What is your Deepest Fear?

Where Did The Time Go?

2008-08-25T06:22:00.000-07:00

My baby boy has his first day of college classes today. Seems like only yesterday I was rocking him to sleep. Time can seem so slow at times. but most of the time it flies by for me like the blink of an eye. All the more reason to make the most of each day, one day at a time.

3 Years

2008-07-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

Today i celebrated three years of continuous sobriety. I have so much to be grateful for. I have been given a new life, beyond my wildest dreams. I would not be here today if it were not for a Higher Power, my home group (Moscow Friday Nite), two wonderful, supportive kids, my fellowship (especially my gang, my sponsor, and my close group of AA family). I owe all that I have to you all. I especially want to say thanks to Mable....you have helped me back up every step of the way and pointed out the path when I get lost. Love you the Mostest!

Seeing Old Friends is Great Medicine!

2008-05-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who always introduces herself in meetings like this, "Hi family my name is....." I have often been drawn to that statement but today it really hit home for me. I went to a wedding reception for two folks from our fellowship who recently were married. It was a gather of lots of the folks who were there when I first walked through the doors of AA. I haven't seen some of them in quite some time. The notion of "family" really hit as we sat around and talked and caught up on what has been happening in our lives. It felt like a family reunion. I love my biological family dearly and am so grateful to AA for giving me the gift of restored relationships with my family, but today I realized I also gained a second "family" in this program. They are just as important to me and my life is so rich to be blessed with two awesome families. They continue to grow each day with new nieces and nephews and newcomers to the fellowship.....I am truly blessed. It was the perfect medicine for me to pull myself back into the sunlight of the spirit which has often eluded me in the last few days.

F.E.A.R. (Face Everything And Recover)

2008-05-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

Today was a tough day for me. One filled with fear. At times I let that fear take hold and eat away at my faith. If I have learned anything in the last four years, it is that faith and fear cannot reside together, they are opposites. When one increases the other decreases and vice versa. I went back and read through the 16 different posts I have put here on fear. It seems that all the answers are written here on those pages, but remembering to use those tools when the fear becomes overwhelming is the key. I got a message from a friend today that has helped me fight through that fear. Amongst the words of encouragement she reminded me that nothing happens in God's world by mistake and that all I had to do to be successful was to attempt to do God's will for me and to be true to thine self. Followed by.....stick with what is true and it will all work out. So that is where I am tonight.....recording what is true. My head is working overtime spouting many things.....but when I put them on paper and look at them, very few of those things are the truth. If it is an untruth than it is not a cause for fear. When I can make my day simple, look at the truth, and listen for God's will for me, I have a fighting chance of finding some peace today and staying sober and serene. Sounds simple, but not always easy......but for this moment I can do it.

Mom's Weekend 2008

2008-04-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

Spent a wonderful weekend with my daughter at Washington State University's Mom's Weekend 2008. Was really fun and we had some quality time together. The weekend was capped off by a wonderful Elton John concert. He played for 2 and 1/2 hours straight!

The Next Right Thing

2008-03-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

Soooo much has happened since I last posted anything. I am all moved into mmy new place. My dogs have finally come to live with me after being away from them for several months. The divorce papers are signed. All that is left is the settlement and the 90 day waiting period.

Seems strange that life as I knew it can be reduced to practically nothing with a few papers and signatures. Anna was able to come for 10 days earlier this month and that was just what I needed. We did some rock hounding, some step work, and lots of meetings. It was good for me to have her here.

Now I am working on what is next in life. I am staying very busy in the program. I am now sponsoring 4 women which keeps me very busy and out of my head. My sponsor has also volunteered me for a District service postion, as well as, home group service position. With all that I don't really have too much time to get into trouble......but I still time to do it. I know that if I pour myself into the program right now it will save my ass.

So this is what I am doing.....and eventually I know that I will know a new freedom and a new happiness. The promises will and have been coming true and I am told by the Big Book and the fellowship that this will one day be an assest to me. So I get up, shower, suit up and show up. It really helps to stay in the moment so that is what I do. Eating lots of oranges these days.....(see the story of the orange linked in my blog).

Life

2008-03-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well, tomorrow I move again. The place I have been staying was only a temporary arrangement until I could find something. I found the perfect little place for me. I can't wait until it's all unpacked and I can get my puppies and bring them to their new home. I have missed them very much these last three weeks. Things seem to be moving so fast that I can barely process them so I'm just hanging on for dear life. My soon to be Ex has already had divorce papers draw up and sent to me. He seems very eager to get this all over with. I'm barely coming to terms with the fact that it's happening and need to stop and breath just a bit, which is making him impatient, but he'll survive. It will be a very long busy week trying to get everything sort of unpacked. Then next weekend Mable is flying out for a visit and we are going to an AA conference for the weekend. I'm very much looking forward to that......need to re-energize. I know that staying close to my program is very important right now while I am on this emotional roller coaster. My Higher Power has a way of making sure I do that......I had another Gal ask me to sponsor her last night after the meeting. So I will be meeting with sponsees 3 days out of the week now and my sponsor on the fourth.....that doesn't leave me much time to get in trouble and I like that. Just what I needed to get me through all this stuff.

The Eagle Soars

2008-02-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday a Court of Honor was held for my son to receive his Eagle Scout Rank. It was the first time that his Father and I had been in close proximity since he asked me to leave our house, and the first time either of us spent any time with our families face to face since then. I spent a lot of energy, stressing out over this day, during the past week. It was also the first time with so many friends....many of whom did not even know yet that we are separated. I spent some time praying and meditating and eventually my Higher Power's answer came to me. Today was about my son and making his day special. So that meant I needed to put my feelings and uncomfortable aside for the day.....It was difficult but with my HP's strength I got through it. It showed on my son's face, as you could see the pride, that his Mother was able to not take things personal and to make the day special for him.

I survived the emotional roller coaster. I held my tongue when those digging little comments where made. I smiled and held my head up I. I did the next right thing. I feel so good about that now......and my son's day was special and his memories of that day will be good. My sponsor asked me a question once and that question rolled through my mind quiet often yesterday....."Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I chose being happy and the result was phenomenal. Today I am left with the knowledge that I made it through a very tough situation, I didn't have to drink. I didn't have to act out on crazy thoughts and emotions. It will only get easier from this point forward. I am blessed and grateful to have a Power greater than me working in my life and a simple program of action that guides me in appropriate actions and problem solving.

Steps 1,2 & 3

2008-02-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

I have found that bottoms in sobriety suck. I am POWERLESS and the actions I have been taking lately So I am back to the beginning......I can't, He can, so I'll let him......sounds so simple. I spoke with my sponsor and really discovered what has been going on on my life lately. I then had to meet with a sponsee......I was pretty down and beating myself up at the beginning of the day. The sponsee and I reviewed steps 1,2,3 and took the third step together. It was so freeing for me to be able to give her a real life example of my powerlessness today, my addmission of defeat and then be able to get on our knees and turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Power Greater than ourselves. It was a good day today.

Power in the Higher Power

2008-02-17T18:02:00.001-08:00

What a weekend.......pain is growth and there has been lots of growth this weekend. Where to begin......My sponsor says that relapse ends in the drink, but the behaviors that lead to that drink begin way before and that is so true. Thankfully, my Higher Power has spoken to me twice this weekend through others. Beginning last night my roommate posted o message on my myspace.........it read, "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die."The Big Book Page 14/15"Faith without works is dead!" This message arrived right when I was sitting in my room premeditating my next relapse......it was a message I definitly needed to see at that moment, for it was enough to wake me the hell up.....had to ask myself what in the hell I was doing. I spent the rest of the night beating myself up for being in that space.

My sponsor called this morning and after I was honest with her about where I was she reminded me that the Big Book tells us that if we fall short and we are sorry that we believe we will be forgiven and we move forward and learn from our decisions and actions. It does not say that we continue to beat ourselves up for the things we have already done, instead we move forward today and ask our Higher Power for the guidance and strength to make different choices and take different actions.

My sponsor reminded me that I am a child, a daughter of God and if I choose to act from the place of love in my heart, rather than the place of fear and anger in my head I can't go wrong. So i have spent the day today making a list of the actions I need to take, and taking some of those actions to move forward from today and work on being the woman I want to be, the woman my Higher Power intends for me to be. The Big book also reminds us that we will not regret the past, nor will we wish to shut the door on it. I have faith to know that that statement is true and someday I will understand the purpose behind the path I have walked.....and someday there will be an opportunity for me to give back to someone else those things which have been freely given me.

Bad Moments, Not Bad Days

2008-02-16T10:21:00.000-08:00

Life has been a struggle of late. I have had many challenges this past few weeks. I went to my home group meeting last night and the topic and sharing was really a case of my Higher Power using others to speak to me. The reading was from the Big Book on the 10th step promises. That brought me clarity on my emotional state, well that along with some guidance from my sponsor. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster and I felt as if I was going insane. It was pointed out, just as the 10th step promises state, that my sanity has been restored and what is happening is normal......it is called feeling emotions. Wow.......so this is what emotions feel like? They are so unfamiliar to me that my instinct is to cover them up or find a way to numb them out. Later someone shared about how they never have bad days any longer thanks to the help of a Higher Power and working the 12 steps. When i heard them say that, I thought....."Yea Right" But then they further clrified......they have bad moments but never bad days.....Lightbulb. I reflected back and found that I had been dwelling on the bad moments and making them larger, but that there had been good moments too and if I dwelled on the good moments than just maybe I wouldn't be having bad days. Ultimately having a bad day is a choice because there are always good things that happen in a whole 24 hour period.......

Jesse's Day

2008-02-14T03:24:00.000-08:00

Six years now since that day I learned of your ultimate sacrifice. My journey has been long and this last year the pain has come more often than the joy. I have fallen off the beam many times. My commitment to you has kept me sober, although I have not always been emotionally sober. This anniversary finds me with a renewed willingness to gain emotional sobriety and a sense of peace and serenity. They say that growth is painful, so I know that much growth is happening right now. Just a few weeks ago I traveled to Minnesota to visit with Mable and to attempt to regain my direction. It was an eventful week, although it is still difficult to take a thorough and honest inventory of one's life.

I had some clarity flow into me and today I feel as though I am back on the beam. I made a commitment to myself and my Higher Power while on that trip. Even though I have been home only a few short weeks I have begun the work necessary to achieve emotional sobriety. Today I re commitment myself to you. Thank you for the gift of life and the opportunity to fulfill God's purpose in my life. For you and for myself, I will continue the necessary work to grow spiritually and achieve emotional sobriety, as well as, being true to the physical sobriety I promised you two years ago.

I love you Little Man. Godspeed, Sweet Dreams

Mom

New Leg of the Journey

2008-02-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

Well.......so much has happened since I last posted. After 22 years of marriage my husband asked me for a divorce. Last night was my first night in my new place. It has been an emotional roller coaster. There were some many memories of wonderful times and we made two wonderful children. The reality is that since I got sober 4 years ago we have grown on two very different paths, especially spiritually. It became clear that this leg of my journey was to be done solo. I have had to work hard to remember that my Higher Power and sobriety must come before everything else, for without them I will have nothing. A decision had to be made about the future and it was tough, but ultimately it came down to one thing........for me, to drink is to die.......and the marriage, the way it was going was leading me closer to a drink. I have been busy with packing and moving and unpacking......but as I begin this new leg of my journey I will be blogging the pains and the joys, as that is always so helpful for me......Thanks to those of you who keep checking here and asking where I have been. Thanks to those who have held me up during this difficult time of change, especially I am grateful for the strength given me by my Higher Power.

KVOE

2008-01-11T21:42:00.000-08:00

There is this wonderful guy in California who was for many years my sponsor's sponsor. He had this saying that made no sense to me early on in my sobriety, but it makes perfect sense now. On Thursday I will be headed east to see Mable for a much needed vacation. This will be a chance to get my Ego back in check. When I visit Mable for some reason God's voice always seems to get louder for me.

"I have a radio station in my head. KVOE, the voice of Ego: it runs 24/7 with a negative monologue. But I have the power to change the station to KVOG, the voice of God at any point I chose to."

By Jack K. (My Grand-Sponsor)

A Woman's Soul

2008-01-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

"The history of every country is carved by the hand of a man, while the hope and love of humanity is born of a woman's soul."

By Author Unknown

Out In The Fields With God

2007-12-29T23:40:00.000-08:00

The little care that fretted me,

I lost them yesterday,

Amoung the fields above the sea,

Among the winds at play,

Among the lowing of the herds,

The rustling of the trees,

Among the singing of the birds,

The humming of the bees.

The foolish fears of what might pass

I cast them all away

Among the clover-scented grass

Among the new-mown hay,

Among the rustling of the corn

Where drowsy poppies nod,

Where ill thoughts die and good are born -

Out in the fields with God!

Author Unknown

I am amazed at the way my cares float away when I am in communion with my Higher Power. When I trust in that power and try to do Thy will not mine, life is never more than I can handle. This last year, 2007, was one of tremendous growth for me......unfortunatley I seem to always learn things the hard way and therefore experience a lot of pain. Often the pain is of my very own making, mostly because I allow my ego to guide my way instead of following the will of a Power Greater than me. Always when the pain gets bad enough I remember what I'm supppose to do and turn those things over to that Power, fix the wrongs I can and am amazed at how things fall into place. My goal for this new apporaoching year is to work on letting go of that ego a little sooner so I don't have to suffer so much pain to get to the other side. I am grateful for all the blessings I have been given this past year, the lessons learned and the wonderful relationships my Higher Power has helped me to restore. I am especially grateful for my family, my sponsors, my sponsees, and the fellowship for giving me the strength and guidance to get through each day.

