmas Eve service and headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was justthe right size to cover up the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church. By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus... She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area.Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet.. "Pastor," she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?"The pastor explained. Then the woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria.The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten the Tablecloth. The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria. When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to prison and she never saw her husband or their home again.The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth, but she made the pastor keep it for the church. The pastor insisted on driving her home, that was the least he could do.. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day, doing a housecleaning job.What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the spirit were great. At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return.One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn't leaving.The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike.
He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in prison.. He never saw his wife or his home again in all these 35 years.The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw thegreatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine.

When I Dream of Christmas

When I Dream of Christmas

When I dream of Christmas,

I dream of wondrous things,

of mistletoe and holly,

and joy the season brings,

Of snowy fields,

and rosy cheeks,

sleds careening fast and sleek,

houses lighted, festive, gay,

preparing for that special day

When family gathers ‘round the tree,

anticipating what will bein Christmas boxes tied up tight,

colorful wrappings shining bright,

Sharing love and laughter there,

while grandpa snoozes in his chair,

dinner served with all the trimmings

as we await New Year’s beginnings

Children scurried off to bed,

on goose-down pillows rest their head,

saying prayers for blessings given,

thanking Him, our Lord in Heaven

Grandma reading ‘bout the One,

Jesus Christ, His only Son,

enduring pain and sins of man,

King of Kings, the great “I AM”

When I dream of Christmasand wondrous things…
by Tamara Hillman. Copyright 2004

Found this poem recently and liked it so I thought I would share it here. Hope you enjoy too.

The Christmas Tree

The tradition of having an evergreen tree become a symbol of Christmas goes back past recorded written history. The Druids in ancient England & Gual and the Romans in Europe both used evergreen branches to decorate their homes and public buildings to celebrate the Winter Solstice. Over the years, these traditions were adopted by Christians, who incorporated them as part of their Christmas holiday celebration. Trees used specifically to celebrate Christmas are mentioned in the early 1600's in Germany and surrounding countries. The families would set up these trees in a prominent location of their home and decorate them with colored paper, small toys, food, and sometimes candles. As these people moved or immigrated to other countries, they brought this tradition with them. Through the years many different things were used to decorate Christmas trees. As the world moved into the 1900's, many trees were decorated with strings of popcorn, homemade cards and pictures, cotton to look like snow, candy in all shapes and sizes, and occasionally, fancy store made glass balls and hand blown glass figurines. Candles were sometimes used, but often caused devastating fires, and many different types of candle holders were devised to try to prevent tree fires. Electric tree lights were first used just 3 years after Thomas Edison has his first mass public demonstration of electric lights back in 1879. The early Christmas tree lights were handmade and quite expensive.
Today, Christmas tree ornaments can be found in nearly every size, color, and shape imaginable, and they are used to decorate the millions of Christmas trees used throughout the world.

Tonight we trimmed the tree at our house. This is the first year our daughter is putting up her own tree, so our's is bare of all her ornaments. Much as I hate change, life happens. We are moving to a new phase of our lives. With my son being a senior in high school this year, this will be our last season with a kid in the house. The kids plan to rent a house together next year as it will be the only year they are in college together. Fortunately it is just across town so we still see them a lot. I'm looking forward to the next phase of life even though I'm sad too.

Pure Joy is Contagious

Last night I attended the County wide Christmas dance for adults with developmental disabilities. I'm absolutley exhausted today. I am also striving today to be more like those clients I serve everyday. I learned what true jod and hapiness looks like while at this event. I have learned so much from serving these folks....they have taught me about joy, hapiness, over coming adversity, positive outlooks, honesty, unconditional love to name just a few. I never sat last night, I just got passed from one person to the next, and the joy was contagious. I left the dance on a kind of high, a high that only true happiness brings. I am so grateful that God has guided me into this career path. Though there are struggles, stresses and heartache, though I don't make very much money, this is by far the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. I actually look forward to getting up and going to work.

I am also filled with gratitude and awe this morning thinking of my baby girl. She turns 21 today....hard for me to believe it has been that long that she has been here to bring us joy.

