Where Did The Time Go?

My baby boy has his first day of college classes today. Seems like only yesterday I was rocking him to sleep. Time can seem so slow at times. but most of the time it flies by for me like the blink of an eye. All the more reason to make the most of each day, one day at a time.

3 Years

Today i celebrated three years of continuous sobriety. I have so much to be grateful for. I have been given a new life, beyond my wildest dreams. I would not be here today if it were not for a Higher Power, my home group (Moscow Friday Nite), two wonderful, supportive kids, my fellowship (especially my gang, my sponsor, and my close group of AA family). I owe all that I have to you all. I especially want to say thanks to Mable....you have helped me back up every step of the way and pointed out the path when I get lost. Love you the Mostest!

Seeing Old Friends is Great Medicine!

I have a friend who always introduces herself in meetings like this, "Hi family my name is....." I have often been drawn to that statement but today it really hit home for me. I went to a wedding reception for two folks from our fellowship who recently were married. It was a gather of lots of the folks who were there when I first walked through the doors of AA. I haven't seen some of them in quite some time. The notion of "family" really hit as we sat around and talked and caught up on what has been happening in our lives. It felt like a family reunion. I love my biological family dearly and am so grateful to AA for giving me the gift of restored relationships with my family, but today I realized I also gained a second "family" in this program. They are just as important to me and my life is so rich to be blessed with two awesome families. They continue to grow each day with new nieces and nephews and newcomers to the fellowship.....I am truly blessed. It was the perfect medicine for me to pull myself back into the sunlight of the spirit which has often eluded me in the last few days.

F.E.A.R. (Face Everything And Recover)

Today was a tough day for me. One filled with fear. At times I let that fear take hold and eat away at my faith. If I have learned anything in the last four years, it is that faith and fear cannot reside together, they are opposites. When one increases the other decreases and vice versa. I went back and read through the 16 different posts I have put here on fear. It seems that all the answers are written here on those pages, but remembering to use those tools when the fear becomes overwhelming is the key. I got a message from a friend today that has helped me fight through that fear. Amongst the words of encouragement she reminded me that nothing happens in God's world by mistake and that all I had to do to be successful was to attempt to do God's will for me and to be true to thine self. Followed by.....stick with what is true and it will all work out. So that is where I am tonight.....recording what is true. My head is working overtime spouting many things.....but when I put them on paper and look at them, very few of those things are the truth. If it is an untruth than it is not a cause for fear. When I can make my day simple, look at the truth, and listen for God's will for me, I have a fighting chance of finding some peace today and staying sober and serene. Sounds simple, but not always easy......but for this moment I can do it.

Mom's Weekend 2008

Spent a wonderful weekend with my daughter at Washington State University's Mom's Weekend 2008. Was really fun and we had some quality time together. The weekend was capped off by a wonderful Elton John concert. He played for 2 and 1/2 hours straight!

The Next Right Thing

Soooo much has happened since I last posted anything. I am all moved into mmy new place. My dogs have finally come to live with me after being away from them for several months. The divorce papers are signed. All that is left is the settlement and the 90 day waiting period.

Seems strange that life as I knew it can be reduced to practically nothing with a few papers and signatures. Anna was able to come for 10 days earlier this month and that was just what I needed. We did some rock hounding, some step work, and lots of meetings. It was good for me to have her here.

Now I am working on what is next in life. I am staying very busy in the program. I am now sponsoring 4 women which keeps me very busy and out of my head. My sponsor has also volunteered me for a District service postion, as well as, home group service position. With all that I don't really have too much time to get into trouble......but I still time to do it. I know that if I pour myself into the program right now it will save my ass.

So this is what I am doing.....and eventually I know that I will know a new freedom and a new happiness. The promises will and have been coming true and I am told by the Big Book and the fellowship that this will one day be an assest to me. So I get up, shower, suit up and show up. It really helps to stay in the moment so that is what I do. Eating lots of oranges these days.....(see the story of the orange linked in my blog).

Life

Well, tomorrow I move again. The place I have been staying was only a temporary arrangement until I could find something. I found the perfect little place for me. I can't wait until it's all unpacked and I can get my puppies and bring them to their new home. I have missed them very much these last three weeks. Things seem to be moving so fast that I can barely process them so I'm just hanging on for dear life. My soon to be Ex has already had divorce papers draw up and sent to me. He seems very eager to get this all over with. I'm barely coming to terms with the fact that it's happening and need to stop and breath just a bit, which is making him impatient, but he'll survive. It will be a very long busy week trying to get everything sort of unpacked. Then next weekend Mable is flying out for a visit and we are going to an AA conference for the weekend. I'm very much looking forward to that......need to re-energize. I know that staying close to my program is very important right now while I am on this emotional roller coaster. My Higher Power has a way of making sure I do that......I had another Gal ask me to sponsor her last night after the meeting. So I will be meeting with sponsees 3 days out of the week now and my sponsor on the fourth.....that doesn't leave me much time to get in trouble and I like that. Just what I needed to get me through all this stuff.