Legend of The Christmas Rose

2007-12-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

On the cold December night, everybody was coming to see their new Savior and brought Him all kinds of gifts and presents. The three Wise Men came in with their valuable gifts of myrrh, frankincense and gold and offered them to Baby Jesus. At that point of time, a shepherd maiden who had come to see and visit the Christ Child also reached the door of the stable. However, she was very poor and had nothing to offer the child. She felt helpless and was quietly weeping outside the door. She had searched for flowers all over the countryside but there was not even a single bloom to be found in the bitter winters.An angel outside the door was watching over her and knew about her fruitless search. He took pity on her and when he saw her head drooped down in sorrow, gently brushed aside the snow at her feet, from where a beautiful cluster of waxen white winter roses sprang up with pink tipped petals. The, he softly whispered in the shepherdess's ears that these Christmas roses are more valuable than any myrrh, frankincense or gold for they are pure and made of love. The maiden was pleasantly surprised when she heard those words and joyfully, gathered the flowers and offered them to the Holy Infant, who smiled at her with gratitude and satisfaction.

The Christmas Tablecloth

2007-12-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

The Tablecloth Christmas Story

The brand new pastor and his wife, were newly assigned to their first ministry. They were supposed to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn. They arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve.They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc., and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished. On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm hit the area and lasted for two days. On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high.The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do, postponed the Christmas Eve service and headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was justthe right size to cover up the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church. By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus... She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area.Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet.. "Pastor," she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?"The pastor explained. Then the woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria.The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten the Tablecloth. The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria. When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to prison and she never saw her husband or their home again.The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth, but she made the pastor keep it for the church. The pastor insisted on driving her home, that was the least he could do.. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day, doing a housecleaning job.What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the spirit were great. At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return.One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn't leaving.The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike.
He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in prison.. He never saw his wife or his home again in all these 35 years.The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw thegreatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine.

When I Dream of Christmas

2007-12-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

When I Dream of Christmas

When I dream of Christmas,

I dream of wondrous things,

of mistletoe and holly,

and joy the season brings,

Of snowy fields,

and rosy cheeks,

sleds careening fast and sleek,

houses lighted, festive, gay,

preparing for that special day

When family gathers ‘round the tree,

anticipating what will bein Christmas boxes tied up tight,

colorful wrappings shining bright,

Sharing love and laughter there,

while grandpa snoozes in his chair,

dinner served with all the trimmings

as we await New Year’s beginnings

Children scurried off to bed,

on goose-down pillows rest their head,

saying prayers for blessings given,

thanking Him, our Lord in Heaven

Grandma reading ‘bout the One,

Jesus Christ, His only Son,

enduring pain and sins of man,

King of Kings, the great “I AM”

When I dream of Christmasand wondrous things…
by Tamara Hillman. Copyright 2004

Found this poem recently and liked it so I thought I would share it here. Hope you enjoy too.

The Christmas Tree

2007-12-06T19:18:00.001-08:00

The tradition of having an evergreen tree become a symbol of Christmas goes back past recorded written history. The Druids in ancient England & Gual and the Romans in Europe both used evergreen branches to decorate their homes and public buildings to celebrate the Winter Solstice. Over the years, these traditions were adopted by Christians, who incorporated them as part of their Christmas holiday celebration. Trees used specifically to celebrate Christmas are mentioned in the early 1600's in Germany and surrounding countries. The families would set up these trees in a prominent location of their home and decorate them with colored paper, small toys, food, and sometimes candles. As these people moved or immigrated to other countries, they brought this tradition with them. Through the years many different things were used to decorate Christmas trees. As the world moved into the 1900's, many trees were decorated with strings of popcorn, homemade cards and pictures, cotton to look like snow, candy in all shapes and sizes, and occasionally, fancy store made glass balls and hand blown glass figurines. Candles were sometimes used, but often caused devastating fires, and many different types of candle holders were devised to try to prevent tree fires. Electric tree lights were first used just 3 years after Thomas Edison has his first mass public demonstration of electric lights back in 1879. The early Christmas tree lights were handmade and quite expensive.
Today, Christmas tree ornaments can be found in nearly every size, color, and shape imaginable, and they are used to decorate the millions of Christmas trees used throughout the world.

Tonight we trimmed the tree at our house. This is the first year our daughter is putting up her own tree, so our's is bare of all her ornaments. Much as I hate change, life happens. We are moving to a new phase of our lives. With my son being a senior in high school this year, this will be our last season with a kid in the house. The kids plan to rent a house together next year as it will be the only year they are in college together. Fortunately it is just across town so we still see them a lot. I'm looking forward to the next phase of life even though I'm sad too.

Pure Joy is Contagious

2007-12-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

Last night I attended the County wide Christmas dance for adults with developmental disabilities. I'm absolutley exhausted today. I am also striving today to be more like those clients I serve everyday. I learned what true jod and hapiness looks like while at this event. I have learned so much from serving these folks....they have taught me about joy, hapiness, over coming adversity, positive outlooks, honesty, unconditional love to name just a few. I never sat last night, I just got passed from one person to the next, and the joy was contagious. I left the dance on a kind of high, a high that only true happiness brings. I am so grateful that God has guided me into this career path. Though there are struggles, stresses and heartache, though I don't make very much money, this is by far the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. I actually look forward to getting up and going to work.

I am also filled with gratitude and awe this morning thinking of my baby girl. She turns 21 today....hard for me to believe it has been that long that she has been here to bring us joy.

Step 11

2007-12-02T15:11:00.000-08:00

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct out thinking, especially asking that it be diverced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried for a while. What used to be a hunch or occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumptions in all sorts of absurd actions and as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely on it.

We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pay for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why......

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

It works - it really does.

We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead.""

Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 86-88

I am at a point in my journey where I am facing a lot of uncertainty and a lot of decisions. That creates a sense of restlessness, irritability and discontentedness. I know what I need to do to alieveate those feelings. The name of the game for me is ACTION. I need to get back to the basics and take action....thinking it and knowing it will get me drunk....doing it can save my life. So for me that means that I'm attending as many meetings as I can fit into my schedule....and concentrating on step 11. Strength and guidance will get me through this time and inorder to use the strength and guidance that is sitting there waiting for me to use I have to do the foot work to go get it. Communication with my Higher Power is the answer. So I'm reading those pages that give me direction and strength (62, 83-88, 417-420, 512-521) and working hard at prayer and meditation. I am also making myself available to my sponsee more often and meeting with my sponsor more often. These are the basic tools I have learned inside the rooms and they always work if I take the action. Everything will work out and I will be okay. Early on it was difficult to understand that. I had to learn that I don't know what "okay" looks like and I don't know what "work out" looks like.....so i leave those things to my Higher Power and trust that even though I may not think so at the moment, the path he leads me on is the one I need to be on. Today I am grateful to be an alcoholic......because I have a program of action to guide me through my day.

Another great tool I learned early on was to write gratitude lists even when I didn't want to cause it would lead me to gratitude....and sure enough it does....so I'm back to writing those everyday and I have faith that those lists will turn into actions because I have also learned that gratitude is an "action" word.

So Today I'm grateful for:

A kick ass Higher Power

The rooms of AA

My kids and husband

My AA family

My sponsor Delilah, My Sponsee Lisa, and My bestest friend and mentor Mable

The unconditional love my dogs give to me

Snow gently falling all around me

"Enough" of all that I need

The ability to walk (even if it is with great pain)

A job that allows me to give back so much

Babies!

Another chance at life

Open Minds

2007-11-30T16:28:00.000-08:00

I had a very disappointing day yesterday and was feeling pretty down. I got an e-mail from my dearest friend when i awoke this morning that really set the tone for the day today. Thought I would share it will you:

How willing are you to learn something new? How open are you to new perspectives?

Only when we’re open can we really hear what’s being said or really see what’s happening or really experience the moment.

Openness demands that we be willing to move to places we’ve never been before. It asks us to continually challenge the foundations of our belief systems so we can test out new ideas. And to do that, we need to accept insecurity.

'The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.'

by-- Alvin Toffler

You see I got some news yesterday that was not what I wanted to hear. When I read this e-mail it reminded me that I have not been very open. Not open to accept things for what they really are and therefore not open to trying new ways to solve the problem. My success is going to be measured by how open I can become to accept reality and how open I want to be in trying new and different ways to deal with that reality. It was a big reminder to back when I first got sober. I was so closed minded to the possibility of a Higher Power being able to help me accomplish that which I had been unable to accomplish on my own that I nearly allowed that closed mindedness to take my life. Once I allowed a small amount of openness in it caught hold and eventually the door way to a whole new spirituality and a whole new life was wide open. If I am to move forward from the place I am then I must again allow that door way to crack open ever so slighty, to unlearn what my mind says is the only way to solve this problem, and be open to learning a new way. Once again confirming that the key to happiness and succcess lies within me and the choices i make. I am so blessed to have this friend in my life as a reminder to always remain teachable.

Four Things

2007-11-25T22:07:00.000-08:00

Four things a man must learn to do

If he would make his record true:

To think without confusion clearly;

To love his fellow men sincerely;

To act from honest motives purely;

To trust in God and heaven securely.

by Henry van Dyke

This poem is so simple. Yet simple is what keeps me going right now. The program teaches me to keep things simple too. For now I can only get through each day one at a time and do the next right thing. Trust God, clean house and stay close to my program, my goal for each day. I have no idea what the future holds and i have fears and doubts but I know that strength and trust in my Higher Power will get me through all this and in the end, whatever happens will be just the way it is suppose to be.

My Baby Boy

2007-11-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

Its time to pick which senior pictures we want........but it's so darn hard to decide.

Yes, I am one of them too

2007-09-28T01:49:00.000-07:00

I was at a meeting this past week and there was a discussion of the classification of Alcoholism as a disease rather than weak will power. A person stated, as part of their coming to understand it as a disease, they were told that the gene for alcoholism had been identified. At that very moment my "alcoholic mind" took off on a tangent. I found myself thinking, "I need genetic testing to prove that I do not have the alcoholic gene so that I may drink again!" I caught myself and brought myself back to reality........if I were not an alcoholic would I even be thinking such thoughts? If I were not alcoholic then why had I been unable to stop on all the previous attempts? Duh.....all I had to do was look at the case record.....gene testing was not necessary to prove I have the alcoholic gene! I shared my thought in the meeting and laughed at myself all evening. My best thinking landed me in all kinds of bad spots and it tried yet again....Today I am so grateful for a Higher Power, the program and the fellowship that I have learned that I don't have to listen to those thoughts if I so chose.

Healing and Pets

2007-09-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy, busy time at our house. My son's dog was injured recently. We have had him since he was only weeks old and he is very attached to my son. He jumped off a bed and landed funny causing a spinal cord injury. In the beginnning we thought he would have to be put down but we did what we could to help him. He has responded well to treatment and we brought him home today. It will be months before we know exactly how much movement he will regain, but my son is happy to just have him home. He still cannot walk and might not be able to ever, time will tell. We have lots of work to do to help him have the best chance possible.

This has been a trying summer for animals at our house. My daughters puppy was hit by a car earlier in the summer and suffered head trauma. Both kids had to face the fact that their beloved pets may die. Fortunately neither did. It has been a time for me to reflect on all the blessing that have been brought my way. With both kids I was able to be present and provide them with suppport and comfort which is something I never could have done prior to getting clean and sober. In both cases, as we dealt with tough decisions and reviewed all the consequences, it was a time for healing to take place between my kids and myself. Healing is yet another blessing brought into our lives this summer.

Best Friends

2007-08-24T23:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight we watched as our niece married her best friend. It was a time for me to reflect on how very blessed I truly am. It was a fun time, which is something new for me. When I was drinking I would have been very uncomfortable up until the point when the alcohol began to flow. Instead, today I got the opportunity to sit back and enjoy all the beautiful things going on around me. The ceremony was great. They did something called a sand ceremony which I had never seen before. It was beautiful. It went like this:

"BRIDE and GROOM you have just sealed your bond by the giving and receiving of rings and this covenant is a marital pledge between two people who agree that they will commit themselves to one another throughout their lives. The most beautiful example of this partnership is the marriage union. Today, this relationship is symbolized through the pouring of these two individual containers of sand. One, representing you, BRIDE and all that you were, all that you are, and all that you will ever be, and the other representing you, GROOM, and all that you were and all that you are, and all that you will ever be. As these two containers of sand are poured into the third container, the individual containers of sand will no longer exist, but will be joined together as one. Just as these grains of sand can never be separated, our prayer for you today is that your lives together would take longer than the time it would take to separate the individual grains of sand. "

It really hit home for me. Each grain of sand is an event, feeling, moment in time......put really when you look at the container of sand that is your whole life you see that these events that I dwelt on and let hold me back from life were really nothing.....only small moments of sand in the big container.

Blessed Be my Feet

2007-08-23T16:15:00.000-07:00

Blessed Be my feet, which walk the path of the Lord and Lady,Blessed Be my knees, which kneel at the sacred altar, Blessed Be my heart, may it beat the drum of compassion, Blessed Be my lips, may they always speak the truth, Blessed Be my eyes, may they see the wisdom of the Spirit, May the love of the Lord and Lady be within and around me as I continue my journey through life this day.

Coffee!

2007-08-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

By LORI MATSUKAWA / KING 5 News
Coffee may protect the brain of aging women
NEW YORK - Can't find your car keys? Forgot the name of the movie you saw last week? If you find your memory is slipping, remember your morning coffee.
A growing body of research suggests coffee can help protect the aging brain. A four-year study of 7,000 people found women who drank three cups or more a day had fewer age-related memory problems compared to those who drank a cup or less.
The benefits kicked in for women 65 and older, but not for men.
Duke University's Dr. Jim Lane has been studying the health effects of caffeine for more than 25 years.
He says,"We don't know that caffeine actually improves mental function or prevents decline in functioning," Lane warned.
The Cleveland Clinic's Dr. Ronan Factora agrees.
"It's a lot of coffee, it's a lot of caffeine, about 300 milligrams a day, and this doesn't even take into account the caffeine that you get from things like caffeinated beverages," he said.
Researchers note that women who drank tea got the same memory boosting benefits. They don't know why the benefits didn't show up in men

I needed a good excuse to justify my caffine addiction! Now I can drink coffee all day and say it's because I'm boosting my memory!

