Co-Dependency and Beyond

Our boundaries and selves develope and emerge as we grow in self-confidence, interact with healthy people, and gain clearer ideas about what's appropiate and what isn't. The more we grow in recovery, the better we'll become at setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we're with. Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve. Boundaries emerge from the belief that what we want and need, like and dislike, is important. Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the right we have to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves.

Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves. the goal of having and setting boundaries isn't to build thick walls around ourselves. the purpose is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing ourselves, smothering them, trepassing, or being invaded. Boundaries are the key to loving relationships.

When we have a sense of self, we'll be able to experience closeness and intimacy. We'll be able to play, be creative, and be spontaneous. We'll be be able to love and be loved.

author Unknown...source AA Downunder

This was the topic from a meeting which I attended this past weekend and I really like it so i thought I would share. It is a really good description about the importance of forming healthy boundaries in our recovery. If fact we can't really have an quality of recovery without developing good, healthy boundaries. All of our relationships depend on god boundaries, just as the reading says. This is something I have been working hard on in the last six months ans it feels really good to take care of myself and to value myself enough to have good boundaries.

Boundaries

I stayed too long in a relationship where I did not feel nutured, comforted, or supported. It had reinforced the pattern of feeling worthless and helpless. Somehow, I allowed myself to believe that I was a vicitm. I had told myself that I was powerless to stop people who were overstepping their boundaries in my life..

Taken from "Yesterday, I Cried" by Iyanla Vanzant

This was so true for me. Today I am learning the necessary tools to set healthy boundaries and and enforce them. This is not an easy thing for someone who has lived with confused boundaries for most of their lives. It is freeing to take these actions, but is difficult too. I'm sure I'm making lots of mistakes along the way, but the point is I'm taking action and that feels good. With the help of my Higher Power and the women in my fellowship I am learning to take actions that will lead to healing. It was a tough day today, but I know that I will have many more good days along the way by taking care of the things I need to today.

Property

Today's thought is:

Property Lines

A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.

If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.

If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.

People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.

People's hope and dreams are their property. Their guilt belong to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.

If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Their choices are their property, not ours. What people choose to say and do is their business.

What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.

In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.

Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

A friend sent this to me and it was perfect for me. I need to really look at a certain relationship in my life. The property lines have become very blurred. I am owning things that don't belong to me, as the other party involved is doing the same thing. I have allowed myself to be controlled, manipulated, deceived and mistreated. Rather than learning an appropriate sense of ownership and not taking that which doesn't belong to me, I have done the very same things in return to make myself feel better. It is time to be responsible and give back that which is not mine, as well as, make sure my behaviors are in line with God's will for me.

PS Happy Birthday Mable!