More About Alcoholism

The book Alcoholics Anonymous tells us in the chapter, "More About Alcoholism," that there will come a time when there is nothing between me and a drink but a power greater than me.

The book says, ".....They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow....."

A bit later it says this, "....The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (Big Book p42-43).

I have read this a million times, my sponsor has said it a million times, I've heard it in meetings, and yet I was shocked when it happened today. I was having a good day. Although I have said many times in the last week that I don't ever want to go through that stuff again, I was having no thoughts of using whatever. I excused myself to use the restroom.......as I locked the door behind me there was no thought whatever into what happened next. I came to a few moments later with four bottles of narcotics, stolen from a medicine cabinet, on the counter. I was in the process of deciding exactly how many I would skim off each bottle. At that very moment I heard a voice in my mind. The voice was very familiar as it was that of a friend with whom I had had a conversation about relapse with just hours before. The voice said, "think it through to the end, what are the consequences?" At that very moment I recognized that the voice I was hearing was that of my Higher Power and that the strength to get through this moment was being given to me. All I had to do was grab onto it. It really scared the shit out of me. I had put no more thought into what I was doing than one would by walking out to the mailbox and back. I had no mental defense what so ever. I chose to listen to that voice....I put those bottles away as fast as I could and got out of there. I was thanking God every step of the way. It was a powerful lesson for me about exactly how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease really is. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety I have been graced with today.