The Concert

2007-08-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Well the music was great and the scenery was out of this world. My planning proved lacking though. I knew there would be booze and dope all around me but just figured I could handle it. What I didn't plan for was that my co-workers that went with would be participating in those activities, leaving me as the lone sober person. Way theu figured it was a designated Driver.......was an incredible test of my faith. It took every darn second of praying my ass off to get through it. So the lesson learned is concerts sober are cool but bring a sober friend along for support!

Nickelback

2007-08-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

I won tickets to the Nickelback, Puddle of Mud, Finger Eleven concert tonight at the Gorge Ampitheater! I really wanted to see them but could not afford tickets. Low and behold I won a radio contest and got a pair of tickets. Life is good! I keep suiting up and showing up and good things are happening in my life. That kinda stuff never happened when I was drinking.......I only found problems, trouble and heartache.

Mean Mums

2007-08-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

Got this from a friend in an e-mail and thought it was too perfect not to share.......

Mean Mums

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mum told me: I loved you enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom,and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too. And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Was your Mum mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mum was. I think that is what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean mums!

Happy Anniversary

2007-08-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

Today is the day I married my best friend......22 years ago. It is hard for me to believe that we have made it this far down the road. There were many potholes and washouts but with God's help we are still together. There is much work left to be done as we go. So long as we take it one day at a time we can overcome anything.

Vacation

2007-08-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

MABLE & MAUDE

Just got back from visiting Anna in Minnesota. I also got to see Meg for those of you who remember her. Had a wonderful time. I was blessed to be able to receive my two year medalion from Anna too. Spent the week just relaxing and getting to know the new grandbaby. I don't know what is in the water there but I almost always come home from Anna's revitalized and ready to tackle the next challenge life has to offer. Thanks Anna for a wonderful time. Love ya chickie.

It's All Good

2007-07-17T15:41:00.001-07:00

We had an experience over the weekend that reminded us about living in the day. It was also a very healing experience. My daughter has a 7 month old puppy who likes to try to escape and if he successfully sneaks out the door his favorite thing to do is run across the street to the park, where he promptly stops and rolls over with his belly in the air thinking, aren't I cute. Well on Thursday afternoon when my daughter went to get the mail he did that very thing only there was a large pickup truck coming down the hill. He is so little, a chihuahua, the truck didn't see him. The front tire of the truck hit him in the jowls and spun him to the curb. I got a phone call at work and met my daughter at the vet.

Now my daughter and I have not been on the best of terms since I got sober. She has had a lot of anger that she hasn't worked through yet, so the fact that she called me was an amazing thing to begin with. I stayed with her while the puppy went into shock and nearly died. Fortunately we live in a town that has one of the best vet teaching hospitals in the country. After they stabilized the puppy at the vet they transferred him to the hospital. He was treated for severe head trauma and responded well to those medications. He pulled through and it looks as though he will be okay.

The whole experience was very healing for my daughter and I. We were able to talk a lot while at the hospital waiting. My sponsor once told me that no matter the situation, "it was all good." That I could find a positive in every situation. At first I saw no positive from this, but in the end I now see the positive came in the healing of our relationship. It is all good.

Retreads & Slippers

2007-07-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

Having suffered from alcoholism, I should understand the illness, but sometimes I feel annoyance, even contempt, toward a person who cannot make it in A.A. When I feel that way, I am satisfying my false sense of superiority and I must remember, but for the grace of God, there go I.

Hey all.......getting so many folks bugging me to post, here it is.......: I am coming up on my two year anniversary has made me reflect as I work on an inventory of my goals set for this year. One of the things that has really stuck with me this year is the fact that the only guarentee I have is right now today. I choose to stay sober right now and enjoy this moment in the fullest. By concentrating on this very principal I have had much success. There have been many struggles and challenges but I have stayed sober just for today.

I started a new Job in mid May and that has been a wonderful change for me. This job is a lot less stressful than my last job, more regular work hours and and NO MORE COMMUTING. Other than that have just been busy with summer.......ballgames, fishing, garden, kids etc. Hope all is well in your worlds and when I have a little more than five minutes I'll stop by and say "Hi."

I Have Been Tagged......

2007-06-03T17:38:00.000-07:00

Scott tagged me to share my reading habits......Well, there is no way I'm gonna count how many books I have like Scott did, but I'll give you an estimation. I have enough books to fill four 6 foot high and three foot wide book shelves. I have tons of self-help books from both personal reading and school and work. I have tons of religion books, Catholic, Buddhist, as well as, other spiritual subjects from school and from personal reading the last few years. I have a few shelves of fiction by various authors, as well as, every book ever written by Stephen King. I also have a ton of addiction recovery books. Finally, I have several shelves full of American history books, and other outdoor subjects surrounding hiking and camping that I have accumulated through years of helping out in scouting. Now comes the hard part....selecting five favorite or those that have had the most influence on me.

Alcoholics Anonymous
The Little Red Book
The 12 X 12
The Four Agreements
The Celestine Prophecy
The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck
The Stand by Stephen King

Well I will stop there but I could keep going. I suppose those are the ones I pick up the most often anyway. Now I tag Lushgirl and Anna.

Home

2007-06-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

We arrived back home at midnight on Wed. I had to work Thursday and Friday, so I was draggin'.......But now the weekend is here! Our trip was full of emotions. It was hard for me to see my Granny, we had a wonderful time, yet she is getting so weak. We had a wonderful visit but it was so hard to say goodbye. We fit in some fun too! My boys caught a SF Giants game and got to see Barry Bonds hit home run number 746, as he chases Hank Aaron's all time HR record. I got to have lunch and fellowship with some of my on-line "family." It was fun to explore San Francisco with my son. We spent the night with some old friends down the road from the farm I grew up on and I got to share that part of my life and show my son where I grew up. I included a picture of my son looking at San Francisco from Jack London Square in Oakland, as well as, a picture on my friends from online meetings. It was a wonderful visit and it was just the re-charge I needed.

Vacation

2007-05-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

Enjoying some sunny California weather this weekend. We are visiting my Grandma for her 85th birthday and having a mini vacation too. Today we will see the Cubs play at San Francisco. Tomorrow we will have lunch with a group of online AA ers that I have met over the years. Tomorrow afternoon we will see Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco and then cross over to Oakland to see Texas Rangers play the A's. Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday weekend!

The Ten Commandments of Harley Davidson

2007-05-23T06:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't been around for a bit. I started a new job a little over two weeks ago. I spent the first week working full time at the old job and part time at the new job and then last week started fulltime at the new job so i haven't been able to spend time blogging. But i have thought of the folks in the blogger world often, just haven't had the time to get here. This morning i received a phone call 40 minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off. So I'm using the extra time to catch up. I may make it to a few blogs but not nearly all that I want to make it too. The phone call was good news though so I thought I would share some humor with you all. The good news involves a fellow blogger......I can't share the secret but keep an eye on Anna's blog for the details, as I'm sure the proud Grandma will share the secret with you. Thanks everyone for all your support as I trudge this part of my journey.

The Ten Commandments of Harley Davidson

1. The one true American-made motorcycle is the Harley-Davidson, and thou shalt put no other motorcycles before it.

2. Thou shalt not bow down and worship nor serve the god of chrome; for, lo, he is a false god and will not get thy butt home.

3. Honor thy authorized dealer and thy hog chapter officers, that thy days may be long and fruitful in the land of Harley.

4. Remember the weekend, and keep it open. for it is written, five days shalt thou labor, and for two days shalt thou ride thy Harley, drink iced tea, and f**k off.

5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Harley, nor her manservant, nor her maidservant, nor her ox, nor her cute little ass.

6. From the throne of thine Harley, thou shalt not stoop to wave at sinners who ride jap-crap, for jap-crap is known to be the handiwork of the devil.

7. Thou shalt not pass by nor turn away from thy brother Harley rider who is in mechanical distress.

8. Thou shalt not pose. verily, I say unto you, it is easier for a poser to pass his gold visa card through the eye of a needle than to enter into the true fellowship of Harley-Davidson heaven.

9. When riding thy Harley on the road of life, thou shalt not whine nor snivel, and thou shalt not suffer to ride alongside those who do.

10. Park not thy Harley in the darkness of thine garage, that it may collect dust for want of being oft ridden, ride thy Harley with thy brethren, and rejoice in the spirit of the road.

The Fourth Agreement

2007-05-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

Under any circumstances, always do your best....

Just do your best ---in any circumstance in your life. It doesn't if you are sick or tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don't judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame and self-punishment. By always doing your best, you will break the spell that you have been under....

Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything....

Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you are expecting a reward...

When you do your best you learn to accept yourself...

God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say, "I love you, God," is to live your life doing your best. The best way to say, "Thank you, God," is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and now. Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now...

You were born with the right to be happy. You were born with the right to love, to enjoy and to share your love. You are alive, so take your life and enjoy it. Don't resist life passing through you, because that is God passing through you. Just your existence proves the existence of God. Your existence proves the existence of life and energy.

We don't need to know or prove anything. Just to be, to take a risk and enjoy your life, is all that matters. Say no when you want to say no, say yes when you want to say yes. You have the right to be you. You can only be you when you do your best. When you don't do your best you are denying yourself the right to be you...

Your own body is a manifestation of God, and if you honor your body everything will change for you. When you practice giving love to every part of your body, you plant seeds of love in your mind, and when they grow, you will love, honor, and respect your body immensely...

Every action then becomes a ritual which you are honoring God. After that, the next step is honoring God with every thoughts, every emotion, every belief, even what it is "right" or "wrong."....

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz, pp. 75-91

This agreement is going to be the hardest one I think, however it is so simple. That line....."Every action then becomes a ritual which you are honoring God," is really the key. If I think about each action I take throughout my day and ask myself.....How is this honoring God?, I would be living the perfect life. The problem is that I'm human and often let self will interfere with my best intentions. At least its an ideral I can strive towards.....so for today I will attempt to pause often and review my actions to see if they are honoring God.

The Third Agreement

2007-05-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

The Third Agreement is Don't Make Assumptions....

The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth....

We make assumptions about what others are thinking and doing --- then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word....

We make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing...

assumptions set us up for suffering....

We make assumptions that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think that others will judge us, victimize us, blame us and abuse us like we do to ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves....

We don't need to justify love; it is either there or it is not. Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them....

The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions....

The day you stop making assumptions you will communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison....

What really will make the difference is action...

When you transform the dream, magic just happens in your life. What you need comes to you easily because spirit moves freely through you. This is the mastery of intent, the mastery of spirit, the mastery of love, the mastery of gratitude, the mastery of life. This is the goal of the Toltec. This is the path to personal freedom....

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz, pp. 68-74

This agreement will be so very important for me. I am the queen of future trippin'. Staying in the "here and now" will be very important for me. I really like the line love is accpeting of people without trying to change them. I have spent so much time trying to change everyone to fit my world and all I need to do is let those things go and change me. My actions will be the most important thing in the world. Just as a million sorries for drinking fall on deaf hears, but my family notices my choice to be sober everyday, so will other things happen. Time to stop making apologies and start taking action to prevent future harm to others by trying to impose my world on them. What actions have I taken today to accept those around me as they are?

The Second Agreement

2007-05-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Whatever happens around you, don't take things personal....

Personal importance, or taking things personal, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about "me."....

Nothing other people say or do is because of you. It is because of themselves....

When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world....

Others are going to have their own opinions according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them.....

But it is not what I saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself....

You get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will get mad at me.....

If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of these emotions. If you don't feel any of these emotions, it is logical that you will feel good.....

Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore, you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally....

We have a choice whether or not to believe the voices we hear within our own minds, just as we have a choice of what to believe and agree with in the dream of the planet...

Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simple disappear if you don't take things personally.....

If you can make this second agreement a habit, you will find that nothing can put you back into hell...

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz, pp 47-61

This is so very true for me. The whole principal makes a lot of sense. I have struggled so much with boundaries that I have taken things personally that had nothing to do with me. I have also spent a lot of time impossing my dream on other people. It is time to realize that I am not the center of the universe, that my Higher Power is and so long as I follow that power's will for me and stay true to myself I have nothing to fear. Not an easy task, as I have failed at it miserably at times, but for today it is what I will strive to accomplish.

The First Agreement

2007-05-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

The First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word...

Your word is the power that you have to create. Your word is the gift that comes directly from God....

The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life...

The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you. One edge is the misuse of the word, which creates a living hell. The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty, love, and heaven on earth. Depending upon how it is used, the word can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know...

The word is so powerful that one word can change a life or destroy the lives of millions of people...

Impeccability means "without sin"...

A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself. Everything you feel or believe or say that goes against yourself is a sin...

Being impeccable is not going against yourself. When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself...

Sin begins with rejection of yourself. Self-rejection is the biggest sin that you commit....

If I love myself I will express that love in my interactions with you, and then I am being impeccable with the word, because that action will produce a like reaction...

Being impeccable with your word is the correct use of your energy; it means to use your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself. If you make an agreement with yourself to be impeccable with your word, just with that intention, the truth will manifest through you and clean all the emotional poison that exists within you. But making this agreement is difficult because we have learned to do precisely the opposite...

The truth is the most important part of being impeccable with your word...

You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love. How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word. When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good; you feel happy and at peace...

