Showing posts with label Relapse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relapse. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Retreads & Slippers



Having suffered from alcoholism, I should understand the illness, but sometimes I feel annoyance, even contempt, toward a person who cannot make it in A.A. When I feel that way, I am satisfying my false sense of superiority and I must remember, but for the grace of God, there go I.
Hey all.......getting so many folks bugging me to post, here it is.......: I am coming up on my two year anniversary has made me reflect as I work on an inventory of my goals set for this year. One of the things that has really stuck with me this year is the fact that the only guarentee I have is right now today. I choose to stay sober right now and enjoy this moment in the fullest. By concentrating on this very principal I have had much success. There have been many struggles and challenges but I have stayed sober just for today.
I started a new Job in mid May and that has been a wonderful change for me. This job is a lot less stressful than my last job, more regular work hours and and NO MORE COMMUTING. Other than that have just been busy with summer.......ballgames, fishing, garden, kids etc. Hope all is well in your worlds and when I have a little more than five minutes I'll stop by and say "Hi."

Monday, February 12, 2007

More About Alcoholism


The book Alcoholics Anonymous tells us in the chapter, "More About Alcoholism," that there will come a time when there is nothing between me and a drink but a power greater than me.


The book says, ".....They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow....."


A bit later it says this, "....The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (Big Book p42-43).


I have read this a million times, my sponsor has said it a million times, I've heard it in meetings, and yet I was shocked when it happened today. I was having a good day. Although I have said many times in the last week that I don't ever want to go through that stuff again, I was having no thoughts of using whatever. I excused myself to use the restroom.......as I locked the door behind me there was no thought whatever into what happened next. I came to a few moments later with four bottles of narcotics, stolen from a medicine cabinet, on the counter. I was in the process of deciding exactly how many I would skim off each bottle. At that very moment I heard a voice in my mind. The voice was very familiar as it was that of a friend with whom I had had a conversation about relapse with just hours before. The voice said, "think it through to the end, what are the consequences?" At that very moment I recognized that the voice I was hearing was that of my Higher Power and that the strength to get through this moment was being given to me. All I had to do was grab onto it. It really scared the shit out of me. I had put no more thought into what I was doing than one would by walking out to the mailbox and back. I had no mental defense what so ever. I chose to listen to that voice....I put those bottles away as fast as I could and got out of there. I was thanking God every step of the way. It was a powerful lesson for me about exactly how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease really is. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety I have been graced with today.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

WE DRANK FOR


We drank for happiness and became unhappy.


We drank for joy and became miserable.


We drank to be outgoing and became self-centered.


We drank for sociability and became argumentative.


We drank for sophistication and became crude and obnoxious.


We drank for friendship and made enemies.


We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.


We drank for strength and felt weak.


We drank for sex drive and lost our potency.


We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.


We drank for confidence and became doubtful.


We drank for warmth and lost our cool.


We drank for coolness and lost our warmth.


We drank for freedom and became slaves.


We drank for power and were powerless.


We drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self-pity.


We drank medicinally and acquired health problems.


We drank because the job called for it and lost the job.


We drank to make conversation and slurred our words.


We drank to feel heavenly and knew hell.


We drank to forget and were haunted.


We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.


We drank to cope with life and invited death.

Author Unknown


Got this from my dear friend Ray. Thought I would pass it on to you folks. This poem really resembled me anyway.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Lessons




This morning I woke up with weight on my shoulders. As I did my inventory upon retiring last night, I had to admit to myself that I was approaching a line I could afford to, nor wanted to cross. Okay, what am I going to do about it? Decided on a plan, said a prayer about it and off to bed I went. This morning it was time to follow through with the plan. My ego was screaming crazy thoughts like, "who will know," "you are doing just fine," and many others along those lines. All I had to do was think those thoughts through to the end, despite the fact that my bestest friend told me this week that I'm to sick to think on my own and she would let me know when I could think. Each senario my ego suggested ended with a drink.

So I start on my plan. First on my agenda is my husband. He really does not understand my addicition but he is learning just as I am. All goes well, he asks a few questions, agrees with my plan and heads off to work.

