Cunning, Baffling and Powerful

March 6, 2006, a day which will live in emphamy. At least in my mind anyway. The day started on the wrong foot to begin with. I had a long emotionally exhausting weekend. I had to look at some truths about myself that I didn't like. I hurt some people who are very dear to me. I got very little sleep which didn't help get the day started. I discovered when I got out of the shower that I had missed my denstist appointment, which I totally spaced off because I didn't end the day yesterday like I should have. I got to work and things got even worse. Every single one of my clients was in the middle of some sort of crisis, setback or problem I had to help solve. On top of that the dreaded e-mail arrived today. Not that I had much doubt, but it was confirmed that I had failed my liscensing exam for the third time. By the end of the day I was fairly certain that I would not have a job soon because it is dependent on passing the exam. I was fairly certain I didn't want to be doing this job anyway because it was obvious I was doing any good anyway. This fact was proven me by the clients whom I was certain had failed due to some neglegence on my part. Needless to say, I had a huge case of the "fuck it's" by the end of the day.

At that moment a co-worker, who was struggling and looking for answers, appeared in my office. I totally forgot that last week when life was better I had promised to take her to a meeting tonight. So I said, okay I'll go, must be a God thing. I spent the beginning portion of the meeting going over all the bad things that were happening to me rather than listening to the readings. When the floor was finally open the first share stopped me in my tracks.

The Matriarch had fallen.........

Now the phone call I got last night was making sense. I was so center on myself that I didn't recognize what was happening last night. The matriarch of our group, the sweet lady with 20 years that I could never even imagine drank, was asking all those questions of me for herself not some young sponsee as I had assumed. You see my relapse last summer came in the form of morphine. So all the general questions she was asking me about my relapse were because she had come to the realization that she was in the throws of her diesease. She was powerless over pain medication and her life had become unmanageable.

She, even in a very dark rock bottom place, modeled for me courage and willingness. She came back today and admitted to us all that she had become cavalier in working her program. All the while the disease had been just outside her door, doing push ups, just waiting for the smallest opportunity to kick her ass. A shoulder injury that made it easy to overlook all the warnings and take that one pill that set off a wicked spiral back to the bottom.

Back to me.......I forgot to even share that I failed my exam and that an hour ago I was certain my life was over. I was filled with the greatest of reality and gratitude. In that moment I understood that today I'm a winner because I'm sober. Today everything will be okay because I am not alone, I have a Higher Power whom is working behind the scenes to carry me through days like today, if only I'm willing to accept the help. I also have a family at home that is supporting me and will be there for me not matter what job I have. I have a fellowship, really a larger family, that is willing to take every step on the path with me, if only I'm willing to accept.

The bottom line is this. It matters not how many times I stumble or fall or how many obstacles are in my way. All that matters is that I reach for the hand that is being extended and get up and try again. It matters only that I reach my hand out when the fellow trudging beside me stumbles and falls. Because if I do not rely on my Higher Power and my fellowship, stay sober and take care of myself today, than tomorrow really doesn't matter. If I don't get back up, if I instead pick up and use, than I lose it all anyway. This tells me that it isn't mine to have. If I do my part than a power greater than myself will make sure that my needs are taken care of.

Someone at the meeting said something that really hit home. "I had tons of years and not enough days and that is why I relapsed." That is the truth. Each of us only has today. I have a choice to live today with all the ups and downs it brings me, or I can worry about tomorrow and lose all my todays.