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz

Hi folks.....have been gone a while. Kenny thanks for all the notes checking up on me. This reading took on so much new and deeper meaning this past couple of weeks. The quality and integrity of my word has been disgraceful lately. I have learned a valuable lesson the very hardest way possible. As this reading says....my WORD is my gift from God. I have used that word to hurt many people in my life and especially myself. As the Big Book says on p. 62....."Selfishness - self-centeredness! That we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So Our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of Self-will run riot....." This has my name all over it.....I have made decisions of late that were based on self that have left me in a position to be hurt and I have hurt others too. So where do I go from here? All I can do for today is turn this all over to my Higher Power, rely on that strength, take actions to fix what I can, accept those things that can't be fixed, and most importantly take ACTION to be honest and impeccable with my word. The chips will fall were they will and through it all I have a choice......trust in my newly strengthened relationship with a power greater than me and accept that all will be okay so long as I make my actions match this principle or rest on my laurels and hope I don't end up in this hole again. I have come to that place in life where I'm tired of the fight, for it is no different than the one I had with the bottle everyday. I am ready to cross to the other side of the street instead of going down this one and hoping the I can get around the whole. So today I have be honest and impeccable in word and action and I plan to do the same tomorrow but will cross that bridge tomorrow. It also says in the Big Book somewhere that we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it......so I know it's time to quit trying to run from it and make peace with it.

What is Hell?

2007-04-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

If we compare the dream of human society with the description of hell that religions all around the world have promulgated, we find they are exactly the same. Religions say that hell is a place of punishment, a place of fear, pain, and suffering, a place where the fire burns you. Fire is generated by emotions that come from fear. Whenever we feel the emotions of anger, jealousy, envy, or hate, we experience a fire burning within us. We are living in a dream of hell....

If you consider hell as a state of mind, then hell is all around us...

We are already in hell, including the people who tell us that. No human can condemn another to hell because we are already there. Others can put us into a deeper hell, true. But only if we allow this to happen...

Every human has his or her own personal dream, and just like the society dream, it is often ruled by fear. We learn to dream hell in our own life , in our personal dreams.....those are anger, jealousy, hate, envy, and other negative emotions...

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book P. 14

I spent many years in hell....the hell and insanity of alcoholism. Only I never knew it was hell and for a long time I thought it was normal and that everyone lived as I did. No longer do I want to be ruled by anger, fear, jealousy, hate, envy and the like.....Life is too short and there is way to much wonderful in it. I still fall short of that dream at times, but the difference today is that they are moments and they pass. I am making a new dream today, it's a work in progress, but it is already more than I ever dreamed possible and I know it's only gonna get better.

Self-Abuse

2007-04-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves, and it is the Judge, the Victim, and the belief system that makes us do this...

The way we judge ourselves is the worst judge that ever existed...

In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else...

We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot accept and love and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves; it is why we don't accept ourselves; it is why we don't accept ourselves the way we are, and why we don't accept others the way they are...

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz p. 19-21

This is so very true for me. I gave all that stuff to God during the inventory process, so why is I keep bringing it back up? He has already forgiven me, so it's time to forgive myself. That was a different time and a different me, and honestly I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not walked in those foot steps....they are a part of me, a part of why I am where I am today. I can honestly say I'm grateful for those things because I love my life today. I believe there is a reason for all things, and even though I might not yet know the whys, God will use those experiences to help another through me someday.

Truth, Justice & Beauty!

2007-04-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

All of humanity is searching for the truth, justice and beauty.....

We don't see the truth because we are blind. What blinds us are all those false beliefs we have in our mind. We have the need to be right and to make others wrong. We trust what we believe, and our beliefs set us up for suffering....

We live in a fog that is not even real. This fog is a dream, your personal dream of life --- what you believe, all the concepts you have about what you are, all the agreements you have made with others, with yourself, and even with God....

That is why humans resist life. To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive --- the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other by other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because we fear not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else...

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz p. 15-17

This was so very true for me for a long. I never wanted to take a risk and would rather stay in a miserable state of mind. Today I have learned that there is so much happiness out there in the world and by taking a few short risks I can experience that happiness. Being alive means living life on life's terms and with it there is sometimes pain and sorrow, but the joy and love you find on the journey is so much greater than the pain and sorrow.

Change Our Agreements

2007-04-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

The most important agreements are the ones you made with yourself. In these agreements are the ones you made with yourself. In these agreements you tell yourself who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave. The result is, what you call your personality. In these agreements you say, "This is what I am. This is what I believe. I can do certain things, and some things I cannot do. This is reality, that is fantasy; that is possible, that is impossible."...

If you want to live a life of joy and fulfillment, you have to find the courage to break those agreements that are fear-based and claim your personal power. The agreements that come from fear require us to expend a lot of energy, but the agreements that come from love help us to conserve energy and even gain extra energy...

Each of us is born with a certain amount of personal power that we rebuild every day after we rest. Unfortunately, we spend all our personal power first to create all these agreements and then to keep these agreements. Our personal power is dissipated by all the agreements we have created, and the result is that we feel powerless. We have just enough power to survive each day...

If we can see it is our agreements which rule our life, and we don't like the dream of our life, we need to change the agreements...

There are four very powerful agreements that will help us break those agreements that come from fear and deplete our energy...

Each time you break an agreement, all the power you used to create it returns to you. If you adopt these four new agreements, they will create enough personal power for you to change the entire system of your old agreements...

If you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing...

Instead of living a dream of hell, you will be creating a new dream --- your personal dream of heaven.

Taken from The Four Agreements : A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz

This really hit home today. I am in a situation where I am allowing myself to be treated with less than respect by someone close to me. This is all being driven by fear.......fear of financial insecurity, abandonment and acceptance. All the very things that the 9th step promises assure me I will no longer have if I place my trust in my Higher Power and do the right things. So now that I have actually said that out loud I guess it is time to take some action. All my words are empty if I don't take the action to change things in my life. That said, it is not so easy. All I can do is pray for guidance and take one step and the rest will fall into place.....that's the plan anyway. No matter what the outcome is I have to have faith that everything will be alright, it will be just as my Higher Power intends it to be and I will be given the strength to get through it one day at a time. God Willing.....

True Justice or True Injustice?

2007-04-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

True justice is paying only once for for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake...

The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake...

If justice exists, then that was enough; we don't need to do it again and again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again.....

The Judge in the mind is wrong because the belief system, the Book of Law, is wrong. The whole dream is based on false law. Ninety-five percent of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies, and we suffer because we believe all these lies...

The personal dream of humans will vary, but globally it is mostly a nightmare. If we look at human society we see a place so difficult to live in because it is ruled by fear...

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz p12-13

I have already been forgiven and have asked God to remove my efects of character. So why do I continue to hang onto that stuff? Fear is the only answer I can come up with. Every time it comes up I have to revisit the fear, change my belief system, come to the realization that it is not true......then I can let go again and move forward. I'm hoping that someday I will be able to just leave those fears in the garbage pile and move forward. At least for now the time between putting them down and picking them up again is growing larger and that's all I can ask for.

Accepting Tragedy

2007-03-31T21:38:00.000-07:00

Taken from the book: A Moment to Reflect: Accepting Tragedy by Veronica Ray

No matter who we are or when we are on our path, tragedy can strike us or our loved ones. As Leo Buscaglia says, "We cannot stop a hurricane, silence a storm, or keep a loved one from leaving us." These things, and others, just happen.

It may be hard for us to understand why God allows tragedies to occur. We may feel betrayed. We may want to give up on God or this whole spirituality business. We may wonder why we should bother working so hard at our spiritual growth, only to be ignored in our time of need.

But after our grief and our anger, we can experience another feeling: acceptance. God has wisdom and a plan we know nothing about. Letting go means accepting both the painful and the joyful gifts our Higher Power sends us.

Last night was my home group meeting. I found out upon arrival that a young man who just celebrated three years had taken his own life. That became our topic for the night. It was a very sad meeting with lots of tears, but it also is a meeting I am very grateful. It was a reminder to me that the only guarantee I have is today. Also, that I have a disease that has one goal and that is to see me dead. It never goes away and is always lurking in the back ground waiting for an opportunity to strike. All I can do is keep my spiritual shield strong, remember that my future is in the present and stay out of myself. Maybe this gift, this reminder of how powerful this disease really is was all that our friend had left to give us.

How To Plant Your Garden

2007-03-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

I got this from a friend at a meeting last night and thought it was perfect. Just had to pass it along.....

How To Plant your Garden

First, you come to the garden alone,
While the dew is still on the roses....

FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING,
PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. peace of heart
3. peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash the gossip
2. Squash the indifference
3. Squash the grumbling
4. Squash the selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN IS COMPLETE WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

Dream Roles

2007-03-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

Do you believe that truth can be but some illusion? They are dreams because they are not true. Their equal lack of truth becomes the basis for the basis for the miracle, which means that you have understood that dreams are dreams; and that escape depends, not on the dream, but only on awaking...

The choice is not between dreams or to awaken from them....

For every dream is but a dream of fear, no matter what the form it seems to take. The fear is seen within, without, or both. Or it can be disguised in pleasant form. But never is it absent from the dream, for fear is the material of dreams, from which they are all made. Their form can change, treacherous indeed if it allowed you still to be afraid because you did not recognize the fear. You would not be willing to awake, for which the miracle prepares the way...

When you are angry, it is not because someone has failed to fill the function you allotted him? And does not this become the "reason" your attack is justified? The dreams you think you like are those in which the functions you have given have been filled; the needs which you ascribe to you are met. It doesn't matter if they be fulfilled or merely wanted. It is the idea that they exist from which the fears arise. Dreams are not wanted more or less. They are not desired or not. Each one represents some function that you have assigned; some goal which an event, or body, or a thing should represent, and should achieve for you. If it succeeds you think you like the dream. If if should fail you think the dream is sad. But whether it succeeds or fails is not it's core, but just the flimsy covering?...

How happy would your dreams become if you were not the one who gave the "proper" role to every figure which the dream contains. No one can fail but your idea of him, and there is no betrayal but this. The core of dreams the Holy Spirit gives is never one of fear...

Perceptions are determined by their purpose, in that they seem to be what they are for...

What is your brother for? You do not know, because your function is obscure to you. Do not ascribe a role to him that you imagine would bring happiness to you. And do not try to hurt him when he fails to take the part that you assigned to him, in what you dream your life was meant to be...

Who can utilize all dreams as means to serve the function given Him. Because He loves the dreamer, not the dream, each dream becomes an offering of love. For at its center is His love for you, which lights whatever form it takes with love...

Taken from ACIM P. 612-613

This lesson really rang true for me and fit right into the book I'm currently reading as well. It reminds me of the story "Acceptance Was The Answer" found in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. When emotions arise in me it is about me, some aspect of my past, a fear, an unhealed wound or something like that. The other person, place or thing involved is living their own dream and their emotions and actions are based on their past, fears, and those things. So when they do or don't do something that brings up an emotion in me it is a reminder to me that it is time for me to look within and resolve that issue which is troubling me.

Considering where I am today.....guess it's about time to look within.........I'll let ya know how it turns out.

Dreams and The Book of Law

2007-03-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

I'm starting off today with the Tag I was given by Inmatez Wife: Seven songs I'm into followed by seven people I will Tag....

1. Broken by Scott Stapp
2. Changes by 3 Doors Down
3. Making Love by Amos Lee
4. Do Right Woman, Do Right Man by Aretha Franklin
5. One Last Breath by Creed
6. What If I Stumble by DC Talk
7. How To Save A Life by The Fray

Seven bloggers to tag........Anna; Tab; Judith; Shannon; Cantellya; Grace; Kenny.......

Dreaming is the main function of the mind, and the mind dreams twenty-four hours a day. It dreams when the brain is awake, and it also dreams when the brain is asleep. The difference is that when the brain is a awake, there is a material frame that makes us perceive things in a linear way. When we go to sleep we do not have the frame, and the dream has the tendency to change constantly.....

Attention is the ability we have to discriminate and to focus only on that which we want to perceive. We can perceive millions of things simultaneously, but using our attention, we can hold whatever we want to perceive in the foreground of our mind...

By using our attention we learned a whole reality, a whole dream. We learned how to behave in society: What to believe and what not to believe; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable; what is good and what is God; what is beautiful and what is ugly; what is right and what is wrong...

As children, we didn't have the opportunity to choose our beliefs, but we agreed with the information that was passed to us from the dream of the planet via other humans. The only way to store information is by agreement. The outside dream may hook our attention, but if we don't agree, we don't store that information. As soon as we agree, we bekieve it, and this is called faith. To have faith is to believe unconditionally.....

We punish ourselves when we don't follow the rules according to our belief system...

The belief system is like a Book of Law that rules our mind. Without question, whatever is in the Book of Law, is our truth. We base all of our judgments according to the Book of Law, even if these judgements go against our inner nature....

Whatever goes against the book of Law will make you feel a funny sensation in your solar plexus, and it's called FEAR. Breaking the rules in the Book of Law opens your emotional wounds, and your reaction is to create emotional poison...

Even if the Book of Law is wrong, it makes you feel safe...

Taken from The 4 Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz p 1-11

Spring in the Mountains

2007-03-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

Spent a lovely day in the mountains today. It started out raining and we almost didn't go. I'm so glad we changed our minds and went anyway. We drove and drove......My hunny wondered around looking for mushrooms. I wandered around looking for cool rocks. He didn't find any elusive morels and I didn't find my fairy crosses. But we did find some cool rocks and we saw tons of wild turkey, elk and deer. Along with evidence a moose add been by recently. It was so peaceful and we got to spend some real quality time just talking about life, hopes, dreams, all the stuff we rarely have time for.

The Legend of The Dogwood

2007-03-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

At the time of the crucifixion, the dogwood had reached the size of the mighty oak tree. So strong and firm was the wood that it was chosen as the timber for Jesus' cross.