Following that I speak with my bestest friend. The conversation is intense and I'm nervous, but above all I am determined to be rigorously honest. I admit what is going on and she gives me her opinion and agrees with the plan. Following that she points me to the Big Book. I have read the page she suggest probably a million times but today is different, I read a page that becomes a gift.....

Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and we will have learned our lesson.....
P. 70 BB Alcoholics Anonymous

I was overwhelmed with emotion. So I have fallen short. But my motive was good, I have just taken some bad advice and have gone slightly off the path. This reading tells me that if my motives are good, if I'm sorry, and I have a desire to give this to my Higher Power, and if I believe in forgiveness, then the lesson is learned.

I feel as though the weight has been lifted. We discussed the lessons we learn in our recovery and the fact that often times we learn best when the lesson comes from a shortcoming. My friends then says, "Some lessons come and go as gently as a breeze, and others are like an elephant poop." This one was definitly an elephant poop, but the lesson is learned, I am taking the actions necessary to correct things, and I believe in a very forgiving and understanding Higher Power. Today is turning into one of the best days I have had on this journey, this trudge on a road toward Happy Destiny.

Monday, September 18, 2006

5 Steps to Staying Sober


The sunday night meeting was great. A guy there talked about how he had gone to an alcohol education class sponsored by his work that was for people who had gotten into trouble at work because of drinking. During this class they introduced folks to Alcoholics Anonymous and shared with them information about the disease of alcoholism. They gave them a 5 step list to staying sober. His share was about that list and how he came to understand what each step meant and began his journey to sobriety. I thought I would share the list because it was a good reminder to me about how to stay sober. It went like this:

1. Don't Drink
2. Go to meetings
3. Get a sponsor
4. Read the book
5. Stick with the stickers

I have heard all of these before at some point with the exception of the last which I always heard as "stick with the winners". It is a great list and if I am doing those five things than I stand a damm good chance of being sober today. Hope this Monday finds you all in peace and serene.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Relapse

Doctor Calls "Slip" More Normal Than Alcoholic

Volume 10 Issue 8January 1954

The problem of "staying stopped" has been with AAs since the early days, when each brother who fell forever by the wayside or returned, briefly and disastrously, to drinking raised a terrible question mark for the small band who still were not sure that "it works." The passing of time revealed that a certain percentage of relapses (and even fatalities) among arrested alcoholics is as normal as in the course of other diseases. An article in an early Grapevine by Dr. William Duncan Silkworth, AA's beloved "little doctor who loved drunks," helped ease anxiety about slips and greatly forwarded AAs' understanding of how to cope with them, both in themselves and others. The article is reprinted in response to numerous requests.

THE mystery of slips is not so deep as may appear. While it does seem odd that an alcoholic who has restored himself to a dignified place among his fellow-men, and continued dry for years, should suddenly throw all his happiness overboard and find himself again in mortal peril of drowning in liquor--often the reason is very simple.

People are inclined to say: "There is something peculiar about alcoholics. They may seem to be well, yet at any moment they may turn back to their old ways. You can never be sure!"

This is largely twaddle. The alcoholic is a sick person. Under the techniques of Alcoholics Anonymous he gets well; that is to say, his disease is arrested. There is nothing unpredictable about him any more than there is anything weird about a person who has arrested diabetes.
Let's get it clear, once and for all, that alcoholics are human beings just like other human beings--then we can safeguard ourselves intelligently against most of the slips.

Both in professional and lay circles, there is a tendency to label everything that an alcoholic may do as "alcoholic behavior." The truth is, it is simply human nature!

It is very wrong to consider many of the personality traits observed in liquor addicts as peculiar to the alcoholic. Emotional and mental quirks are classified as symptoms of alcoholism merely because alcoholics have them--yet those same quirks can be found among non-alcoholics, too. Actually they are symptoms of mankind!

Of course, the alcoholic himself tends to think of himself as different, someone special, with unique tendencies and reactions. Many psychiatrists, doctors and therapists carry the same idea to extremes in their analyses and treatment of alcoholics. Sometimes they make a complicated mystery of a condition which is found in all human beings, whether they drink whiskey or buttermilk.

To be sure, alcoholism like every other disease does manifest itself in some unique ways. It does have a number of baffling peculiarities which differ from all other diseases. At the same time, many of the symptoms and much of the behavior of alcoholism are closely paralleled and even duplicated in other diseases.