Step 11

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct out thinking, especially asking that it be diverced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried for a while. What used to be a hunch or occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumptions in all sorts of absurd actions and as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely on it.

We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pay for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why......

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

It works - it really does.

We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead.""

Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 86-88

I am at a point in my journey where I am facing a lot of uncertainty and a lot of decisions. That creates a sense of restlessness, irritability and discontentedness. I know what I need to do to alieveate those feelings. The name of the game for me is ACTION. I need to get back to the basics and take action....thinking it and knowing it will get me drunk....doing it can save my life. So for me that means that I'm attending as many meetings as I can fit into my schedule....and concentrating on step 11. Strength and guidance will get me through this time and inorder to use the strength and guidance that is sitting there waiting for me to use I have to do the foot work to go get it. Communication with my Higher Power is the answer. So I'm reading those pages that give me direction and strength (62, 83-88, 417-420, 512-521) and working hard at prayer and meditation. I am also making myself available to my sponsee more often and meeting with my sponsor more often. These are the basic tools I have learned inside the rooms and they always work if I take the action. Everything will work out and I will be okay. Early on it was difficult to understand that. I had to learn that I don't know what "okay" looks like and I don't know what "work out" looks like.....so i leave those things to my Higher Power and trust that even though I may not think so at the moment, the path he leads me on is the one I need to be on. Today I am grateful to be an alcoholic......because I have a program of action to guide me through my day.

Another great tool I learned early on was to write gratitude lists even when I didn't want to cause it would lead me to gratitude....and sure enough it does....so I'm back to writing those everyday and I have faith that those lists will turn into actions because I have also learned that gratitude is an "action" word.

So Today I'm grateful for:

• A kick ass Higher Power


• The rooms of AA


• My kids and husband


• My AA family


• My sponsor Delilah, My Sponsee Lisa, and My bestest friend and mentor Mable


• The unconditional love my dogs give to me


• Snow gently falling all around me


• "Enough" of all that I need


• The ability to walk (even if it is with great pain)


• A job that allows me to give back so much


• Babies!


• Another chance at life

Open Minds

I had a very disappointing day yesterday and was feeling pretty down. I got an e-mail from my dearest friend when i awoke this morning that really set the tone for the day today. Thought I would share it will you:

How willing are you to learn something new? How open are you to new perspectives?

Only when we’re open can we really hear what’s being said or really see what’s happening or really experience the moment.

Openness demands that we be willing to move to places we’ve never been before. It asks us to continually challenge the foundations of our belief systems so we can test out new ideas. And to do that, we need to accept insecurity.

'The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.'

by-- Alvin Toffler

You see I got some news yesterday that was not what I wanted to hear. When I read this e-mail it reminded me that I have not been very open. Not open to accept things for what they really are and therefore not open to trying new ways to solve the problem. My success is going to be measured by how open I can become to accept reality and how open I want to be in trying new and different ways to deal with that reality. It was a big reminder to back when I first got sober. I was so closed minded to the possibility of a Higher Power being able to help me accomplish that which I had been unable to accomplish on my own that I nearly allowed that closed mindedness to take my life. Once I allowed a small amount of openness in it caught hold and eventually the door way to a whole new spirituality and a whole new life was wide open. If I am to move forward from the place I am then I must again allow that door way to crack open ever so slighty, to unlearn what my mind says is the only way to solve this problem, and be open to learning a new way. Once again confirming that the key to happiness and succcess lies within me and the choices i make. I am so blessed to have this friend in my life as a reminder to always remain teachable.

Four Things

Four things a man must learn to do

If he would make his record true:

To think without confusion clearly;

To love his fellow men sincerely;

To act from honest motives purely;

To trust in God and heaven securely.

by Henry van Dyke

This poem is so simple. Yet simple is what keeps me going right now. The program teaches me to keep things simple too. For now I can only get through each day one at a time and do the next right thing. Trust God, clean house and stay close to my program, my goal for each day. I have no idea what the future holds and i have fears and doubts but I know that strength and trust in my Higher Power will get me through all this and in the end, whatever happens will be just the way it is suppose to be.