To be used for such a cruel purpose greatly distressed the dogwood. While nailed upon it, Jesus sensed this, and in his compassion said. "Because of your pity for my suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used for a cross. Henceforth, it shall be slender, bent, and twisted, and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross–two long and two short petals. "

"In the center of the outer edge of each petal will be the print of nails. In the center of the flower, stained with blood, will be a crown of thorns so that all who see it will remember."

by Anonymous

The valley where I work is laden with Dogwoods and they are in full bloom. They are white and pink and beautiful. As I was driven out to get a client today I remembered the legend of the dogwood tree and so I dug it up and decided to post it.....I think I may have posted it once before, but it was on my mind today. So here it is....

Toltec Wisdom

2007-03-21T00:05:00.000-07:00

I started a new book this week and so far it has been great. The book begins with a Toltec ancestor in search of that "something more," in life. One night he has a dream and it became a revelation that changed his life. In the dream he saw the sky and the stars and heard his voice saying, "I am made of light; I am made of stars."

He looked at the stars again, and he realized that it's not the stars that create light but rather the light creates the stars. "Everything is made of light," he said, "and the space in-between isn't empty." And he knew that everything exists in one living being, and that light is the messenger of life, because it is alive and contains all information.

The he realized that although he was made of stars, he was not those stars. "I am the in-between the stars," he thought. So he called the stars the tonal and the light between the stars the nagual, and he knew that what created the harmony and space between the two is Life or Intent. Without Life, tonal and the nagual could not exist. Life is the force of the absolute, the supreme, the Creator who creates everything.

This is what he discovered: Everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God. Everything is God. And he came to the conclusion that human perception in merely light perceiving light. He also saw that matter is a mirror --- everything is a mirror that reflects light and creates images of that light --- and the world of illusion, the Dream, is just like smoke which doesn't allow us to see what we really are. "The real us is pure love, pure light" he said.

This realization changed his life. Once he knew what he really was, he looked around at other humans and the rest of nature, and he was amazed at what he saw. He saw himself in everything --- in every human, in every animal, in every tree, in the water, in the rain, in the clouds, in the earth. And he saw that life mixed the tonal and nagual in different ways to create billions of manifestations of life.

When he returned he tried to tell others, but they could not understand. They could see that he had changed, that something beautiful was radiating from his eyes and his voice. They noticed that he no longer had judgment about anything or anyone. He was no longer like anyone else.

He had discovered that he was a mirror for the rest of people, a mirror in which he could see himself. "Everyone is a mirror."

Taken from The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz, p XV-Xviii

Sorry this was a bit long but I was very touched by it. It so much reminded me of that spiritual awakening I experienced in Alcoholics Anonymous. It continues to grow as I see others come to the rooms, get sober and then experience an awakening themselves. I was also struck by the bit about the mirror. I have been a mirror to my kids that I regret. They have seen things in the mirror no kid should ever see. But I'm also filled with gratitude because the grace freely given me by my Higher Power and the program Alcoholics Anonymous have changed that mirror in ways I never imagined possible. I am proud of the mirror my kids see today and it gets better by the day.

Old Time AA

2007-03-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

I got this in an e-mail from a friend and thought I'd share it with you all!

1.It's not old behavior if I'm still doing it.

2- If you're looking to have an image in AA, look around at the meetings you go to and take a look at whom you're trying to impress.

3- An alcoholic is a person who wants to be held while he's isolating.

4- Sobriety is the leading cause of relapse.

5- A treatment center is where you go and pay $15,000to find out that AA meetings are free.

6- The idea that alcoholics, drug addicts, sexaddicts, overeaters, smokers, etc, etc, should all just go to AA Meetings because a disease, is adisease, is a disease...was started by a treatment center that only had one van.

7- This is a 'One Day at a Time' program. If you are clean and sober today, you are tied for first place in AA.

8- If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy Drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an Alcoholic.

9- I often obsessively pursue feeling good, no matter how bad it makes me feel.

10- When I was new, I didn't think I had any obsessions until I started thinking about it. Then it was all I could think about.

11- How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells,it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

12- From a newcomer reading the 'Promises' for the first time: "We will Comprehend the word cemetery and we will know peace."

13- If God were small enough to be understood, He wouldn't be big enough to be God!

14- If you want to quit drinking; you are going to have to quit drinking.

15-Newcomer: How do I know how many meetings I should attend each week? Old-timer: Gradually cut back until you get drunk. Then you'll know.

16- I would rather go through life sober, believing I am an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to convince myself that I am not an alcoholic.

17- Resentments are like stray cats: if you don't feed them, they'll go Away.

18-The difference between a problem drinker and an Alcoholic is that:
(A)When alcohol is taken away from the problem drinker, the problem goes away.
(B)When alcohol is taken away from the Alcoholic, the problem begins.

19- Before I came into AA, I was dead, but I did no tknow enough to lay down.

20- I drank when I was happy. I drank when I was unhappy. Actually, I am a reason to drink.

21- You don't have to be sick to want to get well. But if you don't want to get well, you ARE sick.

22- I can't do His will my way.

23- In order to change the way we feel we need to change the way we act. There is only one way to coast, and that is down hill.

24- The good news is you get your emotions back; the bad news is you get your emotions back.

25- All we ask is that you completely change your attitude as soon as Possible.

26- I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all.

27-Joy isn't the absence of pain -- it's the presence of God.

Who Am I To Say?

2007-03-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

The skeptic and the agnostic say it is impossible for us to find the answer to life. Many have tried and failed. But many more have put aside intellectual pride and have said to themselves: Who am I to say there is no God? Who am I to say there is no purpose in life? The atheist makes a declaration: "The world originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere." Others live for the moment and do not even think about why they are here or where they are going. They might as well be clams on the bottom of the ocean, protected by their hard shells of indifference. They are going nowhere and they do not care. Do I care where I am going? (Take from Alcoholics Anonymous the chapter to the agnostic)

Sorry I haven't posted in a while and have not visited your blogs in an even longer time. All is well, have just been very busy. With nicer weather we are spending more time outside and less time on the computer. I have thought of all of you often and it is your support that gives me strength, along with my Higher Power. We worked in the yard all weekend and my body is very tired. This weekend was the first real hard labor I have done since surgery and by Sunday evening I knew I did way too much. There is still so much more to do......and it jas been so long since I was able to do any of it, I found it hard to listen to my body and stop when I should have.

This evening we built a nice fire in the firepit we cleaned out this weekend, using firewood from some of the dead tree limbs we fell this weekend. There is something magical about staring into the flames. I was filled with a deep sense of the Higher Power at that moment. I was in my lounge chair (which I also scrubbed down this weekend) with my puppy, my husband in his with the other puppy, a roaring fire, soft music, the stars and the wonderful peach cobbler he made for dessert.......and I was overcome with that feeling of absolute lack of doubt in the existance of a Higher Power. It was a wonderful moment. I am so grateful to God, my family and the fellowship that I will have many more evenings like this. It was something that rarely happened while I was using.....I was passed out before camp fire time.......I am grateful that I can live and enjoy life now instead of missing it go by.

Tag

2007-03-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

Inmatz Wife tagged me!!! I have to list 6 weird things about me. But first the rules according to her: each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly! In the end, you need to choose 3 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment on their blog that says they have been tagged and to tell them to read your blog!

Here goes--6 Weird things about me:
1. I always have to have my socks perfect in my shoes....will take my shoes on and off to get them just right.

2. I substitute generic syrup into the name brand bottle and my husband still doesn't know.

3. My favorite breakfast food is tacos

4. I have to move around until there are no wrinkles in the sheets before I can sleep.

5. I love potato chips in my sandwiches.

6. I can't stand anyone touching me while I'm trying to sleep.

Now, for my turn. Hmmmm, who to tag??

How about Tab, Lushgirl, and J.J.

Acceptance Was The Answer

2007-03-10T15:35:00.000-08:00

Last night's meeting of my home group read the story "Acceptance Was The Answer" found on p. 407 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed. I haven't read that in a while and I need to get back to it. My sponsor used to have me read it often when I was first getting sober. I had forgotten how many tools are to be found in that story. Here are a few that have helped me tremendously:

Live in the solution instead of the problem

When some person,place or thing is bugging me it has nothing to do with that person, place or thing and everything to do with me and my relationship with my Higer Power

I have to accept life on life's terms

If I focus on the good things in the day, my day will be great

my serenity is inversely proportionale to my expectations

Acceptance is the key to my relationship with my Higher Power

I need only do the next right thing in front of me and leave the results to my Higher Power

It was a great meeting and a great reminder to me about where my focus needs to be for the greatest chance of success. I think I'll go back to reading it more often.

Peace

2007-03-06T20:58:00.000-08:00

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Peace

Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.

Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.

Today, I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. I will consciously let go and let God.

This reading really struck me today. I am having a bit of anxiety about the future and trying hard to not let this anxiety, "fear," be the driving force for me right now. A friend told me today.....just relax and let it be and in time the answer will be crystal clear. Then I came home and read this reading and it all made sense. It is in the quiet and peace that God's will and direction will come. When I get caught up in my fear and worry and anxiety I am making it impossible for me to hear God's voice.

Desiderata

2007-03-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember
what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without
surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe;
no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it's clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whateveryou conceive God to be; a
nd whatever your labours and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it's still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

by Max Ehrman, 1927.

Read this again today and it was just what I needed to hear today so I thought I would pass it on......

Expectations and Rewards

2007-02-28T20:07:00.000-08:00

You are reading from the book Twenty Four Hours a Day Hardcover (24 Hours).

A.A. Thought for the Day

Here are answers to the question of how a person can live without liquor and be happy: "The things we put in place of drinking are more than substitutes for it. One is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. In this company, you find release from care, boredom, and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Among other A.A.s you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties." Does life mean something to me now?

Meditation for the Day

Do you want the full and complete satisfaction that you find in serving God and all the satisfactions of the world also? It is not easy to serve both God and the world. It is difficult to claim the rewards of both. If you work for God, you will still have great rewards in the world. But you must be prepared to sometimes stand apart from the world. You cannot always turn to the world and expect all the rewards which life has to offer. If you are trying sincerely to serve God, you will have other and greater rewards than the world as to offer.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may not expect too much from the world. I pray that I may also be content with the rewards that come from serving God.

I went to a meeting tonight and this reading is very similar to the one read at the meeting. The topic talked about how we expected sobriety when we came to this progam, but got something way different. That is so true for me. My expectations of what I would gain from this program have far been exceeded. I have a life now that is beyond anything I imagined possible. It continues to grow and change and I know there are more wonderful things to come. My spiritual growth blossoms everyday and with it come more rewards. These rewards are not material things like those I always thought I wanted.....they are things far better........a release from fear, friendships, peace, serenity, a pathway - guide to live by, family, love, pain, and biggest of all is hope. I have hope in my heart which is something I never dreamed possible. I am filled gratitude today....I owe all this to my Higher Power, and the fellowship with whom I have learned a new way to live.

RIP Jane

2007-02-25T16:55:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I learned that a dear friend.....part of my online"family" passed away suddenly. She was an inspiration to me. She had many health difficulties and was in and out of the hospital frequently in the last year. Despite all that, she never once complained. She was always hopeful, optimistic and joyous. She was a tremendous example of living in the moment, being at peace and being serene. I will miss her. I know she is finally free from this disease. Here are two of the most important folks in her life.....her babies.....

Approval

2007-02-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.
Self-approval

Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others.
Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave us if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we're lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves.

In order to live happily, to live consistently with the way our Higher Power wants us to live, and to tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval. These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our best interest and being true to ourselves.

We can approve of ourselves. In the end, that's the only approval that counts.

Today, I will let go of my need for approval and my need to be liked. I will replace them with a need to like and approve of myself. I will enjoy the surprise I find when I do this. The people who count, including myself, will respect me when I am true to myself.

I have always been one to do things in order to get others to like me. It wasn't until I realized that by being who I am, I'm being the person God intended me to be, that I stopped seeking approval. Although "stopped" is possibly a poor choice of words.......because I doubt I will ever be perfect at it. I am stiving more and more to become the person God wants me to be, and less and less the person I think others want me t0 be. As I do this I am discovering relationhips that reach a level of friendships and intimacy I never thought possible before.

Will Power and Choice

2007-02-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

I attended a meeting this week and the topic was about will power and choice. It was a great meeting. Here are a few thoughts that came out of the meeting. By surrending our will power to a power greater than ourselves we get choices in return. There are several essentials to success, honesty, humility and selfless service. We must remember our powerlessness always. For me I remember my will power got me a seat at AA. The hardest thing for me to remember is that this is a life long journey that takes lots of practice. I learn a new tool and walk out the door expecting to be an expert.....kinda like someone who takes violin lessons for a week and expects orchestras to be calling by weeks end......just doesn't happen. Takes a life time to be accomplished at a skill. The biggest choice I have today is to keep life simple, to stay in the moment and to do the next right thing. If I chose to practice that everyday, life will be good. One member said they felt like life was a three step dance, that the program came to them in threes: I can't, He can, so I'll let Him; Honesty, Openmindedness, Willingness; Discover, Uncover, Recover; name it, claim it, change it; You're Eligable Too; Ass Saving Kit; Group Of Drunks; Good Orderly Direction; and finally...the Unholy Trinity: Me, Myself, and the Great I Am. I'm sure there are a ton more out there. Anyway, it was a powerful meeting for me and I hope I got a few of the highlights out there anyway.

4 Questions

2007-02-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

Now that the drama is over and I'm feeling so much better I had a talk with my bestest friend today. She first asked me about the past two weeks and the things that led me to the slippery slope I found myself on. I listed off a few.....Next she asked me four questions about each situation that I thought I would share. These can become a very valuable tool in the future if I use these four questions. Here's how it goes.....