The alcoholic "slip," as it is known in Alcoholics Anonymous, furnishes a perfect example of how human nature can be mistaken for alcoholic behavior.

The "slip" is a relapse! It is a relapse that occurs after the alcoholic has stopped drinking and started on the AA program of recovery. "Slips" usually occur in the early stages of the alcoholic's AA indoctrination, before he has had time to learn enough of the AA technique and AA philosophy to give him solid footing. But "slips" may also occur after an alcoholic has been a member of AA for many months, or even several years, and it is in this kind, above all, that one finds a marked similarity between the alcoholic's behavior and "normal" victims of other diseases.
No one is startled by the fact that relapses are not uncommon among arrested tubercular patients. But here is a startling fact--the cause is often the same as the cause which leads to "slips" for the alcoholic. It happens this way:

When a tubercular patient recovers sufficiently to be released from the sanitarium, the doctor gives him careful directions for the way he is to live when he gets home. He must be in bed every night by, say, eight o'clock. He must drink plenty of milk. He must refrain from smoking. He must obey other stringent rules.

For the first several months, perhaps for several years, the patient follows directions. But as his strength increases and he feels fully recovered, he becomes slack. There may come the night when he decides he can stay up until ten o'clock. When he does this, nothing untoward happens. The next day he still feels good. He does it again. Soon he is disregarding the directions given him when he left the sanitarium. Eventually, he has a relapse!

The same tragedy can be found in cardiac cases. After the heart attack, the patient is put on a strict rest schedule. Frightened, he naturally follows directions obediently for a long time. He, too, goes to bed early, avoids exercise such as walking up stairs, quits smoking and leads a Spartan life. Eventually, though, there comes a day after he has been feeling good for months, or several years, when he feels he has regained his strength and has also recovered from his fright. If the elevator is out of repair one day, he walks up the three flights of stairs. Or, he decides to go to a party--or do just a little smoking--or take a cocktail or two. If no serious after-effects follow the first departure from the rigorous schedule prescribed he may try it again, until he suffers a relapse.

In both cardiac and tubercular cases, the acts which led to the relapses were preceded by wrong thinking. The patient in each case rationalized himself out of a sense of his own perilous reality. He deliberately turned away from this knowledge of the fact that he had been the victim of a serious disease. He grew over-confident. He decided he didn't have to follow directions.

Now that is precisely what happens with the alcoholic--the arrested alcoholic, or the alcoholic in AA--who has a "slip." Obviously he decides again to take a drink sometime before he actually takes it. He starts thinking wrong before he actually embarks on the course that leads to a "slip."

There is no more reason to charge the "slip" to alcoholic behavior than there is to lay a tubercular relapse to tubercular behavior or a second heart attack to cardiac behavior.

The alcoholic "slip" is not a symptom of a psychotic condition. There's nothing "screwy" about it at all. The patient simply didn't follow directions.

For the alcoholic, AA offers the directions. A vital factor, or ingredient, of the preventative, especially for the alcoholic, is sustained emotion. The alcoholic who learns some of the technique or the mechanics of AA but misses the philosophy or the spirit may get tired of following directions--not because he is alcoholic but because he is human. Rules and regulations irk almost anyone, because they are restraining, prohibitive, negative. The philosophy of AA, however, is positive and provides ample sustained emotion--a sustained desire to follow directions voluntarily.
In any event, the psychology of the alcoholic is not as different as some people try to make it. The disease has certain physical differences, yes, and the alcoholic has problems peculiar to him, perhaps, in that he has been put on the defensive and consequently has developed nervous frustrations. But, in many instances, there is no more reason to be talking about "the alcoholic mind" than there is to try to describe something called "the cardiac mind" or "the t.b. mind."

I think we'll help the alcoholic more if we can first recognize that he is primarily a human being--afflicted with human nature!

William D. Silkworth, M. D.

