Thoughts on Surrender

Today a dear friend asked me if I have truly surrendered to the AA way. Was I really done searching for other ways to fix my problems? I had to ponder that question. It was pointed out that many of the things coming out of my mouth where the result of delusional thinking. What did that mean? I spent many hours reflecting and reading on the subject. The function of surrender in AA is now clear. Life brings me to that place where I can say "I quit. I give up on my headstrong ways. I've learned my lesson." It brings a freedom when I can say "Thy will, not mine, be done."

It occured to me that I have been fighting to hold onto a life of failure. Why have I chosen to be in misery when I can see that there is a life of joy and freedom so long as I surrender? I could come up with not a single answer for that question, other than by holding on to the hurt I could allow myself to stay in that place of self-loathing. I have been given a gift, an opportunity to let go of the pain and to see the beauty that God created in me. I found a pray which I will say tonight and every night until I believe with all that is in me that I am worthy.

"O Lord, do not turn me away, lowly as I am, ashamed! Send upon me the grace of the Holy Spirit : make me worthy to stand before your holy altar!"--- Gregory of Nazianzos

It has been brought to my attention that although the journey began when I first walked into the rooms, the real recovery will begin when I make the decision to "let go" of living my life my way, and turn it over to a power greater than myself. I am ready to do that. My way isn't working and it's time to move forward. It's time to let go of the past and begin the healing process. I was reminded tonight that I've been going about this all wrong, as my intention was to close the door on the past and to never speak of it agian. The Big Book tells me that I will not regret the past nor will I wish to shut the door on it. I pray for the willingness to be in that place where I can see the past as my greatest asset.

I found several quotes that I think really brought the message home for me. I do believe I understand what surrender really means now. I pray for the willingness to surrender for today my will, that Thy will be done. I am putting the shovel down......I'm done digging.....

Surrender
What I had to do was stand on the edge of the unknown,
have faith in the Steps and my teachers in the meetings,
and let go -- step with both feet
into this terrifying new realm of surrender,
and trust that a power greater than myself,
which I was only coming to understand,
would carry me.
If I held back,
trying to keep one foot in the old realm,
I'd fall out of the program.
I had to abandon myself absolutelyto the principles of the new dimension.
c. The AA Grapevine, Inc., March 2005, p. 11

"At one time, the admission thatI was and am an alcoholic meant shame, defeat and failure to me. But in the light of the new understanding that I have found in AA, I am able to interpret that defeat, and that failure, and that shame, as seeds of victory. Because it was only through feeling defeat and feeling failure, the inability to cope with my life and with alcohol, that I was able to surrender and accept the fact that I had this disease, and that I had to learn to live again without alcohol."
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 335.

We Surrender To Win.
On the face of it, surrendering does not seem like winning. But it is in AA. Only after we have come to the end of our rope, hit a stone wall in some aspect of our lives beyond which we can go no further; only when we hit “bottom” in despair and surrender, can we accomplish sobriety, which we could never accomplish before.
We must, and we do, surrender to win.

c. 2003 AAWS, Experience, Strength and Hope, pp. 155-6With permission, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Thank you so very much to my dear friend for loving me enough to be honest with me and help me to see where I really am. Thank you for standing beside me and holding my hand while I jump off the edge of the unknown. You have been a source of experience, strength and hope beyond all measure. The power that I am learning to rely on brought your path across mine for a reason. I now understand that silly saying I've heard in the meetings hundreds of times. "When the student is ready the teacher will appear." Thanks for always asking me the hard questions and bringing me to the edge of the unknown. Your example has show me that it will be okay to jump over the edge......everything will be alright.

I am ready to close my eyes and take that step. I love you with all of my being. I am ready to learn to love myself the same way.