We took each situation and pulled out the idea or thought behind it that was driving me. Then applied the four questions:

1) Is the thought true?

2) Can I absolutely know it is true?

3) How do I react when I believe the thought?

4) Who would I be without the thought?

With each and everyone I found that I could not say that the thought was absolutely true, there was always an element of doubt. In every situation I found that I was hanging onto a fear and trying to control the situation. In every situation I found that had I have the question and turned it over to God, relying on faith rather than being driven by fear, I could have enjoyed life the past two weeks instead of being filled with worry. The worry was wasted energy spent on trying to control that which i had no control over. Spelled out like this it looked so simple.....don't know why sometimes it is so hard for me to get the simple things in life.

Thanks so much for all the help Mable...you are the bestest!

Autonomy

2007-02-18T12:30:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Touchstones.

It's hard for me to keep my emotions inside. I want to express them now. That's what a team is all about.--Earvin "Magic" Johnson

We become part of a team in this program. That's why all the Steps are written with the word we rather than I. We cannot fully surrender to renewal simply by reading about it, hearing about it, or thinking about it. We become participants, members, and peers. We go to meetings and express the details of our lives, and we learn from the stories of others. In our relationships we learn to let our emotions out.

When we say, "He's hard to get to know," we are talking about someone who doesn't show feelings. Team members express their feelings to build a bond between themselves and gain a familiarity with each other. A man may say, "I'm the sort of guy who doesn't do well in groups," or "I'm not the type to express my feelings." But for the sake of recovery, we must endure the awkwardness of learning new things. On this recovery team it is all right to come just the way we are, awkwardness and all.

Today, I will not hold back my emotions. I will let people know me.

This reading really hit home with me, especially in light of my week. I have not been real forth coming about sharing my feelings with my team. It seems somehow easier to share them here where it is sort of anonymous or even with my best friend, who is a tremendous help, but is not looking me in the face everyday. The people on my team who can really help me and that I can really help, such as my sponsor, my husband, my home group, my sponsee, those are the folks I have been reserved with of late. This past week has been a difficult one and maybe it needed not have been so difficult if I was doing my job on the team.

So yesterday, even though I did not want to, I drove the two hours up highway 12 along the river into the mountains to meet up with my sponsor at the Annual Friends of Bill Winter Retreat at the Lewis & Clark Resort. It was sunny and beautiful. I stopped many times along the way soaking in the beauty of God's world all around me, letting the sun shine on my face. When I arrived I actually drove right to where my sponsor was.....divine guidance I'm sure....thought I would have to wander to find her. We spent the day together. We went to meetings and workshops and a potluck dinner and speakers meeting. We spent hours talking about life and reading from the Big Book and the 12 X 12 and ACIM. Essentially I spent the day inviting her into my recovery in a way that we could become a team. I have been hesitant to do that and it has cost me dearly. I even got to spend part of the evening with her sponsor Pat, whom I had heard lots about but never met before. I also got to see and share with other members of my home group the things that have been going on in my life so that once agian we can all help each other out. I got home way too late last night and I have been draggin butt all day (might be a two nap day today). But it was worth it. I made a huge step toward recovery this weekend. Now I just have to trust in God that I will be where I am meant to be by the end of this next week, and the consequences of my actions will be what they are suppose to be.....thanks to all for sharing your experience, strength and hope along the way and being a part of my TEAM!

Strength in God

2007-02-16T21:06:00.000-08:00

If you are trusting in your own strength, you have every reason to be apprehensive, anxious and fearful. What can you predict or control? What is there in you that can be counted on? What would give you the ability to be aware of all the facets of any problem, and to resolve them in such a way that only good can come of it? What is there in you that gives you the recognition of the right solution, and the guarantee that it will be accomplished?

Of yourself you can do none of these things. To believe that you can is to put your trust where trust is unwarranted, and to justify fear, anxiety, depression, anger and sorrow. Who can put his faith in weakness and feel safe? Yet who can put his faith in strength and feel weak?

God is your safety in every circumstance. His Voice speaks for Him in all situations and in every aspect of all situations, telling you exactly what to do to call upon His strength and His protection. There are no exceptions because God has no exceptions.....

....There is a place in you where there is perfect peace. There is a place in you where nothing is impossible. There is a place in you where the strength of God abides.

ACIM Lesson 47

I was on my way to work today......ranting and raving about all the things I had control over. My bestest friend Anna just listened politely and asked me....have you read the lesson for the day? Of course I had not. I went onto work and took care of the amends that my sponsor suggested I needed to do in order to clean up my side of the street from earlier this week. I did that, which was by no means an easy thing, and has put my job at risk. On the way to meet with my sponsor, I called Anna again to let her know how my morning went. She had grown impatient with me by then and read the lesson of the day to me.....Man did it hit me right square between the eyes. If my strength had been in the my Higher Power this week I wouldn't be in the mess I am in. However, I have taken the action necessary to fix this, I have a plan in place and if I place my strength in my Higher Power now it will be okay. My Ego screamed so loud the last few days and made it nearly impossible for me to take the actions necessary to fix this mess. That is exactly what this reading is talking about.......I can trust in a Power greater than myself.....or I can let fear and ego guide me. Today I chose a Higher Power.

Thanks for all your experience, strength, hope, patience and friendship Mable. I am happy that I can offer so much humor to your day!

Help Yourself

2007-02-16T05:24:00.000-08:00

I got this poem at group last night and thought it was a perfect Friday messsage:

If you are down,

Just look around.

Look in the sky:

There's a bird that can fly!

Or when you feel low

Look out your window,

See the rain

Trickle out your pain.

If you get depressed,

Maybe get dressed;

What you wear

Can help you face fear.

When things get confusing,

Do something amusing,

Like stand on your head

Or jump on your bed.

There's many ways

To get through hard days.

Whether you're a girl or boy.

Just find what you enjoy.

Jesse's Day

2007-02-14T00:09:00.000-08:00

It is hard for me to believe that today marks the fifth anniversary of your death. It feels like only yesterday for me. The love for you in my heart has grown everyday. The journey life has taken me on thus far has been intense. Many highs and many lows, but with God's help and the strength and pure love you have taught me, I continue to grow and move forward along the path. I am reminded of a quote I found, "over every mountain there is a path, although it may not be seen from the valley," by James Robert. This has been so true. That day when I received the news that you were never going to take a breath in this world, but pass straight to the next I found myself empty and bewildered in that valley. I could see no way out. With the help of a Power greater than myself and the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous I have found the path out of that valley. It will take a life time along this path to climb that mountain. There have been times when the path is wide and easy to follow and times when the path seems to completely disappear. It is during those times that I have remembered your strength and reached for all the helping hands extended my way.

Today, I remember your strength, your ultimate sacrifice and love. I renew my commitment to remaining sober as my amends to you. I thank you for watching over us all this past year. Thank you for teaching me the gift of ultimate love and sacrifice. I hold you in my heart today and everyday. I love you little man. Godspeed. Sweet dreams.

More About Alcoholism

2007-02-12T19:10:00.000-08:00

The book Alcoholics Anonymous tells us in the chapter, "More About Alcoholism," that there will come a time when there is nothing between me and a drink but a power greater than me.

The book says, ".....They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow....."

A bit later it says this, "....The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (Big Book p42-43).

I have read this a million times, my sponsor has said it a million times, I've heard it in meetings, and yet I was shocked when it happened today. I was having a good day. Although I have said many times in the last week that I don't ever want to go through that stuff again, I was having no thoughts of using whatever. I excused myself to use the restroom.......as I locked the door behind me there was no thought whatever into what happened next. I came to a few moments later with four bottles of narcotics, stolen from a medicine cabinet, on the counter. I was in the process of deciding exactly how many I would skim off each bottle. At that very moment I heard a voice in my mind. The voice was very familiar as it was that of a friend with whom I had had a conversation about relapse with just hours before. The voice said, "think it through to the end, what are the consequences?" At that very moment I recognized that the voice I was hearing was that of my Higher Power and that the strength to get through this moment was being given to me. All I had to do was grab onto it. It really scared the shit out of me. I had put no more thought into what I was doing than one would by walking out to the mailbox and back. I had no mental defense what so ever. I chose to listen to that voice....I put those bottles away as fast as I could and got out of there. I was thanking God every step of the way. It was a powerful lesson for me about exactly how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease really is. I am grateful for the gift of sobriety I have been graced with today.

The Right Path

2007-02-11T00:04:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Twenty Four Hours a Day Hardcover (24 Hours).

A.A. Thought for the Day

We come now to A.A. fellowship. It is partly group therapy. It is partly spiritual fellowship. But it is even more. It is based on a common illness, a common failure, a common problem. It goes deep down into our personal lives and our personal needs. It requires a full opening up to each other of our inmost thoughts and most secret problems. All barriers between us are swept aside. They have to be. Then we try to help each other get well. The A.A. fellowship is based on a sincere desire to help each other get well. The A.A. fellowship is based on a sincere desire to help the other person. In A.A. we can be sure of sympathy, understanding and real help. These things make the A.A. fellowship the best that we know. Do I fully appreciate the depth of the A.A. fellowship?

Meditation for the Day

The Higher Power can guide us to the right decisions if we pray about them. We can believe that many details of our lives are planned by God and planned with a wealth of forgiving love for the mistakes we have made. We can pray today to be shown the right way. We can choose the good, and when we choose it, we can feel that the whole power of the universe is behind us. We can achieve a real harmony with God's purpose for our lives.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may choose aright today. I pray that I may be shown the right way to live today.

I am experiencing growing pains right now. Lots of change is happening, more is being revealed, and the pains of moving toward healing are with me. It is difficult to see the path right now. I am relying on prayer and the guidance of a Higher Power and my fellowship right now. I have that knot in my stomach and that feeling that I want to run. They are not overwhelming me however. I have a sense of calm despite all that. I have a feeling this time that hasn't been there much in the past. That feeling is a sense of strength, of knowing that it will be okay and the path will appear eventually.....in the meantime I will have plenty of help along the way. It is strange to be here, as it is very unfamiliar, yet it is a relief to be able to make a choice to rely on my faith instead of letting fear be my guide.

Humilty

2007-02-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

I heard a definition for humility that I really liked at my home group meeting this week. It goes like this....humility is not thinking less of myself, but thinking about myself less. I'm sure that isn't new to many of you, but it was new to me. It made a lot of sense. By not thinking less of myself it tells me that it is necessary and appropriate to take care of myself and my needs. The final part of that definition says that after I have met my needs for growth and sustinance that I turn my thoughts and energy to the service of God and others. In theory it sounds so simple.....in reality my ego and impulse control sabatoge this plan on a regular basis. At least now I have a plan, a goal to work towards.

Hope

2007-02-08T22:38:00.000-08:00

Hope

If you can look at the sunset and smile,
then you still have hope.

If you can find beauty in the colors of a small flower,
then you still have hope.

If you can find pleasure in the movement of a butterfly,
then you still have hope.

If the smile of a child can still warm your heart,
then you still have hope.

If you can see the good in other people,
then you still have hope.

If the rain breaking on a roof top can still lull you to sleep,
then you still have hope.

If the sight of a rainbow still makes you stop and stare in wonder,
then you still have hope

If the soft fur of a favored pet still feels pleasant under your fingertips, then you still have hope.

If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism,
then you still have hope.

If you give people the benefit of a doubt,
then you still have hope.

If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that have touched
your life, then you still have hope.

If receiving an unexpected card or letter still brings a pleasant surprise, then you still have hope.

If the suffering of others still fills you with pain and frustration,
then you still have hope.

If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end,
then you still have hope.

If you look forward to a time or place of quiet and reflection,
then you still have hope.

If you still buy the ornaments, put up the Christmas tree or cook the turkey, then you still have hope.

If you still watch love stories or want the endings to be happy,
then you still have hope.

If you can look to the past and smile,
then you still have hope.

If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile,
you can still look up and end the conversation with the phrase... "yeah....BUT.." then you still have hope.

Hope is such a marvelous thing.
It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides,
but rarely does it break.
It sustains us when nothing else can.
It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead,
when we tell ourselves we'd rather give in.

Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage.
Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it.
Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction.
Hope is a wonderful thing, something to be cherished and nurtured, and something that will refresh us in return. And it can be found in each of us, and it can bring light into the darkest of places.

Never lose hope.

Author Unknown

Had a group therapy session tonight and the topic was self blame, guilt and shame. It was a very intense session and very emotional for me. I was given this poem at the end of the time and it was just what I needed to hear. I was feeling pretty down. That is my ego. When I got quiet in order to hear the God voice deep down inside I was reminded of all the work that has been done. I have come along way and it is time to stop beating myself up and do some self-care.

Give what you would want to recieve

2007-02-06T22:00:00.000-08:00

You are reading from the book Today's Gift.

Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.--Madeline Bridges

Sometimes we feel lazy or bored, and then we don't do our best work. Maybe our writing becomes hard to read, or we miss a porch when delivering newspapers. Perhaps we are daydreaming instead of listening closely to what a friend is trying to tell us. When we are not really paying attention to our activities or the people around us, we'll likely miss out on something important because we do receive in equal measure what we give. And this truth works in every aspect of our lives.

When we treat our friends, our families, even people we don't know well with kindness, we'll experience kindness in return. Our own actions and attitudes toward others are what we can expect from others as well.

How can I increase the kindness in the world today?

This has proven so true for me over and over again. When I wake up and start my day off with negative thinking and dread everything I have to get through.......the day seems to last forever and every possible problem know to man will happen to me. When I approach the day from the prespective of gratitude for another day alive and sober, that I get to go out and do some more of God's work......the day seems to fly by and things seem to go wnderfully. There are always tragedies or problems that pop into our lives here and there, but if I am in a positive frame of mind and relying on my Higher Power, then they are just minor problems that together we cn over come. Hope you all have a day filled with gratitude and happiness.