Thanks Mable for the reminder about how patient and powerful this disease is. I needed to hear just this thing today. This, along with a little help from a few other folks has helped me to see where I am not being vigilant about my program and allowing the disease to gain a little more foothold on me. I am so blessed to have people in my life and a Higher Power working through those folks to help me fight this disease. Thanks for helping keep me sober for another 24. I love ya.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Still Sick

Just a fun reminder of what is really at stake. We are not a glum lot but just underneath is a deadly earnestness....(paraphrased from the Big Book)

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has completed their aftercare. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not learn our numerous slogans, and go to 90 meetings in 90 days. They are usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of forming meaningful relationships in treatment centers. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; their therapist told them so. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a relationship with a vulnerable newcomer. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to form meaningful relationships.

Our stories disclose in a general way: how we were harmed, what happened to those who harmed us, and how we got even in the end. If you have decided you want what we have, you obviously haven't been paying attention to our stories. If you're still determined to get what we have and are willing to exert minimal effort to get it--then you are ready for a temporary sponsor. At their first suggestion we balked. We were sure that our sponsors didn't understand. We were determined to find a sponsor who would see things our way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to take it easy on these old fools. Some of us have tried to re-educateour sponsors but the result was nil until we let go of them absolutely.

Remember that we are dealing with your ego - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without constant praise and reassurance it is too much for us. But there is one, and possibly more, who has all power, that one is a significant other. May you find them now!

Half measures availed us nothing. It was time to move in together. Having abandoned common sense completely, we asked his or her protection and care with great expectations.

Here are the steps we took, which interpreted properly, offer a spiritual path to staying sober and having your own way in a meaningful relationship:

1. Don't drink or get loaded. Try to ignore the fact that you've never actually been able to do this.

2. Came to believe that the right relationship could restore us to sanity.

3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our significant other, assuming they had what we needed.

4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our significant other.

5 Complained to God, to ourselves, and to our temporary sponsors about the exact nature of their wrongs.

6 Were entirely ready to have God remove these defective characters.

7 Humbly demanded that He find us the right significant other.

8 Made a list of everyone we found attractive and became willing to have significant relationships with them all.

9. Made direct amends to people we believed might still be willing to help us restore our net worth, except when their significant other was attractive to us.

10. Continued to find fault with others and when they were wrong promptly pointed it out.

11. Sought through prayer and manipulation to improve the behavior of our significant other, praying for knowledge of all their hot buttons and just the right time to push them.

12. Having gotten our own way as the result of these steps, we tried to convince our significant other that this was really for their own good, andthat their future happiness lay in doing my will.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! They won't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to do this with just one partner. Fortunately the treatment centers, meetings, and social activities are full of prospects who are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to keep replacing partners until we find one or more who will do it our way. The principles we have set down have proven themselves in coffee shops, clubhouses, and meetings across the land. We claim personal development and pick-up lines rather than personal perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the wives, and our personal difficulties before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and it wasn't our fault.

(b) That our current therapist and significant other could not relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That the right partner could and would if they were sought.

Friday, August 18, 2006

How to Maintain Insanity


20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

6. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity............Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Friday and I had a long, busy week so I thought I would share a laugh for the start of the weekend. I got this in an e-mail from Mable and it was too good not to post. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Twelve Steps of Relapse



Twelve Steps of a Relapse

1. I decided I could handle any emotional problems if other people would just quit trying to run my life.

2. I firmly believe that there is no greater power than myself and anyone who says differently is insane.

3. I made a decision to remove my will and my life from God, who didn't understand me anyway.

4. I made a searching and thorough moral inventory of everyone I know, so they couldn't fool me and take advantage of my good nature.

5. I sought these people out and tried to get them to admit to me, by God, the exact nature of their wrongs.

6. I became willing to help these people get rid of their defects of character.

7. I was humble enough to ask these people to remove their shortcomings.

8. I kept a list of all the people who had harmed me, and waited patiently for a chance to get even.

9. I got even with these people whenever possible except when to do so would get me into trouble.

10. I continue to take everyone's inventory and when they are wrong, which is most of the time, I promptly make them admit it.

11. Sought through the concentration of my willpower to get God, who didn't understand me anyhow, to see that my desires were best, and He ought to give me the power to carry them out.

12. Having maintained my emotional problems with these steps, I can thoroughly recommend them to others who don't want to lose their hard-earned status, but wish to be left alone to practice neurosis in everything they do for the rest of their days.

