Coming Home

Vacation has come to an end. As promised I have a picture of our meeting. I am blessed to have been given the opportunirty to get to know fellow bloggers. You have become an extension of my family and I grateful to have your support. Meeting Anna was the most incerdible experience. She has become for me my best friend, a sister in every sense of the word. Now I have Meg to add to my list of those special people I have been fortunate enough to meet.

I returned home yesterday and went back to work today. This vacation was a time for me to take a serious look in the mirror. To be honest I didn't like what I saw. I first entered the rooms of AA 825 days ago. I have accomplished some amazing things with the help of my Higher Power. However, there are so many areas of my life where I have thus far refused my Higher Power's gift and have continued to act in a way that continues to be hurtful to others and to undermine the very thing I long for, sobriety. I have put out plenty of lip service, but the actions just haven't followed. I read an excerp from a book while I was on the plane that really helped me to see this pattern.

It was about fear which is something that I have struggled with. It's time to put action into my program. The book gave me the best example of how to do that, "It is a spiritual way of life based on a power other than our own, on faith in a power greater than ourselves to overcome fear and other defects of our alcoholic personalities." It continues further down the page saying, "Fear is nothing more or less than a distorted faith in the negative things of life and the evils that might beset us." (Taken from "The Little Red Book For Women")

This has been a major stumbling stone. I can have faith when the little things come along. It is the difficult times when I have allowed fear to be greater than faith. I all too often focus on the negative aspect of every situation which just lays the ground work for fear and failure. By facing fear and focusing on the positive aspects of a situation I will have a much better chance of allowing my faith to be greater than my fear.

I am doing that very thing here. Writing about something that I'm not proud of in a public way like this is a very frightening thing. I am deciding to focus on all the positive things I have gained from this forum and let my faith be stronger than my fear. I hope that it will serve as a beinning to a new way of thinking and acting. I am praying for courage.......I want to change the things I can so that I might come to that place where recovery is fun, free, and peaceful.