Fantasies and Reality

2007-02-05T21:42:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning.

Destruction. Crashing realities exploding in imperfect landings. Ouch. It's my heart that's breaking, for these have been my fantasies and my world.--Mary Casey

We frequently aren't given what we want--whether it's a particular job, a certain relationship, a special talent. But we are always given exactly what we need at the moment. None of us can see what tomorrow is designed to bring, and our fantasies are always tied to a future moment. Our fantasies seldom correlate with the real conditions that are necessary to our continued spiritual growth.

Fantasies are purposeful. They give us goals to strive for, directions to move in. They are never as far-sighted as the goals our higher power has in store for us, though. We have far greater gifts than we are aware of, and we are being pushed to develop them at the very times when it seems our world is crashing down.

We can cherish our fantasies--but let them go. Our real purpose in life far exceeds our fondest dreams. The Steps have given us the tools to make God's plan for us a reality.

How limited is my vision, my dreams. If one of mine is dashed today, I will rest assured that an even better one will present itself, if I but let it.

This reminds me of a song about unanswered prayers. So many times I have been so dissappointed when things didn't turn out the way I wanted or the way I planned. In the end something totally different and usually better came in the place of what I wanted. I have often set myself up for failure by planning outcomes. This never works. Life works much better if I make simple plans and leave the outcomes to my Higher Power. My job is to stay in the moment and do the next right thing. When I am successful with that life works out better and I am able to enjoy and live life to the fullest.

Mindfulness

2007-02-04T10:35:00.000-08:00

Mindfulness is not just a word or a discourse by the Buddha, but a meaningful state of mind. It means we have to be here now, in this very moment, and we have to know what is happening internally and externally. It means being alert to our motives and learning to change unwholesome thoughts and emotions into wholesome ones. Mindfulness is a mental activity that in due course eliminates all suffering.-Ayya Khema,

This is a tool I practice often. Being in the moment is an essential tool in my recovery. It is the only thing that is real, the right here, right now. Life has no gaureentees, this breath very well may be my last. If I live waiting for moments to come I will miss the beauty God has placed right before me right now. For me living is about living each moment to the fullest. In this way the chances of being overwhelmed by anyone one thing are minimal. I am not hampered by the past or anxious of the future because I'm concentrating on right here, right now.

Take Care of My Side of The Street

2007-02-01T08:42:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Today's Gift.

Endurance is nobler than strength, and patience than beauty.--John Ruskin

It's hard to keep from trying to control the lives of others, especially in a family. We can learn from the man whose friend drove twenty miles to and from work on the freeway every day. "How can you do it?" he asked. "I've tried, and I can't go a mile in such traffic without screaming at the crazy drivers who cut in, go too slow, change lanes. Nobody listens. I'd lose my mind if I had to do it your way." His friend replied, "Your trouble is trying to drive every car around you. I relax and drive only one car--my own."

We have only our own lives to live, and this is usually enough to keep us busy. If we pay too much attention to how others live, we will neglect ourselves.

What acts of others can I ignore today?

Man this is such a struggle for me right now. My kids are nearly grown and I am having to learn new roles as a parent. It is a struggle for me to know what I need to do as a parent and when to let go and let them live their own lives. The only way I am and can get through this is talking to God.....but it's more than just talking. I need to get quiet and listen too. The answers will come if I take the time to do that. Training the mind to listen for that voice, that God conscience is something that I feel will be a life long lesson. I am finding the more I let go and wait for an answer, the easier they seem to come. Now if I can only remember to do that in those moments when they push my buttons and I get all worked up.

Letting Go

2007-01-28T16:30:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning.

It's astonishing in this world how things don't turn out at all the way you expect them to!--Agatha Christie

Probably every day of our lives, a plan goes awry. Often we have counted heavily on a particular outcome. We generally assume we have all things under control and know exactly what's best for us, and everyone else as well. But such is not the case. There is a bigger picture than the one we see. The outcome of that picture is out of our hands.

Our vision is limited, and again divinely so. However, we are able to see all that we need to see, today. And more important, if we can trust our inner guidance regarding the events of today, we'll begin to see how each day fills in a shade more of the bigger picture of our lives. In retrospect we can see how all events have contributed, in important ways, to the women we are becoming. Where today's events are leading we can't know, for certain, but we can trust the divine plan.

I will anticipate with faith what lies ahead today. All experiences carry me forward to fulfill my goal in life. I will be alert for the nudge.

This was the perfect reading for me today. The last four days have been all about plans going awry. First my son got sick and now my husband is sick as well. That has added many changes. They were diagnosed with the influenza virus. They have had high fevers and not really able to do much of anything. I have been picking up the slack at home and I worked 8 extra hours at work this week. All of this combined for lots of plans changing. The extra hours and work meant more paperwork than usual and less time to completed it as well. Despite all this I managed to have a wonderful weekend and got all the things I needed to get done completed. I did this by relying on the strength of my Higher Power and doing it one next right thing at a time. This program really works if I only step back and let it.

18 Months

2007-01-26T07:53:00.000-08:00

Today makes 18 months clean and sober! Thanks to all of you who have offered a helping hand, support, and company as I trudge the road of happy destiny.

What Is Love?

2007-01-23T08:45:00.000-08:00

I am reading an old classic right now, "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D. This book has a very interesting definition of love. It has gotten me thinking about relationship I have and those I had. There are many where the word love has been used, but based on this new definition there was no love at all. It has given me new insight into what contitutes a healthy relationship. The definition Scott Peck gives reads: "The will to extend one's self for thepurpose of nuturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Using that definition love becomes an action rather than a feeling. When I reflected on relationships and compared them to this definition I could honestly say that there have beena and still are relationships where I would have said love existed but really does not. The relationship with my husband and kids have taken on new meaning and I can honestly say that love exists in these realtionships.

Optimism

2007-01-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

Taken from the book: A Moment To Reflect: Letting Go by Veronica Ray

It may be hard for us to let go of other people and their problems if we fear terrible things will happen, or if we feel our worry and interference are holding another person's life together.

But if we trust our Higher Power, we can begin to assume that all will be well. We can let go, knowing that whatever happens will be God's will. We can accept that God knows better than we do.

We may say we trust God, but we don't trust other people. But what others choose to do is not our responsibility. It is between them and their Higher Power. We are only trying to control things we can never control when we worry about them. Optimism means letting go of worry about the future. The future is in God's hands, and there's no better place for it to be.

This has been on my mind this weekend. I have no control over other peoples choices and lives. My kids are reaching, ir have reached the age where it is time for them to walk their own paths in life and make their own choices. It is difficult to let go and let that happen. I have spent their lives taking care of them and keeping them safe and now it is time for them to take care of themselves. It has given me a new found respect for my own parents. I sure as hell made lots of choices that were out right failures and led to placing myself in dangerous situations. My parents had to let that happen. I am in the place I al today because of the path I have walked. This path has caused pain and harm to others but there is nothing they could have said or sone to change the path I chose. So all I can do is let go and trust that they each find their own path safely. There will be mistakes to be made but they must make them and learn from them just as I did. By placing my trust in God and provided love and support to the best of my ability I know that when it's all said and done....all will be well.

Daily Goals

2007-01-17T18:30:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Today's Gift.

Something can't happen every day. You get up, go to work, come back, eat again, enjoy some leisure, go back to bed. Now that's plenty for most folks.--Ntozake Shange

When we were all little kids, before we started school, the days felt so long it seemed like we had time for everything.

But when we started school, we had to start living by the clock, and in this way, we became very grown up. Sometimes we feel angry about living by the clock, all of us who are first grade and older! But there are things we can do to help us live with these limits.

First, we can learn to set a goal for each day, and once we have reached that goal--whether it's doing spelling homework, mopping the floor, or writing three business letters--we can announce to whoever happens to be around, "Now that I've completed that, I don't have to worry about one more thing to feel worthwhile."

Second, we can believe what we said! We can relax, do something fun, enjoy the pleasures that the day offers.

Needed to read this today. I'm beginning to think that I am addicted to chaos. I can so easily take a perfectly good day and completely fuck it up all by myself. My sponsor has told me for years that my troubles are mostly of my own making.....and it is so true. The bottom line is I don't want to live like this anymore.....I have also been told that when the pain is bad enough I will take the actions necessary to change things. Well I'm at that point......so now I must figure out what action is necessary to change things. For tonight I am starting with prayer, a call to my sponsor and a meeting with her. That is the next right action and I will figure out the rest after I get through that.

Two Alternatives

2007-01-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were,we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution.We were in a position where life was becoming impossible,and if we had passed into the regionfrom which there is no return through human aid,we had but two alternatives.One was to go on to the bitter end,blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situationas best we could, and the other,to accept spiritual help.This we did because we honestly wanted to,and were willing to make the effort. c. 1976, 2001AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 25-6

This was the topic from a meeting I attended last night and it was a great discussion and a great reminder of just how high the stakes are for me. I have been getting a but squirrly lately, as I have several issues I am dealing with. It would be so easy to let those things become larger than they need to be and push myself closer to the edge. Last night I was reminded that the important thing is that choice......accept spiritual help or die. I am only one drink from death, but I have the opportunity to remain 12 steps away from that drink if I accept that help. Seems like a simple choice.....Not always an easy one. Most important for me right now are a few simple priciples.....

Stay in the moment

Maintain my spiritual condition

Keep my issues right sized

Stay connected: to my God, my honesty, my heart, and my fellowship

So for today I started with meditation, prayer for strength and guidance, got an orange, and siuted up and showed up to do the next right task before me.

The Key of Faith

2007-01-14T19:36:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Twenty Four Hours a Day Hardcover (24 Hours).

A.A. Thought for the Day

Unless we have the key of faith to unlock the meaning of life, we are lost. We do not choose faith because it is one way for us, but because it is the only way. Many have failed and will fail. For we cannot live victoriously without faith; we are at sea without a rudder or an anchor, drifting on the sea of life. Wayfarers without a home. Our souls are restless until they find rest in God. Without faith, our lives are a meaningless succession of unrelated happenings, without rhyme or reason. Have I come to rest in faith?

Meditation for the Day

This vast universe around us, including this wonderful earth on which we live, was once perhaps only a thought in the mind of God. The nearer the astronomers and the physicists get to the ultimate composition of all things, the nearer the universe approaches a mathematical formula, which is thought. The universe may be the thought of the Great Thinker. We must try to think God's thoughts after Him. We must try to get guidance from the Divine Mind as to what His intention is for the world and what part we can have in carrying out that intention.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may not worry over the limitations of my human mind. I pray that I may live as though my mind were a reflection of the Divine Mind.

This reading was ine I needed to hear today. With faith all things are possible.....or at least that is what I keep getting told anyway. I am praying for the willingness to rely on that faith right now. It's easy to say I'm relying on faith when things are great, but it gets harder when there are bumps in the road. My mind is full of limitations and the secret is to get beyind my mind. My mind is what landed my butt in a seat at Alcoholics Anonymous and it is my Higher Power that freed me from that hell. So I am reading that little note I wrote myself that hangs on my mirror..."Rex, this is God, I don't need your help today, but thanks for asking." His will today...not mine.....arrrrg.

Letting God

2007-01-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

Trusting our Higher Power helps us to let go of controlling thoughts and behaviors. We can't choose what's best for others. Only God can do that. When we let go, we can remember that whatever happens is in God's hands.

Taken from the book: A Moment to Reflect: Letting Go

We may be tempted to judge others, but we can stop ourselves by remembering to trust our Higher Power. We can accept that we don't understand everything and we don't have to. We can let God take over.

"Letting God" means letting go of our judgments. It is not up to us to involve ourselves in others' problems and choices. That's not why we're here. Whatever happens in other people's lives is between them and their Higher Power. We can concentrate on our own lives and responsibilities, our own growth and spirituality. That's enough for each of us to handle.

This is so true for me. My own life and responsiblities, my own spiritual growth is enough for me to handle. There are days when I can barely handle that. I have been told lots of times that God will not give me more than I can handle. The thing is, when I forget to ask for help and lean on that help it is to much. I must also remember that I am not responsible, nor can I control anyine elses feelings, thoughts, beliefs or actions. That is a tough one. I give it to God, but I take it back and it never works. Guess it's a good day if the time between giving it to God and taking it back increases.

Progress not Perfection

2007-01-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

I had a very long weekend, but it's all good. When I went to treatment there was a councelor there who always said that, "It's all good!" It used to drive me nuts......nothing in my life was all good. He would take any negative garbage I dished out and turn it into a postive. I hated that guy....but a funny think happened since that Jan. three years ago. I get it now, it is all good. Now I find myself doing the very same thing over and over, and I love that guy. Maybe someday I will find a way to thank him.

Anyway, back to the weekend. I am inspired by a quote I have: "The good news is that the bad news can be turned into good news when you change your attitude." By Robert H. Schuller. I have some stuff going on in my life right now that could easily bog me down. I spent the weekend trying to just sit quietly and listen for that voice that I know is my Higher Power. I am placing my trust in him on this one. In the words of the Master Jedi Yoda, "Do or do not. There is no try," I need now to do the next right thing in front of me to do. When I'm done with that, I will pray and do the next right thing. That is how I will solve this problem.

It is the only way I know how to do it. All the ways I tried didn't work, but this way has worked for lots of people I know and I have faith that it can work for me too. I am working hard on the next part as well......not planning the outcome. Whatever happens will be okay. I will be okay no matter what happens. I'm relying on that old proverb....set if freem if it is meant to be it will come back to you. Thanks to all of you have affored your suppost it means the world to me. In the end if I try to the best of my ability to do what is God's will in my life and I know it will "be all good."