Had one of those God moments at my Friday night meeting. It was a great reminder to me about how cunning, baffling and powerful alcohol is. So I thought it was a good time to remind myself about relapse. Miss you all, will be back more regular once I finish my State Licensing Exam on the 31st. Send your good thoughts my way I could use as many as possible! Thanks.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Cunning, Baffling and Powerful



March 6, 2006, a day which will live in emphamy. At least in my mind anyway. The day started on the wrong foot to begin with. I had a long emotionally exhausting weekend. I had to look at some truths about myself that I didn't like. I hurt some people who are very dear to me. I got very little sleep which didn't help get the day started. I discovered when I got out of the shower that I had missed my denstist appointment, which I totally spaced off because I didn't end the day yesterday like I should have. I got to work and things got even worse. Every single one of my clients was in the middle of some sort of crisis, setback or problem I had to help solve. On top of that the dreaded e-mail arrived today. Not that I had much doubt, but it was confirmed that I had failed my liscensing exam for the third time. By the end of the day I was fairly certain that I would not have a job soon because it is dependent on passing the exam. I was fairly certain I didn't want to be doing this job anyway because it was obvious I was doing any good anyway. This fact was proven me by the clients whom I was certain had failed due to some neglegence on my part. Needless to say, I had a huge case of the "fuck it's" by the end of the day.

At that moment a co-worker, who was struggling and looking for answers, appeared in my office. I totally forgot that last week when life was better I had promised to take her to a meeting tonight. So I said, okay I'll go, must be a God thing. I spent the beginning portion of the meeting going over all the bad things that were happening to me rather than listening to the readings. When the floor was finally open the first share stopped me in my tracks.

The Matriarch had fallen.........

Now the phone call I got last night was making sense. I was so center on myself that I didn't recognize what was happening last night. The matriarch of our group, the sweet lady with 20 years that I could never even imagine drank, was asking all those questions of me for herself not some young sponsee as I had assumed. You see my relapse last summer came in the form of morphine. So all the general questions she was asking me about my relapse were because she had come to the realization that she was in the throws of her diesease. She was powerless over pain medication and her life had become unmanageable.

She, even in a very dark rock bottom place, modeled for me courage and willingness. She came back today and admitted to us all that she had become cavalier in working her program. All the while the disease had been just outside her door, doing push ups, just waiting for the smallest opportunity to kick her ass. A shoulder injury that made it easy to overlook all the warnings and take that one pill that set off a wicked spiral back to the bottom.

Back to me.......I forgot to even share that I failed my exam and that an hour ago I was certain my life was over. I was filled with the greatest of reality and gratitude. In that moment I understood that today I'm a winner because I'm sober. Today everything will be okay because I am not alone, I have a Higher Power whom is working behind the scenes to carry me through days like today, if only I'm willing to accept the help. I also have a family at home that is supporting me and will be there for me not matter what job I have. I have a fellowship, really a larger family, that is willing to take every step on the path with me, if only I'm willing to accept.

The bottom line is this. It matters not how many times I stumble or fall or how many obstacles are in my way. All that matters is that I reach for the hand that is being extended and get up and try again. It matters only that I reach my hand out when the fellow trudging beside me stumbles and falls. Because if I do not rely on my Higher Power and my fellowship, stay sober and take care of myself today, than tomorrow really doesn't matter. If I don't get back up, if I instead pick up and use, than I lose it all anyway. This tells me that it isn't mine to have. If I do my part than a power greater than myself will make sure that my needs are taken care of.

Someone at the meeting said something that really hit home. "I had tons of years and not enough days and that is why I relapsed." That is the truth. Each of us only has today. I have a choice to live today with all the ups and downs it brings me, or I can worry about tomorrow and lose all my todays.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Warning Signs of Relapse



16 Warning Signs for Relapse:

1. Exhaustion

2. Dishonesty

3. Impatience

4. Argumentiveness

5. Depression

6. Frustration

7. Self-Pity

8. Cockiness

9. Complacency

10. Expectations of others

11. Letting up on disciplines

12. Use of mood altering chemicals

13. Unrealistic goals

14. Forgetting gratitude

15. It cannot happen to me: results in carelessness

16. Omnipotence: Results in self-neglect and rejection of advice from others