Balance

I got this from Mable and thought I would share it with you all.

"Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few;
that we have been indifferent to the many
so long as none of them gave us trouble;
and as for the remainder -- well, we have really
disliked or hated them.

Although these attitudes are common enough,
we AA's find we need something much better
in order to keep our balance.
We can't stand it if we hate deeply.
The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few,
and can continue to fear or hate anybody,
has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time."
c. 1952AAWS, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pp. 92-3

Now comes the hard part. Being honest about where I am. I had to admit out loud today that I am in relapse. Yah, I haven't picked up a drink or a drug yet, but I might as well have with where my head, my Ego is at. I have know this fact for a while now and have cycled back and forth between denial and acceptance, but have not taken all necessary actions to get myself out of this. Yesterday a very dear friend sat me down and was honest with me. My gut was telling me one thing and my head another. I was praying to God and feeling like I was getting no answer. I listened to my head, I forgot that my best thinking got me a seat in AA, and I made yet another poor choice. It was pointed out to me that the gut feeling, was in fact my Higher Power and I didn't listen. Had I have done that and taken action based on that answer the outcome would have been ver different. The blessing of this program is that I have choices today. I can start over and make this all right and make the choices to get back to where I need to be. I have caused some serious harm to myself and to others, but it doesn't have to be the thing that I chose to drink over unless I want to. So today I made some choices and took some actions that will restore me physically, mentally and spiritually. This will take some time but I can get through this if I place my hope and my life in the care of my Higher Power.

Which brings me to the reading I shared here about balance: I have been blessed beyond mywildest dreams. I have people in this fellowship who are willing to place our very frienship on the line for me and the only thing I can do, the right choice is to acccept that gift, be as honest as I can, and move forward from here. It is what I would want them to do and it is what my Higher Power would want for me. I have been blessed to be loved by one of the most wonderful men in the world. I have done more to destroy that relationship than you can imagine and he is still here. In my lifetime I doubt I can hardly repay all that he has done for me and all that he is to me. Just for Today I can begin a journey that is inclusive instead of exclusive as I have been doing. He was there through all the crap and I have not included him in the struggle, the journey, the peace and the serenity. Twenty-Years ago....Aug. 3, 1985 we made a commitment to honor and to serve, through struggles and joys, health and illness, a journey of growth and love, despite troubles and obstacles. He has lived up to that commitment everyday of his life and I have taken that commitment for granted nearly everyday of my life. With the help and gudiance of my Higher Power I went to him and told him this and made a commitment to live up to this as best as I could for today. My words can hardly mean anything anymore, but my actions speak volumnes. The greatest action I can and did give today is that of honesty.

So long as I follow this path I have nothing to fear. I need to stay in my gut where God speaks to me and to stay out of my head where my Ego struggles to regain control. Most of all I must remain Honest, Open Minded and Willing because this disease is the greatest advesary I have ever faced. It is patient above all and will always be waiting for an opportunity to gain ground.