Defects or Weakness?

2007-01-05T08:22:00.000-08:00

The last 48 hours have been a huge lesson on ego for me. I have been acting in a certain way for twenty some years now for the sole purpose of making another person happy. All along I never seen this as a choice or a negative thing. Upon further refelction it is really about being loved and accepted more so than about pleasing that person. Yesterday I found myself at a place where I was feeling pretty defeated. So I made some phone calls, did some praying and some reading. I have always seen this other person as a weakness. It was pointed out today that that weakness is in reality a defect. I am not being honest to myself or relying on God's strength if I am taking action in order to please another person.

There is a section on the Big Book I like that goes like this: "I found everything I had ever looked for in Alcoholics Anonymous. I used to thank God for putting A.A. in my life, now I thank A.A. for putting God in my life. I found my tribe, the social architecture that fulfills my every need for comaraderie and conviviality. I learned how to live. When I asked how I could find self-esteem, you told me, "by doing worthwhile acts!" You explained the Big Book had no chapter titled "Into Thinking" or "Into Feeling", only "Into Action." p. 336 Alcoholics Anonymous

My best friend explained it best this morning by saying, "It's always about action....esteem comes from esteemable acts....so in the end I can blame, twist, hide, change all the words I want, but in the end it's me that has to get honest and take action." So honesty begins with admitting and accepting that in fact my so called "weakness" is truly a defect of character which must be handled according to the book. I need to further more take actions that change things in my life so that I no longer allow these same things to occur. By doing that I will gain esteem, peace and happiness. I need to place my security in God, not in other people.

Tall order.......but after some necessary prayer, I'm off to take some action!

Patience

2007-01-03T20:00:00.000-08:00

Taken from the book: A Moment to Reflect: Patience by Veronica Ray

We choose to be either patient or impatient many times each day. We have to wait for people, computers, traffic lights, and the preparation of food. Impatience doesn't make us feel better. It only makes us nervous, angry, and unable to enjoy ourselves.

We learn patience by practicing. When we drive up to a flashing light at a railroad crossing, instead of turning around and finding another route, we can wait. We can turn off the engine, relax, think, pray, look around, or listen to music. We can watch as children do, wondering what's inside the boxcars, noticing signs of where they're going. A quiet moment like this won't spoil our day or destroy our schedule. It just might help us, refresh us, calm us down, and remind us to be patient.

This hit me right between the eyes today. It was my second day back to work and by noon I was pooped. I found myself being very impatient with everything and then I started slipping into those old negative thinking patterns. I came across this reading on my afternoon break......Just goes to show that if you ask for help, the answer will be revealed to you. I stopped by a meeting on my way home from work and heard a very similar story as this one. Being back at work right now is a huge lesson in patience. My body will heal when its ready to heal and not a moment sooner. I am learning more and more everyday about all the things I have been taking for granted my whole life. As I am on my way to bed tonight I am grateful to be where I am today. I have been blessed with so many opportunities. I am especially grateful to have choices today that didn't exisit before. I can chose whether I will approach life with patience and absorbe all that each moment has to give or I can approach my day with impatience and miss all the beautiful things life has to give.

Closure

2007-01-02T19:30:00.000-08:00

How long did it take Rhonda to figure out we can't fix a broken something simply by replaxing it with something else? A replaced thing is still a broken thing! When you discover that something is broken, you must determine the cause of the break. In order to do that, you must open the thing, examine it, and find the origin of the break or malfunction. Once that is done, you must make a determination as to whether or not the thing is worth fixing. If you determine that the fixing is worth the effort, it must be done carefully. If, on the other hand, you decided that the thing is not worth fixing, you must get rid of it. You must throw it away, clean the place it once occupied, and when you are ready, find a suitable replacement. This is called "closure." It is a prerequisite to healing.

Taken From "Yesterday, I Cried" by Iyanla Vanzant

My first day back to work after surgery today. I'm absolutely exhausted. I am also very grateful today too. Seeing how much work it was to work today made me grateful for those wonderful days of walking on my own two feet. My condition is temporary and I'm very grateful for that. I'm grateful that I have a job that affords me the luxury of having time off for repairs and healing. This reading fits nicely with where I am today. I had to determine if it was worth the time, pain, and effort to fix these messed up knees and then move forward. For a long time I have put the decision off and things have only gotten worse. Once I finally made the decision and took care of the footwork I can begin the healing process. In the end I know I will feel so much better. Just have to get through these tough days......by taking one step at a time, one moment at a time, and life will be good.

Anna's Anniversary

2007-01-01T02:30:00.000-08:00

It's Anna's 11th Anniversary today. Stop over and wish her a wonderful day! Her link is over on the right under places I visit.

Welcome 2007

2006-12-31T12:41:00.000-08:00

This has been a year of much growth and change. There have been happy times, sad times, easy changes and difficult ones too. I wouldn't change it for the world. Even the places where I made mistakes, were places that I have learned so much. Each day is a new opportunity. I deal with a disease who has one goal and that is to kill me. Therefor I must start each day with Honesty, Open mindedness, and Willingness and live it one moment at a time, to the fullest. That is the only way to conquer it. Thanks to each of you for all your help and guidance along the way. Inevitable, when I am struggling I will find the answer on the words one of you has posted on your page. That is the voice of God working through us all, to help us succeed. I wish you all a wonderful new journey in the coming year.....One Day At A Time. Love you all.

WE DRANK FOR

2006-12-28T17:30:00.000-08:00

We drank for happiness and became unhappy.

We drank for joy and became miserable.

We drank to be outgoing and became self-centered.

We drank for sociability and became argumentative.

We drank for sophistication and became crude and obnoxious.

We drank for friendship and made enemies.

We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.

We drank for strength and felt weak.

We drank for sex drive and lost our potency.

We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.

We drank for confidence and became doubtful.

We drank for warmth and lost our cool.

We drank for coolness and lost our warmth.

We drank for freedom and became slaves.

We drank for power and were powerless.

We drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self-pity.

We drank medicinally and acquired health problems.

We drank because the job called for it and lost the job.

We drank to make conversation and slurred our words.

We drank to feel heavenly and knew hell.

We drank to forget and were haunted.

We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.

We drank to cope with life and invited death.

Author Unknown

Got this from my dear friend Ray. Thought I would pass it on to you folks. This poem really resembled me anyway.

Respect for Differences

2006-12-27T15:45:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Touchstones.

It is not a question of how a husband and wife can be equal and alike. But rather, it is a problem of how a couple can be equal and different--Pierre Mornell

In seeking closeness with loved ones, we have often made the mistake of looking only for similarities. Although common ground helps understanding, we must learn how to get close to others by "borrowing their eyes and ears." We expand our understanding of others by accepting that what we see, hear, think, and feel will not be exactly what anyone else does. We can deepen our relationships by exchanging our experiences with others.

We don't have to agree on everything. Simply learning about each other's differences and letting each other know that we hear and understand will create a feeling of intimacy.

I will be receptive and appreciate differences in those I love.

This moring was talking to a friend about how very different my husband and I are.....then came across this reading. God sends ya what you need. Just have to keep your eyes open so you see it. This really hit home. Living with that man for going on 22 years now has really taught me about respecting the differences in others. It was something I buried for a while when I was using. Thanks to sobriety and AA it has come back to life. There are son many things he does that he does that are so very wrong in my opinion but I have learned to respect that those are his beliefs and I love him inspite of the differences. In the program I have learned to concentrate on the positives rather then the negatives. That pricipal has carried over into my everyday and the people with whom I cross paths with. When I am looking for the positive I am looking for the message God wants me to here. There is a lesson, message, or gift to be found in every person I encounter and that is because I have respect for the differences, but look for the positives.

All is Well

2006-12-26T02:15:00.000-08:00

Today's Thought

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning.

Across the fields I can see the radiance of your smile and I know in my heart you are there. But the anguish I am feeling makes the distance so very far to cross.--Deidra Sarault

Looking down the hallway of our lives, we sense many uncomfortable corners. And they are there. But through the discomfort comes the ease of understanding. The security that we long for, we discover has been ours all along. All we needed to do was move into the corner--with trust.

As we stand before any problems, any new task, any unfamiliar environment, dread may overwhelm us. We stand there alone. But the choice available to us now and always is to invite the spirit of God to share the space we're in. In concert with God's Spirit, no problem or task can be greater than our combined abilities to handle it.

Our lives will be eased in direct proportion to our faith that God is there, caring for our every concern, putting before us the experiences we need to grow on. We can let go of our anguish, our doubts and fears. Eternal triumph is ours for the asking.

The smiling faces I encounter today--I will let them assure me that all is well.

Christmas was wonderful. The only thing missing were the folks I wish I lived closer to so that we could celebrate together. I was longing for that, yet I knew that we were together in spirit and we did get to speak via the phone. I knew all was well. We had an awesome dinner and celebrated with family and friends. The best part of the day for me was the true compassion and spirit of my kids, as they each invited a friend who was alone for the holiday to join in our celebration. That was a reassurance to me that a power greater than me had been working in my life all along and I had simply been unaware of it. Despite my lack of presence and parenting during the years I was using they still learned valuable lessons about life and kindness. That could only have come from a power greater than us. It was a late night, infact into the 26th before we retired. The house is not quiet but it is a wonderful noise I hear as the celebrating continues with a room full of 16ish year old boys playing video games downstairs. I have to admit that although there were many struggles and many failures, the year 2006 was a success because there was much progress. The book tells me that it is progress, not perfect that carries me along the road towards happy destiny. I hope those who were not near enough to celebrate with us add an equally good to me as we did on Christmas.

Saturday Gratitude

2006-12-23T10:38:00.000-08:00

I woke up today to snow gently but steadily falling outside. Other than the fact I seem to be catching a cold I am filled with gratitude today. So I thought I would make a list so I can remember it on those hard to get through days:

I am grateful for a white Christmas

I am grateful for my family as we learn and grow together

I am grateful for a Higher Power in my life

I am grateful for support from work coming to me

I am grateful for the support I get from my home group

I am grateful for those whom my I met everyday, that my Higher Power sends to give me a message

I am grateful for "enough" of all the things I need

I am grateful for being half way through the first phase of recovery with no complications

I am grateful for the tools I have been given so that I may grow closer to my Higher Power and be of service to others

I am grateful learning I posses the power to heal from the past and have no regrets, if I only reach out to my Higher Power and ask for help

I am grateful for the relationships that are being restored with extended family members thank to my Higher Power

I am grateful for those who have shown me that Love is an action word.

I wish everyone a very happy and blessed Holiday Season.

Lessons

2006-12-22T11:30:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up with weight on my shoulders. As I did my inventory upon retiring last night, I had to admit to myself that I was approaching a line I could afford to, nor wanted to cross. Okay, what am I going to do about it? Decided on a plan, said a prayer about it and off to bed I went. This morning it was time to follow through with the plan. My ego was screaming crazy thoughts like, "who will know," "you are doing just fine," and many others along those lines. All I had to do was think those thoughts through to the end, despite the fact that my bestest friend told me this week that I'm to sick to think on my own and she would let me know when I could think. Each senario my ego suggested ended with a drink.

So I start on my plan. First on my agenda is my husband. He really does not understand my addicition but he is learning just as I am. All goes well, he asks a few questions, agrees with my plan and heads off to work.

Following that I speak with my bestest friend. The conversation is intense and I'm nervous, but above all I am determined to be rigorously honest. I admit what is going on and she gives me her opinion and agrees with the plan. Following that she points me to the Big Book. I have read the page she suggest probably a million times but today is different, I read a page that becomes a gift.....

Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and we will have learned our lesson.....
P. 70 BB Alcoholics Anonymous

I was overwhelmed with emotion. So I have fallen short. But my motive was good, I have just taken some bad advice and have gone slightly off the path. This reading tells me that if my motives are good, if I'm sorry, and I have a desire to give this to my Higher Power, and if I believe in forgiveness, then the lesson is learned.

I feel as though the weight has been lifted. We discussed the lessons we learn in our recovery and the fact that often times we learn best when the lesson comes from a shortcoming. My friends then says, "Some lessons come and go as gently as a breeze, and others are like an elephant poop." This one was definitly an elephant poop, but the lesson is learned, I am taking the actions necessary to correct things, and I believe in a very forgiving and understanding Higher Power. Today is turning into one of the best days I have had on this journey, this trudge on a road toward Happy Destiny.

Choosing Happiness

2006-12-22T00:05:00.000-08:00

Taken from the book: A Moment to Reflect:Letting Go by Veronica Ray

Ironically, the more we try to control others, the more we are controlled. Our emotions become reactions to others rather than reflecting true choice. Happiness, to us, becomes no more than fleeting moments of relief tied to the moods and behaviors of other.

Happiness is a choice. We can chose to let go of attempts to control people, relationships, and situations, and thereby free ourselvesfrom their control. We can choose to live our own lives and work on own growth.

Happiness isn't having everyone and everything go our way. It grows out of a quiet choice to accept the things we can't control and to concentrate on changing what we can - ourselves.

This was an important lesson to learn and has saved ne from many heartaches, even though I still do it more than I like. When I go through my day seeing every obstacle as a challenge, a lesson to be learned I have a great day. When I take care of the things that I am responsible for taken care of, essentially the next right thing I have a great day. When I let go of the things that are beyond my control and remember that I can make plans, but I cannot plan outcomes I have a great day. I am grateful that I have more great days these days than I do those ones when I'm fighting myself because I am not doing the above mentioned things. Today I have something I did not have prior to getting sober. That is a choice. Life is all about the choices I make and if I do make the wrong choice, which I still do all too often, than I can choose to start over and make better, different choices. That is a tremendous gift from my Higher Power. I am blessed.