The Eagle Soars

Yesterday a Court of Honor was held for my son to receive his Eagle Scout Rank. It was the first time that his Father and I had been in close proximity since he asked me to leave our house, and the first time either of us spent any time with our families face to face since then. I spent a lot of energy, stressing out over this day, during the past week. It was also the first time with so many friends....many of whom did not even know yet that we are separated. I spent some time praying and meditating and eventually my Higher Power's answer came to me. Today was about my son and making his day special. So that meant I needed to put my feelings and uncomfortable aside for the day.....It was difficult but with my HP's strength I got through it. It showed on my son's face, as you could see the pride, that his Mother was able to not take things personal and to make the day special for him.

I survived the emotional roller coaster. I held my tongue when those digging little comments where made. I smiled and held my head up I. I did the next right thing. I feel so good about that now......and my son's day was special and his memories of that day will be good. My sponsor asked me a question once and that question rolled through my mind quiet often yesterday....."Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I chose being happy and the result was phenomenal. Today I am left with the knowledge that I made it through a very tough situation, I didn't have to drink. I didn't have to act out on crazy thoughts and emotions. It will only get easier from this point forward. I am blessed and grateful to have a Power greater than me working in my life and a simple program of action that guides me in appropriate actions and problem solving.

Steps 1,2 & 3

I have found that bottoms in sobriety suck. I am POWERLESS and the actions I have been taking lately So I am back to the beginning......I can't, He can, so I'll let him......sounds so simple. I spoke with my sponsor and really discovered what has been going on on my life lately. I then had to meet with a sponsee......I was pretty down and beating myself up at the beginning of the day. The sponsee and I reviewed steps 1,2,3 and took the third step together. It was so freeing for me to be able to give her a real life example of my powerlessness today, my addmission of defeat and then be able to get on our knees and turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Power Greater than ourselves. It was a good day today.

Power in the Higher Power

What a weekend.......pain is growth and there has been lots of growth this weekend. Where to begin......My sponsor says that relapse ends in the drink, but the behaviors that lead to that drink begin way before and that is so true. Thankfully, my Higher Power has spoken to me twice this weekend through others. Beginning last night my roommate posted o message on my myspace.........it read, "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die."The Big Book Page 14/15"Faith without works is dead!" This message arrived right when I was sitting in my room premeditating my next relapse......it was a message I definitly needed to see at that moment, for it was enough to wake me the hell up.....had to ask myself what in the hell I was doing. I spent the rest of the night beating myself up for being in that space.

My sponsor called this morning and after I was honest with her about where I was she reminded me that the Big Book tells us that if we fall short and we are sorry that we believe we will be forgiven and we move forward and learn from our decisions and actions. It does not say that we continue to beat ourselves up for the things we have already done, instead we move forward today and ask our Higher Power for the guidance and strength to make different choices and take different actions.

My sponsor reminded me that I am a child, a daughter of God and if I choose to act from the place of love in my heart, rather than the place of fear and anger in my head I can't go wrong. So i have spent the day today making a list of the actions I need to take, and taking some of those actions to move forward from today and work on being the woman I want to be, the woman my Higher Power intends for me to be. The Big book also reminds us that we will not regret the past, nor will we wish to shut the door on it. I have faith to know that that statement is true and someday I will understand the purpose behind the path I have walked.....and someday there will be an opportunity for me to give back to someone else those things which have been freely given me.

Bad Moments, Not Bad Days

Life has been a struggle of late. I have had many challenges this past few weeks. I went to my home group meeting last night and the topic and sharing was really a case of my Higher Power using others to speak to me. The reading was from the Big Book on the 10th step promises. That brought me clarity on my emotional state, well that along with some guidance from my sponsor. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster and I felt as if I was going insane. It was pointed out, just as the 10th step promises state, that my sanity has been restored and what is happening is normal......it is called feeling emotions. Wow.......so this is what emotions feel like? They are so unfamiliar to me that my instinct is to cover them up or find a way to numb them out. Later someone shared about how they never have bad days any longer thanks to the help of a Higher Power and working the 12 steps. When i heard them say that, I thought....."Yea Right" But then they further clrified......they have bad moments but never bad days.....Lightbulb. I reflected back and found that I had been dwelling on the bad moments and making them larger, but that there had been good moments too and if I dwelled on the good moments than just maybe I wouldn't be having bad days. Ultimately having a bad day is a choice because there are always good things that happen in a whole 24 hour period.......

Jesse's Day

Six years now since that day I learned of your ultimate sacrifice. My journey has been long and this last year the pain has come more often than the joy. I have fallen off the beam many times. My commitment to you has kept me sober, although I have not always been emotionally sober. This anniversary finds me with a renewed willingness to gain emotional sobriety and a sense of peace and serenity. They say that growth is painful, so I know that much growth is happening right now. Just a few weeks ago I traveled to Minnesota to visit with Mable and to attempt to regain my direction. It was an eventful week, although it is still difficult to take a thorough and honest inventory of one's life.



I had some clarity flow into me and today I feel as though I am back on the beam. I made a commitment to myself and my Higher Power while on that trip. Even though I have been home only a few short weeks I have begun the work necessary to achieve emotional sobriety. Today I re commitment myself to you. Thank you for the gift of life and the opportunity to fulfill God's purpose in my life. For you and for myself, I will continue the necessary work to grow spiritually and achieve emotional sobriety, as well as, being true to the physical sobriety I promised you two years ago.



I love you Little Man. Godspeed, Sweet Dreams

Mom